Worst in breed: Television

The 100 Unsexiest men of 2007
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  April 12, 2007

[99] AARON CARTER
Aging kidz bopper

This pizza-faced little bro of the Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter spent his airtime on their trainwreck reality show puking his guts out and trying to convince his trailer-trash buddies how ’hood he is.

[93] JIMMY KIMMEL
Blimp 182

We always appreciated Sarah Silverman’s debased, masochistic sense of humor, but secretly suspected it was all just an act — at least until we found out she was dating a certain chubb-o late-night TV host. After an evening of screwing Kimmel, telling Holocaust jokes must seem like a walk in the park.

[91] BOB SAGET
Tanner

There’s nothing sadder than a comedian who gets more laughs as a punchline than he does as a stand-up. But when Saget went Rambo and started telling gross-out jokes to play off the shame of having raised the Olsen twins, he crossed the line from pathetic bottom-feeder to slimy douchebag.

[88] ERIC ESTRADA
Law-enforcement official

Was Ponch. Now Paunch.

[85] JOHN BASEDOW
Fitness atrocity

Gross man-boobs are usually confined to fat guys. But Basedow, the freakishly shaped workout guru familiar to late-night channel surfers through his “Fitness Made Simple” infomercials, is in a league of his own. It’s as if someone took Lou Ferigno’s pecks and stapled them to a Ken doll — a sight that never fails to send us groping for the remote in mid retch.

[82] THE GEICO CAVEMEN
Homo erectus

Knuckle-dragging, politically correct Neanderthals who mysteriously appear in a psychiatrist’s office shilling for cheap insurance? Carbon-dating and wardrobe sampling suggest that they may actually be Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas from the original Miami Vice.

[71] DR. ROBERT REY
Cut man

From his sickeningly porcelain skin to his onanistic bedside manner, the star of Dr. 90210 exudes an oozing, corporeal revulsion that’s part Hannibal Lecter, part Bronson Pinchot. Not since PBS aired Infant Skull Surgery has television addressed the blood-and-blubbery of human flesh with such a literal, detached eye. But like his victims — sorry, patients — Rey’s too-fastidious exterior does little to mask an emptiness that’s more than just skin deep.

[67] MARIO BATALI
Celebrity chef

Ruddy-faced, red-bearded, porcine personality from the Food Network looks like The Simpsons’ Groundskeeper Willie after a decade-long hot-dog-eating contest.

[59] GENE SIMMONS
Reptilian entrepreneur

An unsexy icon for three decades, Simmons has long been the butt of jokes about how KISS were far scarier during the years when the makeup came off. Tongue-lapping antics, which Gene has long considered a sign of his virility, are now considered sexy only by prepubescent boys who’ve recently discovered Hustler. Now that he’s reprising his schtick as a reality-show dad, a little advice: the tongue’s not hot when it’s uncoiling from a face that could be shilling Sea-Bond denture cream.

[54] DR. PHIL
Boob-tube windbag

Two parts smug empathy, six parts self-satisfied gloat, this unsolicited life coach to the universe has all the charm of flatulence in a bathtub.

[49] RICHIE “LA BAMBA” ROSENBERG
Late Night’s trumpet-playing blowhard

Richie, Richie, Richie. Our voting showed you moving steadily down the list until you shaved off your trademark moustache in solidarity with Britney Spears. At which point your face looked less like Britney’s shaved head and more like her shaved . . . you-know-what. Listen to your boss, Conan.

[48] ALAN COLMES
Liberal apologist

As Fox News’s in-house lefty, Colmes has all the intellectual authority of a Nazi collaborator. But he made the list because he looks like Rocky Dennis, Cher’s son in Mask.

[47] DR. NEIL CLARK WARREN
Matchmaker

Kindly seeming, if creepy, founder/spokesman of eHarmony online dating service.

