MITT ROMNEY
The three unsexiest words ever: Special. Mormon. Underpants.
 RICHIE “LA BAMBA” ROSENBERG
Late Night’s trumpet-playing blowhard
Richie, Richie, Richie. Our voting showed you moving steadily down the list until you shaved off your trademark moustache in solidarity with Britney Spears. At which point your face looked less like Britney’s shaved head and more like her shaved . . . you-know-what. Listen to your boss, Conan.
 ALAN COLMES
As Fox News’s in-house lefty, Colmes has all the intellectual authority of a Nazi collaborator. But he made the list because he looks like Rocky Dennis, Cher’s son in Mask.
 DR. NEIL CLARK WARREN
Kindly seeming, if creepy, founder/spokesman of eHarmony online dating service.
 MARK FOLEY
IM-ing Congressional pages about their private parts just isn’t as sexy as it used to be.
 THE DUKE LACROSSE TEAM
You go to Duke. You’re on the lacrosse team. And your social life is so barren that you’ve got to rent a couple of cut-rate strippers? You dudes are guilty . . . of having no game whatsoever.
 ALBERTO GONZALES
Fascist attorney general
While authoritarianism can be sexy — consult your local dominatrix if you have trouble following this one — Gonzales doesn’t come close to pulling it off. Could it be the stick the length of the earth’s axis up his arse? Or is it the stay-puff Devo hair? Not sure — the investigative team hired to get to the bottom of that one was mysteriously fired.
 PACMAN JONES
The NFL’s undersize Titan, recently suspended for the entire 2007 season, has an ugly Napoleon complex that has led him to treat women like wide receivers who wander into the crease. He’s also had at least nine brushes with the law, the most recent of which saw him physically abusing a stripper, which in turn led to a gunfight. One man was paralyzed from the waist down after being shot by a man in Pacman’s entourage.
 JEFF FOXWORTHY
He's all-American, all right: red neck, white trash, blue-collar, and the unfunny host of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?
 PETER “ZEBBLER” BERDOVSKY
Man in the Mooninite
Turn ons: cartoons, video art, shitty alternative rock, taking naked pictures of self rolling around in the forest. Turn offs: haircuts, bathing, cops who don’t have a sense of humor. All told, the kid who accidentally punk’d the entire city of Boston should’ve been an underground hero, shagging whole graduating classes of art-school babes. Unfortunately, the movie star he most resembles is Greedo. With bad dreadlocks.