Go all the way

Politics and other mistakes
By AL DIAMON  |  September 5, 2007

I know you’re nervous. It’s your first time. If it makes you feel any better, I’m nervous, too.

You see, I’m a virgin. From a long line of virgins.

Oh, I’ve played around a little. Fondled. Petted. Gotten to second base. I’ve come close on several occasions, but I’ve never actually done it. At the last minute, something always made me stop. It’s like I’m afraid to make that leap.

This time, though, it just feels right. I know that, together, we can put our fears aside, and go through with it.

We’re going to cut state spending.

Excuse me? What did you think I was talking about?

Well, if that’s the way you feel, put your clothes back on and get out of here.

When it comes to dealing with the state’s budget problems, I’m tired of all the coyness, the teasing, the I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you’ll-show-me-yours negotiating. Let’s get to the naked truth.

Maine politicians don’t have the organs needed to complete the act.

Brains. I was referring to brains. Jeez, what a smutty mind.

Also, they lack the courage to make bold moves. Which could be related to the lack of different organs.

I mean nerves. Get your thoughts out of the gutter, porno pants.

This lack of virility (my thesaurus says that’s a perfectly good synonym for nerves) is nowhere more apparent than in the person of Governor John (“Smilin’ John”) Baldacci, who — in an effort to earn some respect from his neighbors — has resorted to questionable remedies, such as unnatural fiscal enhancement. By swallowing this pill, Baldacci is hoping to perk up his limp approval ratings, while avoiding criticism that he’s failed to perform.

For example, there’s the governor’s proposal to have the state take over the county jails. According to Baldacci, that would reduce property taxes next year by more than $100 million. And raise other taxes by ... hmmm ... almost $100 million. The governor claims it would be a useful ... um ... tool in the quest for tax reform, while his critics refer to this strategy as ... er ... shift and shaft. There certainly are some interesting metaphors being thrown around.

If Baldacci were actually ready to consummate — according to the dictionary, it means to complete something — a real round of reform, he’d have gone further. And he’d have saved some serious money.

Like a teenager groping around in the back seat of a car, the governor suddenly found his hands on something that made him all hot and bothered: consolidation. After all, it got him a lot of action when he tried it on schools. And doing it with county jails might be even more pleasurable.

Combining the jails with the state prisons could save some serious bucks — Baldacci estimates $10 million the first year. But that seems optimistic, because accomplishing that coupling will likely prove trickier than figuring out how to release one of those old-fashioned bra clasps. It might take years to close aging facilities, streamline administration and placate county officials, thereby delaying significant tax benefits until long after Baldacci has departed from the Blaine House. The governor’s claim of immediate savings appears to be a case of premature ejaculation.

Yeah, well, it also means an abrupt utterance. So, there.
I suppose, even though this is a political column, that mentioning the word “congress” would give you the wrong idea.

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  Topics: Talking Politics , U.S. Government, U.S. State Government, Politics,  More more >
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