“Arizona’s pretty when it rains.” . . . “I’d rather live in a drug world.” — there’s a haiku in there somewhere. Sandra is a libertarian, a pro wrestler and a former porn star who went by the name of Tyffany Million, but (this being the Women’s Entertainment channel) the show prefers to focus on her softer side. Standing outside an arcade called Golfland with her daughter Ever-Skye, she described it as “the perfect place to get out of bounty-hunter mode and into mommy mode.”

Over on Animal Planet, the testosterone levels were spiking dangerously, as Diesel the Siberian husky got saucy with English dog dominatrix Victoria Stilwell on IT’S ME OR THE DOG (Monday at 8.30 pm). From her prancing topknot to the tips of her square-toed Mod boots, Stilwell has the crisp crumpet appeal of a vintage Bond girl, and Diesel was all over it: enquiringly he shoved his muzzle up the back vent of her belted trenchcoat and then — emboldened — attempted a full mount, tongue out, staggering slightly on the stilts of his hind legs. “Diesel has yet to be neutered,” confided the narrator. Offensive noises were blasted into his ear, and a syringe-happy local vet attempted some form of chemical castration. No good: “The excited husky can’t keep his paws off Victoria.” Banished at last to the cellar, Diesel vented his frustration by peeing all over the walls. Upstairs, Victoria cracked the whip: when Diesel reappeared, his owner, Becky, was made to eat cereal out of a dog bowl. This ritual is supposed to impress an uppity canine with a deep sense of hierarchical propriety; it looked very kinky to me.

On ULTIMATE FIGHTER 5 (Spike TV, Saturday at 10pm), bully boy Marlon Sims and two of his fellow maulers were ejected from the group house for fighting outside office hours. A campfire, a bottle of tequila . . . someone hears the word “chump” . . . surely a mixed martial-arts brawl is pardonable? But UFC majordomo Dana White was having none of it: “You should be fuckin’ embarrassed! That is exactly what most people in the real world think of us — that we’re a bunch of fuckin’ GOONS.”

Next week: lotion-based unscripted drama with the E! Channel’s SUNSET TAN. Stay tuned

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