There has been so much controversy about Peter D. Hart Research Associates’ recent poll on the proposed West Warwick casino proposal — a world-class hummer rigged by Harrah’s — that Phillipe & Jorge thought we should shed some light on the matter. As alert readers will know, the poll supposedly showed a majority of Vo Dilunduhs favoring an up-or-down vote on this local version of Little Big Horn, if not the complete alteration of our Constitution. This would provide wampum froth for our own Narragansett Indians, whilst John Q. Non-Aboriginal pays for it. Peter D. Hart refused, however, to release the questions asked in the poll.
To further edify our loyal readers, here is a sampling of the questions used to take the pulse of Ocean State voters, and which produced such encouraging results for our Nevada-based carpetbaggers:
Q: Would you like to win $1 million on a blind, shithouse-luck pull of a one-armed bandit in West Warwick, or continue to commute to work along I-195 for the rest of your life?
Q: Would you like to see the noble members of the Narragansett Indian tribe at full employment, or have them come into your house at night, out of their minds on firewater, and get very angry with you?
Q: Would you like to instantly qualify for federal and state financial support by betting your life’s savings at a blackjack table, or continue going to work clearing tables at Burger King?
Bonus Question: Spell “Harrah” backwards.
Yes, it goes without saying that most residents of the Biggest Little know on which side their poker chips are buttered, and the sooner we build the world’s largest cesspool, the quicker we can enjoy those folks with more tattoos than IQs visiting us on the shores of the mighty Pawtuxet and enjoying the finer side of Little Rhody, including transvestite hookers and grain alcohol, both purveyed in parking lots outside an “authentic” Native American Museum.
What you mean “we,” white man?
Sleep tight, Tonto, big specials at Newport Grand and Lincoln Park tomorrow night.
A tip of the beret and sombrero to South County bureau chief Dave McCarthy of the Urinal for his wonderful February 3 portrait of Jon Campbell, P&J’s extremely talented buddy. Beyond frightening receptionists by looking like a biker from Hell — albeit a very thin one — Jon is an accomplished musician, songwriter, stunt car driver, and pyrotechnic artiste (which means he blows things up good, boys and girls). He has added sculpting to his repertoire, carving antlers and animal bone into pieces of art, drawing upon the inspiration of Mohawk Indian artist Stan Hill Sr.
Living relatively beneath the radar, Jon collaborated with Joe Houlihan, king of the Block Island ferry, to many moons ago produce the essential Vo Dilun summer anthem, “Winnebacome, Winnebago,” featuring the classic line, “Watch a mobster, eat a lobster . . . ”
They’ve got sand in their eyes and a burn on their thighs
And the last tuna grinder is covered with flies,
There’s a squid in the sink, the TV’s on the blink
They’ve a bucket of crabs that’s beginning to stink.
Citronella, beach umbrella, are you feeling sad?
Well, it’s Winnebacome, Winnebago