Paul’s got Kate?

By JAMES PARKER  |  June 19, 2007

Intoxicants also flowed freely in the ULTIMATE FIGHTER 5 (Spike, Saturday at 9 pm) group house, where the combatants unwound on a surge of collective inebriation. Food spattered the walls, a window was broken, Rob Emerson body-surfed across a fully loaded kitchen table, and Cole Miller abandoned himself to sociable feelings. “Joe Lauzon!” he cried, embracing the quiet Lauzon on a couch. “Why’d you have to kick my ass?!” “Cole is a very, shall we say, feminine drunk,” explained Brian Geraghty. Miller ended the night asleep on the toilet, having his head shaved by a giggling Manny Gamburyan. The final bout of the series will take place this Saturday, June 23, when the pint-sized mauler Gamburyan faces the semi-feral Nate Diaz. My money’s on Gamburyan: not an attractive fighter by any means, all sweat and homicide, but there is something indestructible about him. I can’t imagine him being beaten without the aid of large pieces of concrete.

Bear Grylls, meanwhile, was thrashing through the Everglades in the second-season premiere of MAN VS. WILD (Discovery Channel, Friday at 9 pm), feasting on maggots and hurling himself into sinkholes. If you get lost in the subtropical marshlands of South Florida and you need to find your North, here’s what you do: tie your water bottle or some other floating object to a tree and wait for an hour. The body of water that makes up the Everglades is a hundred-mile-long river flowing southward at the speed of soup, so eventually your homemade compass will be pointing toward Florida Bay. As he splashed through the knee-high swampwater, Bear mentioned the deleterious effect of constant wetness on morale and emphasized the need to keep one’s spirits up while “surviving.” “He’s always talking about that,” said my wife, knowledgeably. She is a huge Bear Grylls fan.

Sheer aggro on IT’S ME OR THE DOG (Animal Planet, Monday at 8.30 pm), as jackbooted troubleshooter Victoria Stilwell was brought in to discipline two shrieking lapdogs: Tyson, a two-year-old Maltese, and Pixie, a three-year-old Pomeranian. The combined yapping of these two skittish, sneezy animals reached 115 decibels: it seemed a miracle that they had not already been stamped upon. “As loud as a chainsaw,” commented Victoria. “Fifteen minutes a day of that and you’re risking permanent hearing loss.” As always, there was a marital issue to resolve: the dog’s owner, Antonella, had kicked the gormless Lee out of the queen-size so she could snuggle with her dog babies. Victoria was appalled. “We have to get these two sleeping together again!”

Next week: hilarity-based unscripted drama with NBC’s LAST COMIC STANDING. Stay tuned.

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