These guys couldn't turn on a radio
 HOWIE MANDEL
Few things are less sexy than obsessive-compulsive disorder and fear of touching others, which spells bad news for the freaky host of Deal or No Deal. No deal, Howie. Definitely no deal.
 MARK ANTHONY
Nebbishy Latino pop star
Looks like someone stepped on his face in high heels. Coincidentally, currently serving time as the latest in a long line of Mr. J-Lo’s.
 DUSTIN “SCREECH” DIAMOND
Shockingly deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed fans by selling T-shirts to help him avoid foreclosure on his house — there were no such proceedings against him — and who starred in a repulsive sex tape, Saved by the Smell, which featured him doing the Dirty Sanchez.
 MR. BLACKWELL
Dithering bag of bones whose relevance is on life-support, but who nonetheless makes the news cycle every year with his embarrassing list of the best- and worst-dressed celebs.
 ROBERT NOVAK
Unattractive even for the liver-spotted set, this toad-like shill for the GOP jump-started the CIA-leak case by outing Valerie Plame as a Langley operative.
 O.J. SIMPSON
The juicy parts that leaked to the media were vile enough. But now that a judge has awarded the rights to If I Did It to his victims’ families, Orenthal James will finally get his wish: next week, his novel will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.
 PHIL SPECTOR
We still don’t know why Phil (allegedly) shot his girlfriend when he could’ve smothered her to death with his (alleged) ’fro. Whether he dunnit or he dinnit, there’s no disputing that Spector has long been the worst date in the music business. Ex-wife Ronnie Spector claims he beat her senseless in the ’60s; the Ramones claimed he held them hostage at gunpoint in the ’80s. Couldn’t anyone see where this was going?
 PETE DOHERTY
Heroin chic is predicated on being able to do lots and lots of drugs without looking like a scabby, skid-row pin cushion. Somehow Doherty — late of the Libertines and Babyshambles — didn’t quite get the memo. By association, he managed to make coke-snorting gal-pal Kate Moss unsexy, for which men the world over will curse him forever.
 BRUCE VILANCH
Gay comedy icon
He toured with Streisand, but looks like he’d be more at home on the road with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem: he’s like Animal with specs, if Animal was the size of a parade float.
 GERARD WAY
My Chemical Romance singer may be the only rocker who aspires to look more like Billy Corgan. His fashion sense evidently arrested shortly after the re-release of The Nightmare Before Christmas.
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