[42] JEFF FOXWORTHY
NASCAR-set comedian

He's all-American, all right: red neck, white trash, blue-collar, and the unfunny host of Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

[36] BRIAN POSEHN
Creepy dude for hire

This gross-looking, straight-out-of-central-casting “alt” comedian has carved out a niche as the best sight-gag/creepy character actor since Ferris Bueller principal/Howard the Duck villain Jeffrey Jones. He’s now co-starring on The Sarah Silverman Program, so at least he’s getting paid for it.

[33] SPENCER PRATT
King of The Hills

This obnoxious star of the MTV “documentary” series has greasy hair, a veiny neck and forehead, and a cast-iron jaw . . . and yet still manages to get playmates’ numbers. Sorta like Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, only without the charm. Which probably makes him more like Ben Affleck’s character.

[32] JAMES LIPTON
Interrogator of the stars

Curiously bearded — and possibly misshapen — host of Inside the Actors Studio.

[30] HOWIE MANDEL
High-rolling germophobe

Few things are less sexy than obsessive-compulsive disorder and fear of touching others, which spells bad news for the freaky host of Deal or No Deal. No deal, Howie. Definitely no deal.

[27] MR. BLACKWELL
Fashion cop

Dithering bag of bones whose relevance is on life-support, but who nonetheless makes the news cycle every year with his embarrassing list of the best- and worst-dressed celebs.

[22] BRUCE VILANCH
Gay comedy icon

He toured with Streisand, but looks like he’d be more at home on the road with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem: he’s like Animal with specs, if Animal was the size of a parade float.

[20] JARED FOGLE
Subway spokesmodel

Ubiquity and over-exposure has turned a merely annoying ex-fatty into a serious pain in the ass. We wish co-Subway shill Michael Strahan would just hit him like he was a tackling dummy.

[19] LARRY THE CABLE GUY
Christian filmmaker

His sexual essence can best be summed up in the metaphoric image of the ass-crack of any serviceman who ever bent over under your sink.

[15] JAMES GANDOLFINI
Waste management

DeNiro put on 60 pounds to play Jake LaMotta. But then he took it off. At some point, Gandolfini forgot to stop putting on weight, and while Tony Soprano is the more believable for it, the actor has become an eyesore — never more so than in The Sopranos final season. Two words that came up again and again in talking to women about Gandolfini: nose breathing. Yuck.

[11] MICHAEL RICHARDS
Disgraced comedian

People keep asking us how Michael Richards can redeem himself after shouting racial epithets at hecklers. The answer has nothing to do with Al Sharpton, Jerry Seinfeld, or David Letterman. If Richards wants to have a career again, he should offer to eat one steaming, regulation-size bowl of shit for each use of the n-word recorded on that TMZ.com video

[10] CARL FROM AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE
Toon trash

Wife-beater + upper-arm hair + bald pate + flip-flops + bad mustache = still sexier than Bob Dylan. 

[7] SANJAYA MALAKAR
American Idol

The class clown is operating under the delusion that he’s the class stud. 

[6] DON IMUS
Fake cowboy, real racist

Long before he called the (predominantly black) Rutgers womens’ basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos,” this leathery talk-show troll established himself as one of the ugliest faces in a medium that prizes them.

[3] FLAVOR FLAV
Public Enemy

Here’s a thought that kept us company while we were compiling the list. You know the white, pasty flakes of sputum that collect at the corners of Flav’s mouth? (Flavor crystals, we’ve taken to calling them.) Where do those go when he makes out with his ladies?

[1] DONALD TRUMP
Loathsome billionaire

It’s not the greed, the preposterous comb-over, or the public bullying that turns women off any more: it’s the pursed lips and the scrunched, pineal stare. Actually, scratch that: it’s still the hair, the greed, and the bullying.

 

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Related: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91, Slideshow: Underground fetish scene exposed, Hire us now, Ms. Gist!, More more >
  Topics: Ultimate Lists , Britney Spears, Celebrity News, Don Imus,  More more >
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