On the national affront

An inescapable year reaches its inevitable conclusion
By BARRY CRIMMINS  |  December 19, 2007

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Could 2007 somehow have been avoided? Where does one begin to recap 12 months of such willful self-parody? Isn’t it insulting to explain why, say, waterboarding is wrong, especially when one of the few people who needs this clarified is the new attorney general of the United States?

Corporate and political hoodlums spent the year doing three things: planning crimes, committing crimes, and covering up crimes. If this is news to you, no summary will bring you up to speed. So here are just some highlights of 2007, because it would be cruel and indecent to make you remember it all.

Unreal estate
This past year excised at least one bromide from motivational speakers’ rusty-saw collection — that is, unless they shift gears on the fly and start telling us that whatever doesn’t kill us only serves to make us weaker. Clearly, if you’re reading this, you — like a few million other schmos just trying to keep body and soul in proximity — survived, despite being sandwiched between poverty and the evermore obscenely wealthy cadre of oligarchs who create it.

Americans still dream in dollar signs, but the super rich lack the conscience to dream at all. So the rest of us ended up scrambling after a monetary unit that is no longer the envy of even Canadians. A land of people who once had good jobs with good benefits has now become a place where corporate behemoths slowly squeeze us for everything that was ours — including our very homes.

Mortgages too good to be true, peddled by swindlers too bad to be truthful, led to domiciles being repossessed like there was no tomorrow — for the people living in them, anyway. How were you to know that, when you mortgaged your soul to a predatory lender, it would end up being owned by Bob Jones University?

If the credit hustlers didn’t dispossess us, we still had to worry about having a health-care racketeer tell us that our home, when liquidated, should be enough to cover the co-pay for our first course of meds. The most important American film of 2007 was Michael Moore’s Sicko, a work so entertainingly stark that it left us blankly grinning at the boundless inhumanity of corporate avarice.

We still had manners
As ’07 began, America was preoccupied with teaching Iraqis how to behave in a civilized manner . . . while imposing death sentences on their former leaders. This past year ended with Saddam Hussein becoming the final holiday ornament hung by the White House. Cell-phone video of Hussein’s indelicate departure caused some grumbling in international circles. He may have been a mass murderer, but he was, after all, a head of state. So the State Department began tutoring prime minister Nouri al-Maliki’s government in lynch-mob decorum — no mobile communications devices please, and anyone above the rank of vice-president must be hung with a red-velvet VIP rope.

A couple of Saddam’s henchmen, including his half brother and former head of the secret police Barzan Ibrahim Hasan al-Tikriti, and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, the former chief justice of the Revolutionary Court, were scheduled to meet the hangman in early January. In a case of unfortunate fashion-police statism, the two prisoners were made to wear jumpsuits before being noosed and dropped from such height that Saddam’s half brother was decapitated. Later the mishap was explained away as a translation problem — when Saddam’s sibling’s time came, his executioners thought their instructions were to "halve brother."

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  •   ON THE NATIONAL AFFRONT  |  December 19, 2007
    Where does one begin to recap 12 months of such willful self-parody?
  •   THE DEVIL AND DICK CHENEY  |  July 03, 2007
    Dick: e ver since you shoved your fall guy, Scooter, off the political cliff, I simply cannot get in touch with you.

 See all articles by: BARRY CRIMMINS