Worst in breed: Sports

The 100 Unsexiest men of 2007
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  April 12, 2007

[90] JOHN KRUK
Roundballer 

This ex-first baseman turned baseball analyst may have cut the mullet and lost a good deal of his playing weight (at his peak with the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies he looked like he had gone way past three bills). But that doesn't mean things have improved: the Baseball Tonight “expert” (whose on-air comments are anything but) has a Homer Simpson gut, and his hairstyle is now just a slicked-back mess, à la the Valdez.

[74] PEYTON MANNING
Spokesmodel

Even though we’re Patriots fans, we don’t begrudge Manning his Super Bowl victory. Honest. He’s got bad skin, resembles a life-size Hummel — hell, it’s like someone took Haley Joel Osment and stretched him vertically. In honor of his making this list, we’ve gone ahead and reserved a tee time for him in January of 2008. You know, since he won’t have anything better to do.

[72] GEORGE STEINBRENNER
Evil emperor

What could we say that hasn’t already been better articulated on the backs of the T-shirts they sell outside Fenway Park on game day?

[62] LARRY BIRD
Gomer Pyle with skillz

This is a dangerous thing to say around these parts, but his earlier prowess on the basketball court does not change the fact that he was not an attractive man. In fact, his ugliness probably enhanced his mystique a little bit. Back in the ’80s, the mullet-mustache combo was frightening. Nowadays, he somewhat resembles his name.

[57] RANDY JOHNSON
Buzzardly hurler

He was number two on our list in 2006, but women gave him a second look this year. Perhaps because he got traded from the Yankees to the Diamondbacks? (Couldn’t hack it in the big town, Randy? Suck it up, broseph: we found it much easier and more enjoyable to hate you in pinstripes.)

[55] RONALDINHO
Goal getter

The world’s greatest soccer player is so ugly, even his action figure has buck teeth. Kissing him must be like getting kicked in the face by a donkey.

[53] BUD SELIG
Baller, shot-caller

Toupee-wearing, fashion-challenged MLB commissioner could not look more like a Midwestern former used-car salesman — mainly because he is a Midwestern former used-car salesman.

[45] THE DUKE LACROSSE TEAM
Player haters

You go to Duke. You’re on the lacrosse team. And your social life is so barren that you’ve got to rent a couple of cut-rate strippers? You dudes are guilty . . . of having no game whatsoever.

[43] PACMAN JONES
Rainmaker

The NFL’s undersize Titan, recently suspended for the entire 2007 season, has an ugly Napoleon complex that has led him to treat women like wide receivers who wander into the crease. He’s also had at least nine brushes with the law, the most recent of which saw him physically abusing a stripper, which in turn led to a gunfight. One man was paralyzed from the waist down after being shot by a man in Pacman’s entourage.

[40] CURT SCHILLING
Bloggist

The gut is starting to reach Bartolo Colon proportions. Also, Curt, what’s with the hair? Are you trying to grow back the old feathered half-mullet from your Philly days? Were those Birkenstocks you were photographed wearing when you dropped the puck at a Coyotes game? Look, thanks for 2004, and we love the blog (seriously) but maybe it’s time to spend less time on video-gaming projects and more time on staying in shape. (By the way, Dan Shaughnessy: if you were more famous, you’d be here, too.)

[37] TONY KORNHEISER
Roundtablist

Sometimes an unattractive name can push a borderline awkward dude into don’t-touch-me territory. This unattractive ESPN commentator for Monday Night Football comes with several items of unfortunate baggage, not the least of which is this: who the hell wants to be Mrs. Kornheiser?

[31] BILL BELICHICK
Player-coach 

His sartorial style is not unlike that of a hobo. Somehow this didn’t stop Mr. Unassuming Genius from seducing his buddy’s wife. So perhaps Bill’s look isn’t quite as haphazard as it looks. Kind of like the “Derelicte” look perfected in Zoolander, which was “a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.” Look for Blue Steel and Magnum in the Pats’ playbook next season — if Tom Brady can turn left.

MORE OF 2007 UNSEXIEST MEN: CLICK HERE TO READ THE FULL LIST!

  Topics: Ultimate Lists , Media, Television, Arizona Diamondbacks,  More more >
| More


Most Popular
ARTICLES BY PHOENIX STAFF
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   REMEMBERING DAVID LAMB  |  April 10, 2014
    Our local music community was dealt a devastating blow with the announcement that Brown Bird’s David Lamb had succumbed to his second bout with leukemia, at age 36.
  •   BRING ON THE ALT-HOLIDAYS  |  December 31, 2013
    It’s tough to get excited about the traditional holidays these days.
  •   BIZARRE HOLIDAYS, OBSERVED  |  December 26, 2013
    In 2014, we at the Phoenix will be celebrating some alt-holidays, special days that haven’t yet been adopted — and thereby ruined — by the masses.
  •   BEST MUSIC POLL 2013  |  December 12, 2013
    A new season and the same great energy.
  •   A FLOCK OF TURKEYS  |  November 26, 2013
    B101 has been blasting Christmas music for almost a month now, which means it must be Thanksgiving.

 See all articles by: PHOENIX STAFF