Evil urges

Politics and other mistakes.
By AL DIAMON  |  June 18, 2008

Let’s talk about extremists.

Not the kind in Iraq, fashionably clad in explosive-laden undies and seriously distracted by visions of the 40 virgins awaiting martyrs in heaven.

Not the kind that shows up for his mug shot decorated in bling and tats and seriously distracted by visions of the 40 non-virgins he saw in a strip club. In the arrest report, his occupation is listed as “professional football player.”

Not enjoyable weirdos like Penn & Teller, Ann Coulter, or Bill Maher. Only a free-speech virgin would be seriously distracted by them.

By extremists, I mean people who, against all common sense, voted for Dean Scontras in the Republican 1st District congressional primary or people who voted for Chellie Pingree, Mike Brennan, Ethan Strimling, or Mark Lawrence in the Democratic race. Right-wing wackos and loony leftists, respectively. Marginalized maniacs, collectively. And when it comes to practical politics, virgins 40 times over.

What were these candidates’ solutions for the major problems facing Maine?

Scontras wanted to make health care and heating oil affordable by banning abortion and outlawing same-sex marriage. Pingree, Brennan, Strimling, and Lawrence wanted to provide cheap medical care and inexpensive fuel by impeaching George W. Bush.

I feel healthier and warmer, already.

How about the declining job market, the housing crisis, and the rising cost of food? Scontras claimed illegal aliens were sucking up all the jobs, squatting in all the condos and scarfing up all the chow. Pingree, Brennan, Strimling, and Lawrence said it was all Bush’s fault, and he should be impeached.

I feel ... puzzled. But that might help me forget how unemployed, homeless, and hungry I am.

The war in Iraq? Scontras thought it was a mess, but if we stayed the course, it would soon turn into a more attractive mess. Pingree had two plans for ending the conflict — leave immediately, or stay awhile and then leave. Although, she said they were really the same plan. Strimling and Brennan wanted to get out right away. Ask Iran if it could help with any chores we didn’t have time to finish. Lawrence wanted to impeach Bush.

I feel like I’m having an acid flashback to the ’60s.

To be fair (ha!), all the candidates had detailed positions on this stuff. Big programs for the Democrats, except for immigration, which they don’t consider enough of a problem to merit more than a tiny federal bureaucracy. For Scontras, it was all small programs or no programs, except for immigration, which he believes — gays and abortionists notwithstanding — is the cause of most of our woes and requires a huge governmental effort.

But who cares? These radicals are done for this political season. Scontras lost the GOP race to moderate Charlie Summers. Brennan, Strimling, and Lawrence lost the Dem contest to ... uh oh, Pingree. So in the fall, it’ll be far-left Chellie against center-right Charlie.

Summers, who starts as the underdog, should consider reviving his primary-campaign strategy of leaving the country to serve in Iraq. Pingree, in spite of her edge in the polls, has to ease away from the ridiculous positions she took this spring to attract liberal votes. Maybe she could enlist in the military and ship out to Baghdad. Just the threat might end the war.

1  |  2  |   next >
  Topics: Talking Politics , U.S. Government, U.S. State Government, Elections and Voting,  More more >
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   A LITTLE NIP  |  July 23, 2014
    You might not realize it, but while it’s legal to carry a gun in Maine (either openly or, with a permit, concealed), putting a flask containing an alcoholic beverage in your hip pocket is against the law.
  •   THIS IS AN OUTRAGE  |  July 16, 2014
    Politics and other mistakes
  •   BETWEEN THE DYING AND THE DEAD  |  July 11, 2014
    Being politically deceased, you’d think Steve Woods would give us a break by putting on a dark suit, lying down in a coffin, and closing his eyes.
  •   ALL THE WRONG CHOICES  |  July 07, 2014
    Reform is in the air. Olympia Snowe and the Portland Press Herald are calling for changes in the way we elect our leaders in order to restore public confidence, end gridlock, and reverse global warming. There’s a much better chance they’ll accomplish that last one than either of the other two.  
  •   INSIDE GAME  |  June 25, 2014
    The university system’s decision to add Demeritt to its roster at a salary of $125,000 a year generated criticism because it was done by ignoring normal hiring procedures and came at a time when the system is facing budget shortfalls, program cuts, and layoffs. Demeritt is going to have to hit a lot of three-pointers to make up for all that negative reaction.

 See all articles by: AL DIAMON