First round’s on us, Scottso.

Missives from Planet Mccain
Considering the ongoing evisceration of veteran staffers at the Other Paper, the precious few top-notch, A-1 reporters still in house should be cherished. One of the finest of the old-guard is Thomas J. Morgan, who has always had a mysterious instinct and ear for picking up on the quirky and absurd.

It was undoubtedly in that spirit that Morgan quoted copiously from our pal, Representative “Rabid” Robert Watson, (R-East Greenwich), chairman of Vo Dilun’s McCain for President. On Monday evening there was a Republican fundraiser at the Beechwood Mansion in Newport that was closed to the media, but Morgan was able to buttonhole Rabid Robert after the event and ask him a few questions.

Watson described Senator McCain’s 96-year-old mother Roberta as “wild.” While, at Casa Diablo, this inspires visions of Lucille Ball on acid circa 1955, we suspect that Bob had more in mind that she was personable and totally there.

Obviously intrigued by the concept of a “wild” 96-year-old Republican woman, Morgan pressed on with his interview, in which Watson now described Mitt Romney as “very funny,” adding, “He does have a way with humor.” One can imagine the zany routine of Shecky Romney in front of all those other wizened, white, and wealthy Republicans. Folks known for their avant-garde senses of humor — like Don Carcieri!

And let’s not forget Senator McCain’s national campaign chairman and former secretary of commerce in the Poppy Bush administration, Robert Mosbacher. Shecky Romney probably could have killed for 15 minutes just spritzing on the number and nature of facelifts performed on Mosbacher’s ex-wife, Georgette (who, much to the regret of countless comedians, divorced Bobby Boy in 1998).

But, thanks to Watson’s unerring eye for great entertainment, we can look forward to the upcoming GOP convention in Minneapolis. Even if the Latter Day Saints’ top tummler, Shecky Romney, is not elevated to share the ticket with McCain, he is scheduled to perform a set at the convention, and we’ll bet he kills again. Just like Lucille Ball on acid.

Misappropriate that tune!
Holy Ronald Reagan, Batman! Yet again, there’s a major gaffe by American yahoos failing to have a clue about the lyrics in Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In the U.S.A.”

Whereas Ronnie Rayguns used to play the song to ostensibly whip up patriotic frenzy, ignoring the fact the song was about the ravages of the Vietnam War on our troops over there and upon their return home, here it was again blaring out of speakers in Beijing to celebrate the US men’s basketball team winning the gold medal. What a wonderful selection, given that it is about the horrible injuries inflicted by the doomed battle against the Chinese-backed Viet Cong, in a brutal jungle war that killed tens of thousands of American troops and left many of the survivors physically and emotionally scarred. Take a listen:

I got in a little hometown jam
And so they put a rifle in my hands
Sent me off to Vietnam
To go and kill the yellow man . . .

I had a buddy at Khe Sahn
Fighting off the Viet Cong
They’re still there, he’s all gone
He had a little girl in Saigon
I got a picture of him in her arms

That’s something the team can’t redeem. 

Send performing chimpanzees and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&

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