Jesus’s grave or Al Capone’s long-lost vault? A Discovery Channel documentary produced by James Cameron suggests that the final resting place of the holiest of holy men is actually here on earth, not in the giant VIP lounge in the sky. Wow, Christians. Bummer! The film, titled The Lost Tomb of Jesus and set to air on March 4, claims that several small caskets, discovered in Jerusalem in 1980, contain the remains of Jesus, Mary Magdelene, and “Judah, Son of Jesus,” which could prove that J.C. and that whore were totally doing it, for reals!Believers are huffy, of course, because the existence of a tomb packed with Jesus and fam would nullify the resurrection (a fundamental dogma of Christianity) and therefore Easter, which means that the chocolate-bunny industry could be shit out of luck. If the Messiah is actually in there, it would also suggest that Jesus was less of a supernatural superpower and more of a normal dude — and who wants to think about Jesus sitting around the house, swigging a lite beer and scratching his balls? Certainly not the National Clergy Council, whose president, the Reverend Rob Schenck, issued a statement saying that “a Hollywood director is the least qualified to render any determination of Biblical truth.” Whatever, Schenck. James Cameron’s films are totally historically accurate and knowledgeable about Jesus. Didn’t you see Titanic?
The bush-burning question is this: will those who tune in to The Lost Tomb of Jesus get to see archaeologists crack that sucker open? If so, perhaps James Cameron would be wise to consult his old friend hubris (or, at least Geraldo Rivera, whose 1986 live TV special The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault promised to disclose the darkest secrets of the most notorious gangster in the world, but instead revealed an empty room and Rivera’s ineptitude). Of course, we’re secretly hoping that this tomb actually houses Al Capone’s secret stash, because the stench of posthumous irony is doubly sweet when the man who made a film subtitled Judgment Day tries to dig up the grave of Jesus only to discover the remains of a sinner.
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This Just In
, Geraldo Rivera, Al Capone, James Cameron
