Schmucks unlimited

By BARRY CRIMMINS  |  April 5, 2006

Further, I am appointing my friend A. Whitney Brown to head up a one-man search committee for vice-unitary executive — arguably the more powerful position. Inside word has it that Brown may well finally find himself in this endeavor.

The presidency was just too damned limited in the past. Now that it’s no longer encumbered by all that constitutional rigmarole, it holds an allure I cannot fully resist. George W. Bush has redefined the task. Now that it’s become the job of a unitary, no-count, unaccountable idiot, I feel almost overqualified. But my nation comes first, and I certainly won’t be the first underemployed person in the land.

The important difference between me and Bush is that, as the head of Schmucks Unlimited (Copyright 2006 Dick Cheney), my unbridled power will be employed for the common good and not the private interest. When I tell you I can be trusted, it will be the truth, unless of course you are a weapons manufacturer, pension thief, corrupt mining concern, neo-con kool-aid chugger, Christian who would make Jesus puke, stock-market hustler, Iraq optimist, carpetbagger bottom-feeding anywhere near the Gulf Coast and New Orleans, bigot, prison-industrial-complex profiteer, global-warming accelerator, health-care pimp, church-state integrationist, Big Oil Whore, member of the DLC, downsizer, Bill O’Reilly, science-baiter, terrorizer and/or murderer of innocents anywhere, or anyone involved with that horrific music on Suzuki commercials.

So about 92 percent of you have nothing to fear from a Crimmins unitary executiveship; the rest are advised to familiarize themselves with the lyrics to “Positively Fourth Street.”

One more thing: no more wiretaps. I won’t spy on anyone because the guilty are as obvious as a political satirist faking a run for office.

I’ll be making an announcement soon, but only on a need-to-know basis. I even have a campaign slogan: “Crimmins in ’08 — What are you gonna do about it?”

Political satirist Barry Crimmins will be appearing at Jimmy Tingle’s Off-Broadway Theater, in Somerville, Friday and Saturday, May 5 and 6. He may be making an important announcement. That’s all you need to know.

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