Hail Mary pass?

By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  January 20, 2010

So as a public service, P+J offer advice on how to maximize the impact of some of the more popular drugs, in hopes of landing a grant from Bloomberg or other concerned mayors.

1) COCAINE Snort in; do not blow air out of nose like a "farmer snot." Always use a clean mirror, but do not attempt to style hair with mousse while bending over it.

2) OXYCONTIN Make sure you are sitting down with your head aligned directly over a soft pillow to cushion the immediate fall. If you run out of the drug, order more through Rush Limbaugh.

3) MARIJUANA Inhale; do not blow right out, as Bill Clinton claims he did. Do not attempt to ignite a joint with a charcoal grill lighter.

4) HASHISH/OPIUM Again, inhale while lighting. Do not blow into the pipe in an attempt to make the chunk of hash or opium suspend over the bowl like the ping pong balls that float over those children's toys.

As always, your superior correspondents are always eager to help. (Are you listening, Little Chi Chi?) You are quite welcome.

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