The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 90-81

These guys couldn't turn on a radio
By  |  April 12, 2007

90-81

[90] JOHN KRUK
Roundballer

This ex-first baseman turned baseball analyst may have cut the mullet and lost a good deal of his playing weight (at his peak with the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies he looked like he had gone way past three bills). But that doesn't mean things have improved: the Baseball Tonight “expert” (whose on-air comments are anything but) has a Homer Simpson gut, and his hairstyle is now just a slicked-back mess, à la the Valdez.

unsexy_jkruk

[89] NEWT GINGRICH
Hypocrite moralist

Judging by his unyielding popularity with people whom his policies have decimated, Newt is quite the stud: Red-State America loves to get screwed by this guy. He’s also quite a charmer with the ladies, having served his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer so he could marry his girlfriend (yes, the girlfriend with whom he was having an adulterous affair while leading the moral charge against Bill Clinton for his marital infidelity). He then left that woman for his third wife. But if you want real unsexiness, look to Gingrich’s inner Danielle Steel. Consider this unsteamy image from Gingrich’s historical novel 1945, in which a character had “a pouting sex kitten athwart his chest.” That's hot?

[88] ERIC ESTRADA
Law-enforcement official

Was Ponch. Now Paunch.

[87] JOE SIMPSON
Christian music executive

A former Baptist minister who relentlessly pimps his daughters (Ashlee and what’s-her-name) to MTV and John Mayer, Joe makes viewers’ skin crawl by ogling (and, even grosser, commenting upon) his offspring’s, uh, endowments. Ewww.

[86] JOHN POPPER
Blues hippo/gun nut

The kind of lard-ass who, on a good day, probably smells like month-old lunchmeat. When not canoodling with New England Patriots cheerleaders, this sloppy, obese has-been blues traveler delights in speeding around Washington while armed with enough firepower to take out an Army Reserve barracks — which leaves us suspecting he lacks a little firepower himself.

[85] JOHN BASEDOW
Fitness atrocity

Gross man-boobs are usually confined to fat guys. But Basedow, the freakishly shaped workout guru familiar to late-night channel surfers through his “Fitness Made Simple” infomercials, is in a league of his own. It’s as if someone took Lou Ferigno’s pecks and stapled them to a Ken doll — a sight that never fails to send us groping for the remote in mid retch.

[84] DEVENDRA BANHART
Acoustic fabulist

Because sometimes, what a girl really wants is to wrap her legs around the face of a less-well-groomed Charles Manson. Errrr . . . not. Squeeze him and out comes a sound like Tiny Tim getting gang-raped by a syphilitic 1930s Kentucky jug band. Not even a team of New York Times Magazine stylists and a wardrobe ripped off the cover of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors could save this psych-folk moonie from striking out.

[83] BAN-KI MOON
Pusillanimous UN Secretary General

Did you catch BKM cowering behind the podium last month when his Iraq press conference was shelled? His Iraqi counterpart didn’t even bat an eyelash, but Mr. Boo-hoo Helmet was crawling around like he lost a contact lens.

[82] THE GEICO CAVEMEN
Homo erectus

Knuckle-dragging, politically correct Neanderthals who mysteriously appear in a psychiatrist’s office shilling for cheap insurance? Carbon-dating and wardrobe sampling suggest that they may actually be Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas from the original Miami Vice.

unsexy_caveman1

[81] NICK DENTON
Professional bloggist

Some bloggers have gotten big heads. Denton — the chipmunk-cheeked Brit behind the Gawker media boomlet — was born with one. And not just a big head: a really, really huge head. Which makes his oversize noggin an irresistible target for pie-throwers.

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