We produced our ID and stood in the lurch
(I could see she was fearing a cavity search)
And I knew that the efforts to maintain Plover Purity
Had landed us in the hands of Seagull Security
I’ll admit we weren’t handcuffed or cracked on our melons
A check on the computer showed we neither were felons
We both had to stand there partially dressed
While the tickets were written and the whole fine assessed
It passeth all understanding why he was so overzealous
Perhaps my bikini-clad blonde made him torturously jealous
As we were escorted from the beach this thought was emergent
Towel-wearing must equal Iraqi insurgent
The upshot of this was a $125 ticket for Jon and his sweetie, a pretty heavy fee for disturbing the local fowl population. While recognizing the little plovers are indeed worth protecting — although Campbell says they taste like chicken — he notes how the signs at the water’s low tide line, indicating that the spot is a closed, federally protected area, should be readable from the beach side, rather than that of the water.
At any rate, Jon finishes by saying, “I'll admit that this lyric is no ‘Alice’s Restaurant,’ but the circumstances felt a lot the same. I do assume that for my $125 I have all rights and privileges to include this as a track on my next CD.”
We’ll be waiting for it.
The return of the Bud-i
P+J are all atwitter about former Providence Mayor Buddy “Vincent A.” Cianci’s return to the radio airwaves today (the 20th).
The Bud-I, fresh from spending four-plus years at the government’s pleasure, is the new celebrity host on WPRO (630 AM) from 10 am to 2 pm. He will team with another other old pal, Ron St. Pierre, who will serve as Ed McMahon to Cianci’s Johnny Carson. (Tonto and the Lone Ranger perhaps? Watson and Holmes? Jeeves and Wooster? Richard Simmons and any young male dancer? OK, we’ll stop there. Sorry, guys.)
We are most amused by all the corollary effects of this reemergence. For starters, our deepest sympathies go out to WHJJ’s Helen Glover, who will be the sole local talent on that station’s talk lineup, and who faces a tsunami in the form of a WPRO lineup that features John “The Journalist” DePetro, Senor Cianci, and Dan Yorke.
As everyone knows, the best chat shows — as with politics — are local, and Glover has a tough act in going up against DePetro and being followed by right-wing blatherers, including the odious Glenn Beck, Rush “OxyContin” Limbaugh, and the unlistenable pompous ass Sean Hannity.
P&J may not think along the barking mad, reactionary lines of DePetro and Yorke, but they are hometown hits, while the Bud-I has a high ceiling in his potential drawing power. (We would love to videotape the fleeting daily encounters between the Bud-I and the Journalist, when Cianci enters the sound booth to plug his upcoming show at the end of DePetro’s session. We can only imagine such love in the air.)
The other extremely amusing part of the Bud-I’s return will be the fuming indignation of the local media’s soi-disant guardians of the public conscience, particularly M. Chuckie Bakst and Eddie Achorn of the Urinal.
We can expect huffing broadsides describing how they are ap¬palled that a felon should be welcomed back on local radio, and how it drags the Biggest Little down in the dirt. They will de¬mand that the citizens of Vo Dilun not give him their affection and this needless exposure. Meanwhile, there will be chuckles galore at Casa Diablo, as Chuckie and Eddie unwittingly help promote Hizzoner with their moralistic bombast and even more of the publicity that they urge others not to afford. Tee-hee! Thanks, boys — just spell his name right.