If I Did It, Rhode Island-style

The URI Ram gets rough treatment at the Dunk
By PHILLIPE & JORGE  |  December 7, 2006

Phillipe & Jorge wonder if Bob Driscoll, Providence College’s athletic director, isn’t angling for big paychecks from Fox network mogul Rupert “The Dirty Digger” Murdoch and book publisher Judith Regan of HarperCollins, the promoters of O.J. Simpson’s recently aborted TV and book project. At least his timing is perfect.

P&J refer, of course, to the December 2 men’s room mugging of the URI Ram mascot during halftime of the PC-URI basketball game at the Dunkin’ Donuts Center. Tensions always run high between the rival teams and their fans. Decades ago, a brawl turned the home-and-home annual contests into a one-game affair, in which the venue alternates between home courts each year. This year was PC’s home game, and the Dunk, according to all reports, was a little more tightly wound and nasty than usual.

So it was that the Ram, who went to the loo at halftime to splash the hooves, got manhandled (ramhandled?), ending up with bruised ribs and ego, as well as a torn costume. The assailants were assumed to be PC students (no shit, Sherlock). So when the incident — one of several activities that led URI President Robert Carothers to express his concern — was reported in the Urinal, Driscoll “said he was ‘sorry’ about the mistreatment of the mascot ‘if it happened.’ ” If that is indeed your name, Colonel Batguano, to pull a famous line from Dr. Strangelove.

This all reminds P&J of the probably apocryphal story of the suspect in court, who when accosted on the stand by the person he robbed, blurts out, “I should have shot you when I had the chance. [Pregnant pause.] If I had been there.”

What a cowinkydink
Tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-tick-a-timing, as the old song goes.

Does anyone believe that then-Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, two days before he was shown the door at the Pentagon, fired off a memo to Dubya Bush, completely reversing the position he held since the start of the war? Pul-eeze. 

If he was on the way out, the septuagenarian war enthusiast was likely to obtain advance inside scoop from the White House, thanks to an inside network of allies. Knowing he was going to be asked to turn in his cards, the man in the Robert McNamara tribute glasses made sure it looked as though he had finally seen the light. In a reflection of his wisdom and caring about our troops, he suggested that we reevaluate our strategy in Iraq. There’s a man with an eye on his legacy in the history books. We can hear it now and for years to come: “If Bush had only listened to me.” This shouldn’t pass the laugh test, but the national media swallowed it whole. 

Sleep tight, America.

Jorge agonistes
The election is over, Sheldon Whitehouse will be our new US senator, and though P&J refused to endorse either Linc or Sheldon, we are fully satisfied with the results. Senator-elect Whitehouse’s message, emphasizing changing the majority in the US Senate, was not just politically shrewd, but thoroughly sound.

Still, it was with heavy hearts that we went to the polls on November 7. We could not, in good conscience, urge voters to replace a man whose courage and convictions are of the highest order. Jorge acknowledges that he voted for Sheldon, for the very reason that Sheldon asked for our vote. The balance of power needed shifting, and as much as we admire Linc Chafee, the stench of Bush was simply too much. This put a number of great public servants (many of whom are good friends) out of work.

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