31 signs that Scott Brown’s victory is changing the face of the commonwealth for the worse
By CHRIS FARAONE | January 25, 2010
Scott Brown’s Senatorial victory is merely the latest sign that red tides are creeping upon our once-progressive Commonwealth. Don’t believe us? Consider that Kenny Chesney sells out Gillette Stadium every summer, and, of course, that wealthy Republican presidential hopeful with the fantastic hair was recently our Governor.
From our ancestral history as the home of the original Tea Party movement to the recent incursion of Cracker Barrel and Sonic joints, Massachusetts now seems primed to embrace its inner redneck. Change, as the man says, is coming. Massachusettsians, you might be living in a Red state if . . .
1. Martha’s Vineyard is re-named Scott’s Vineyard.
2. Deval Patrick shows up to work on a snowmobile.
3. Fenway Park hosts first annual Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association Winter Classic.
4. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around Lynn.
5. Commonwealth declares Boston Tea Party Day an official holiday.
6. Jamaica Plain is bulldozed to make way for the biggest mall in North America.
7. Barney Frank goes missing, discovered back in the closet.
8. Louis Boston changes its name to the much-less-French-sounding “Lewis Beantown.”
9. MBTA repaints Blue Line, renames it “The Redder Line”
10. New law: Combat-zone hookers no longer required to perform oral on Fridays if it’s against their religion.
11. Public Garden swan boats are replaced with wave runners.
12. The Freedom Trail, forced to “pay its own way,” is festooned with ads for Blackwater, AIG, and Smith N Wesson.
13. Revere declares war on People’s Republic of Cambridge.
14. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around New Bedford.
15. Doug Flutie Band sells more than four copies of its CD.
16. Museum of Science is re-chartered as the “Museum of Creationism.”
17. Boston Herald promotes Ayla Brown from “American Idol Analyst” to “Editor-in-Chief.”
18. Dropkick Murphys release an album of Celtic-flavored Lee Greenwood covers.
19. Michael Steele, newly-appointed head of Harvard’s Dubois Institute for African and African-American studies, is beaten by Cambridge police.
20. New York Times Co. sells Boston Globe to townhall.com for $35 and a can of Skoal.
21. UMass campuses are shuttered: No more socialized higher education.
22. Pastor Rick Warren is invited to preach at M.I.T. – or, as it’s better known, the Massachusetts Institute of Transubstantiation.
23. State legislature is dissolved, its duties re-assigned to New England Patriots alumni association.
24. Pine cone on the Golden Dome is replaced with a hand grenade.
25. Tom Menino and Mitt Romney caught trading sunless-tanning secrets.
26. Three words: Congressman Curt Schilling.
27. Steve Pagliuca finally admits he’s a Republican.
28. Anti-immigration groups successfully lobby to build a fence around Lawrence.
29. John Rocker retires to Provincetown.
30. Three more words: Jay Severin groupies.
31. Dane Cook is accused of stealing Jeff Foxworthy jokes.
Related:
Does Scott Brown’s victory mean doom for RI Democrats?, Brown-nosing and flip-flopping, Revenge of the Idiots, More 
- Does Scott Brown’s victory mean doom for RI Democrats?
Republican Scott Brown's stunning victory this week in the race for the late Ted Kennedy's Senate seat in Massachusetts has created something approaching panic in the ranks of Congressional Democrats.
- Brown-nosing and flip-flopping
Two months ago, when Senator Scott Brown crossed party lines to help pass a jobs bill, the Phoenix noted the political convenience of that supposed show of independence — since other Republican senators were also voting with Democrats, Brown’s vote was unnecessary.
- Revenge of the Idiots
To my fellow Massachusetts Democrats: please don’t blame Martha Coakley for this shocking defeat.
- Coakley for Senate
When Massachusetts voters go to the polls on Tuesday to elect a successor to the late Senator Edward Kennedy, they face a choice that is as clear as the difference between black and white.
- How Brown won
As the Massachusetts US Senate election unfolded yesterday, all that the pols and pundits wanted to talk about was how Martha Coakley managed to lose the race. And there is plenty there to dissect. But there is another part of the story, and that is how Scott Brown managed to win it.
- Brown, baby, Brown
Senator Scott Brown is getting a lot of praise from the left and abuse from the right for crossing party lines to help pass a jobs bill earlier this week.
- Friends in high places
Speakers rarely get as warm a welcome as President Barack Obama's senior advisor Valerie Jarrett received last Thursday at Harvard Kennedy School.
- Might as well jump
Last Thursday, Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island — the last of his legendary clan in Congress — announced that he will not run for re-election.
- The power of money
While a cadre of conservative Democrats continues to conspire with Washington's mendacious Republican minority to block national health-care reform, the nation's largest health-benefits company — amusingly called WellPoint — is going about its business of screwing policyholders and scoring record profits in the process.
- Improv Asylum presents Scott Brown: The Musical
Should US Senator Scott Brown ever find any downtime between crucial votes on the future of this nation and hand-modeling gigs, he may want to flex his melodrama muscles.
- The next Scott Brown?
Republican Scott Brown's victory last month in the race for the late Ted Kennedy's Senate seat has every two-bit GOP hopeful in the Northeast claiming the mantle of the pick-up truck populist.
- Less
Topics:
News Features
, Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, Jay Severin, More
, Deval Patrick, Massachusetts, Jay Severin, Barney Frank, World Politics, Curt Schilling, Doug Flutie, Kenny Chesney, Louis Boston, Immigration, Less
