THE SONG: Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
THE LYRIC: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
THE VERDICT: Okay, no guy is going to say no to that (as long as Gerri turns the lights off).
THE OTHER LYRIC: “Make it last forever. Friendship never ends”
THE VERDICT: Okay, girl power, we get it. Don’t really see how it has anything to do with us guys, but fine.
STILL MORE LYRIC: “If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give”
THE VERDICT: Alright, now it’s getting a little annoying. I’m fucking all four of your friends, like you told me to in the first line. What else do you want?
THE FINAL LYRIC: "Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.”
THE VERDICT: Slam your body down and zigazig ah, indeed. And yeah, we know, 1996 called and they want their jokes back.
THE SONG: Train “Drops of Jupiter”
THE LYRIC: “Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation /The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me”
THE VERDICT: First we’re traveling in space all fine and dandy, then he starts name-dropping fads from the year 2000 as if it’s a VH1 special and he’s Hal Sparks. Soy Lattes? Tae Bo? Yes, Venus did blow our minds.
THE SONG: America, "A Horse With No Name"
THE LYRIC:"There were plants and birds and rocks and things"
THE VERDICT: What, did he get tired? Rocks and things? Try a fuckin’ cactus. Dirt? Bugs?
THE SONG: Limp Bizkit, "Break Stuff"
THE LYRIC: "It's just one of those days/When you don't wanna wake up/Everything is fucked / Everybody sucks/You don't really know why/But you wanna justify/Rippin' someone's head off"
THE VERDICT: Music is supposed to move people. This song just happened to move people to assault women and set fires at Woodstock ’99.
THE SONG: Puddle of Mudd, "Control"
THE LYRIC: "I love the way you look at me/I love the way you smack my ass/I love the dirty things you do/I have control of you"
THE VERDICT: Oh, Wesley Reid Scantlin, y ou charmer you.
THE SONG: Relient K, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" THE LYRIC: "I watched the proverbial sunrise/coming up over the Pacific/and you might think I'm losing my mind/but I will shy away from specifics"
A STRONG RUNNER-UP: Our readers did not think it was fly when the girls stopped by in the summer
THE VERDICT: Not just the "duh" rhyme of "Pacific" and "specifics," but more importantly, why the proverbial sunrise? How is a sunrise proverbial?
THE SONG: Peter Cetera, "Glory of Love"
THE LYRIC:"Just like a knight in shining armor/from a long time ago"
THE VERDICT: It's fun to picture him getting the "knight in shining armor" part and then struggling with how to follow it up. "From Medieval times”? “From the 12th century?” “Fuck it: 'From a long time ago.' Yes! Cetera, you've done it again!"