First for everything
WELL, DUH: Antonio Bryant’s DUI arrest, predicted by Nostradamus in 1562, finally occurred this week.
This sports-crime-column thing . . . most every week it’s some variation of the same old thing: dorm rape, huge bags of weed unearthed in the back of some lineman’s Escalade, an Indiana Pacer flashing a gun in a strip club parking lot at 3:30 am. Ex-quarterbacks gone mad on inhalants, setting their fourth wives’ houses on fire after they get child-support notices. Puppy drownings. You know, the usual stuff. After a while, nothing shocks you. Everything’s been done; what crimes could possibly be left to commit?
Well, try this: two basketball players from Quinnipiac College allegedly marched a girl into a bathroom last week and . . . peed on her. Yes, that’s right: according to press reports, freshmen hoopsters Trevon Charles and Lames Fedleine led a freshman female student into a men’s bathroom stall, where one of the players held the door closed while the other peed on her. The party ended when the girl screamed and another student came to her aid.
“We are investigating an incident similar to that description involving members of the Quinnipiac men’s basketball team,” Hamden, Connecticut Police Lt. Timothy Wydra told local reporters, confirming the rumors that arose after both players missed a game.
Myriad questions arise from this story. First, what the hell? One can imagine almost any scenario being played out, no matter how dastardly. But how does this conspiracy even happen? According to news reports, the pee-er (pee-ist? pissailant? what’s the proper word here?) was Charles; Fedleine held the door. So how did the planning go?
Charles to Fedleine: “You hold the door — I’ll piss on her!”
Fedleine to Charles: “Yeah, dude — sweet.”
We’re not talking about a spontaneous incident here. Two guys lead a girl into the bathroom to assault her; it has to be premeditated. But the premeditation in this case is extremely difficult to imagine, even accounting for the expected deviancy factor when dealing with college athletes.
The thing is, urine-related crime is extremely common among scholarship athletes — it’s only urine-related conspiracies that are still very rare. Two years ago, Michigan football coach Lloyd Carr had to apologize publicly for the actions of Adam Stenavich, an offensive lineman for the Wolverines, who was arrested for urinating on a barroom floor. Michigan hockey coach Red Berenson was arrested for public urination. And the Stanford marching band was legendarily busted for urinating on the field in a 1986 game against the University of Washington. (That same group of musicians, you may recall, got in trouble for dressing the band leader in a nun costume and conducting with a crucifix instead of a baton.)
More to the point, a hockey player from Archbishop Williams High School was busted last year for urinating on a younger teammate at the Pilgrim Arena in Hingham. And, of course, there’s Gary Miller, erstwhile ESPN sportscaster, who was sued by a pair of Cleveland cops who claimed he urinated on them from a second-story window.
But never a urine plot. That’s new. Stay tuned to hear how this one turns out . . .