Jaws

By MATT TAIBBI  |  May 9, 2007

One more bust before the start of the season will likely to turn the Jags into a phenomenon, so the situation bears watching. Think you know which Jags player will ring up the next arrest? Send me your thoughts; I’ll publish the best responses. My vote goes to wideout Matt Jones, simply because he came out of Arkansas, which is historically a solid crime program.

The singing QB
A weird story is coming out of Scottsdale, Arizona, where former Oakland Raider and Calgary Stampeder quarterback Tom Porras was arrested for felony sexual abuse and misdemeanor public sexual indecency after he allegedly assaulted a high-school girl.

Porras used to be known as the “Singing Quarterback” because he brought a guitar with him on the road and had a habit of playing Beatles songs on team buses. He is one of the few athletes to have played in the CFL, the USFL, the NFL, and the Arena League.

According to police reports, Porras, 49, who was working as a substitute teacher and athletic coach at Saguaro High School, brought a 17-year-old student back to his home for an “athletic massage,” at which point he had “unwarranted sexual contact” with her. Some reports claim Porras instructed the girl to lie on her stomach on top of an exercise ball. After she complied, he allegedly began massaging her butt before performing a “sexual act” while she straddled the ball. Interestingly, police have confiscated an exercise ball for testing.

When he’s not googling “periodontal crimes” and “white KKK devil,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.

LEADER BOARD
LAVON CHISLEY (PENN STATE) | murder | 99
STEVE SWINDAL (YANKEES) | DUI | 98
RON ARTEST (KINGS) | starving Socks, domestic violence, intimidation | 95
PACMAN JONES (TITANS) | TBA | 90
CURLY-HAIRED BOYFRIEND (GLOBE) | Being a dick and, worse, a bore who can’t write | 90
TOM PORRAS (RETIRED, RAIDERS) | creepy teen sex assault | 80
JULIO MATEO (MARINERS) | punching, biting wife | 80
MURIETTA JOCKS (MURIETTA FIGHT CLUB) | various | 75
TONE TAUPULE (U OF IDAHO) | pistol-whipping, armed robbery | 62
SIX FOOTBALL PLAYERS (GUILFORD) | assault | 50 (downgraded)
KATSUHIKO MAEKAWA (ORIX BUFFALOES) | DUI, hit/run | 47
RONNIE FIELDS (MINOT SKYROCKETS) | sex assault | 40
JERRAMY STEVENS (SEAHAWKS) | DUI, weed, throwing used condoms | 32
LIONEL SULLIVAN (BGSU) | stealing video games, being a dumbass | 31
DEX REID (COLTS) | weed, gun, being a Colt, sucking while a Patriot | 30
MARVIN JONES (IDAHO) | dealing coke to undercover cops, getting caught for same | 30
MIKE TYSON (N/A) | coke, DUI | 28
RASHAUN BROADUS (BYU HOOPS) | DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name | 26
GUSTAVO CHACIN (BLUE JAYS) | DUI, having cologne named after him | 26
TONY LA RUSSA (CARDINALS) | DUI | 25
RYAN KRAUSE (CHARGERS) | DUI | 25
DONTRELLE WILLIS (MARLINS) | DUI, peeing | 23
BATMAN CARROLL (JAGUARS) | gun, ecstasy, sucking | 22
CHARLES SHARON (JAGUARS) | stolen gun | 22
DARRELL REID (COLTS) | weed-in-car, being a Colt | 20
RANDY FOYE (T-WOLVES) | fighting | 20
MINNY P.D. (N/A) | Tasering | 20
KRIS LUCHSINGER (OHIO) | bar fight | 18
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | gun, speeding | 17
TINSLEY, DANIELS, MCLEOD (PACERS) | fighting | 15
TARELL BROWN (TEXAS) | pre-draft weed bust | 11
STEVE GARCIA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | keying a professor’s car, not getting away with it | 9
MOBILE P.D. (N/A) | being dicks | 5
HOWARD STIRGUS (DENTON) | bomb threats | 3
KYLE MCALARNEY (NOTRE DAME) | weed | 1
TERRANCE DESHAWN HOOKS | weed | 1
ELIJAH DUKES (DEVIL RAYS) | weed, being black and not giving a fuck | 0.5

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