Double Dragon II
If beating defenseless whores isn’t your thing, then you might want to let your boozy aggression out on some old-school bad guys. So take all that aggression you had at the bouncer who threw you out of the bar an hour ago, and use your righteous anger to help street-tough Billy and Jimmy Lee rescue Billy’s girlfriend, kidnapped by a gang of powerful but oddly directionless toughs. The game is simple enough that it won’t challenge your synapses — simply press B to beat everything that moves — but is varied enough that it will keep you conscious for at least another half an hour. Plus, the second DD beats the first because it has the bitchin’ flying spin kick. (NES)
For all those alcoholic retro gamers, we haven’t left you out — dust off those Atari 2600’s and find Megamania, a classic Space Invaders-style shooter that was clearly invented by a drunk person. In it, your very Enterprise-looking spaceship fights, in this order: hamburgers, cookies, bugs, radial tires, diamonds, steam irons, bow ties and space dice — all of which are far more aggressive than you’d suspect, and all of which move like someone is physically shaking your TV and tossing them about. Being lit means you have a magical chance of reaching the physical and spiritual Nirvana necessary to crush the game — but even too drunk to stand, Megamania is definitely old-school fun. (Atari 2600)
Robert Bricken has passed out with a controller in his hand.
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