Play it plowed

By ROBERT BRICKEN  |  December 6, 2006

For true self-examination, keep playing and drinking until you have a drinking black-out. Waking up with a controller in your hands, the devil in your brain, and dozens of dead, digital prostitutes stacked like cordwood on your TV screens is the real time to discover how you feel about you. (PS2, Xbox)

Super Bomberman
One button: to lay bombs. One goal: to blow everyone up, using said bombs. Bomberman is quick, simple and a drunkard’s videogame masterpiece, in that it’s easy to play, and even easier to cackle madly when you blow up your friends. Accept the fact that you’re far too drunk not to blow yourself up as well, and you’ll have a much better time. (Super Nintendo)

Soul Calibur
Fighting videogames make up a massive part of the entertainment for any good geek get together, but don’t count it out for your social gathering. Fighting games are great because they let your guests compete. The down-side is that most games are either too hard or else one guy really knows how to play and will thrash your other guests into hating him — and you for starting the game in the first place. The Soul Calibur series does not have this problem. Somehow, gamemakers Namco have found the perfect fighting engine, where seasoned masters who know all the moves and blitzed 20-year-old girls mashing on the buttons have a level playing field. Plus, all the moves are so well animated that even random button-pressing make your character look like he’s a jiujutsu badass. (PS2, GameCube, Xbox)

The Sims
If you’re inebriated, let’s face facts — you’re far too blitzed to adequately play this life simulation. But you can watch, hands off, as your little Sim people soil themselves and set themselves on fire — and that’s at least as entertaining as anything you’ll find on TV at 2 am. (PC, PS2, Xbox)

Geometry Wars
If you’ve got an Xbox 360, you might be disappointed to know that one of the best games on it is a little online freebie called Geometry Wars, where — in true, old-school Asteroids fashion — you fly around in a tiny ship trying to blow the shit out of every single other thing that comes on screen, be they small alien ships, medium-sized alien ships, or oh-god-I’m-going-to-die-alone alien ships. Since every one of those alien ships explode in a digital, LSD fireworks display — and you’ll be destroying several hundred in any given minute — playing is like shooting acid right into your retina. Being drunk not only makes the pretty colors prettier, but it also helps you cope with how outrageously hard the game gets in later levels. (Xbox 360)

NFL Blitz
If you think you’re going to try and play Madden drunk, think again. With eight buttons to press constantly, you’re barely able to play that one sober. So find NFL Blitz, which has one pass button and one tackle button, whether you’re playing defense or offense. And after 10 pints at the pub, it’s the only sports game you stand a chance of winning. (PlayStation1)

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