Because There Was an Election
The problem with dropping our Unsexiest list in March of an election year is that we never know what kind of weasels, Republicans, and Republican weasels will urinate in America’s stream of consciousness down the final stretch. Sure, we had the foresight to include that cadaver who ran against Obama, but we underestimated the extent to which parasites like Jay Severin would claw at our nerves. (Though we clearly aren’t as roused as he is for being left off David S. Bernstein’s Halloween roundup of “America’s 25 Scariest Conservatives.”) And, oddly, the freshest unsexy face of them all belongs to a woman who’s actually quite sexy — albeit in a slutty gubernatorial sense — but naturally we found avenues around that. So, as a year-end corrective to our unsexy premature e-publication — and to whet your whistle for next March’s list — we offer the following: five scoundrels who we’re proud to have zeroed in on back in March; another five from whom we now officially rescind the unsexy label; and five who surely would have made the list if only they had opened their big ugly mouths sooner.
Top 5 Unsexiest Who Proved Us Right
Million-Dollar Water Boy
On top of losing Super Bowl XLII and caring more about hot anorexic tail than quarterbacking, this dude goes and gets injured. We’re from Boston. And since we’re fair-weather fans, Tom Brady is a butt-ugly sucker until he gets better.
If the dance was outlawed — or maybe even if white people learned how to do it properly by now — we would have gladly excluded this adolescent assbag from our update. But it looks like the “Soulja Boy” is en route to becoming an eternal wedding-DJ fixture for the unfortunately uncoordinated, in which case there will never again be an unsexy list without him.
Still, then, now, and always the unsexiest man alive. (Though he does, admittedly, have excellent hair.)
It’s one thing to be a shameless boy band’s limp-dick puppy dog, but he lost even more points for man-fisting his little brother’s nipple on the cover of Rolling Stone.
Nothing funny about this one — just a heroic career in public service (minus that whole Keating thing, natch) gone the way of a certain Roxbury state senator’s political aspirations.
Click through to see who made us eat crow.