Squish the fish

By MATT TAIBBI  |  July 18, 2007

Reaching new Hites
Attentive basketball fans might have noticed an unusual name gracing a roster in the Orlando NBA summer league this past week. No, it wasn’t the return of Celtics’ draft bust Kedrick Brown (may Allah curse his name). The name in question was Robert Hite, formerly of the Miami Heat and patron saint of Faulty Sports Arrests.

Hite, who was then on the Nets’ summer roster and might yet make someone’s team, was arrested earlier this year for a DUI while a member of the Miami squad, and was promptly kicked off the team by Pat Riley, despite playing well in a few regular-season games. But tests later showed that Hite was not in fact intoxicated, that his blood alcohol was well within the legal limit, and that he was unfairly held by police. Unfortunately, this little-known player missed a Heat game against the Mavericks because of the arrest, and his subsequent dismissal forced him to spend the rest of the year with Sioux City, of the NBDL.

Hite had an interesting quote about his fate when he resurfaced as a Net in Orlando. “No hard feelings at all,” he said. “It’s the business of the NBA.”

Getting kicked off the team for a DUI is the business of the NBA? Maybe that is true, if you only averaged 4.3 points and 1.3 rebounds per game.

SPORTS CRIME LEADERBOARD
PACMAN JONES (TITANS) | multiple offenses, leaving dude paralyzed, having rocks in his tiny head | 110
LAVON CHISLEY (PENN STATE) | murder (case pending) | 99
JIMMY LEON WILSON (MONTANA) | murder (case pending) | 99
JAMES CURRY (EX-TORONTO ARGONAUTS) | murder (case pending) | 99
LOREN WADE (ARIZONA STATE) | murder, second degree | 98
STEVE SWINDAL (YANKEES) | DUI | 98
RON ARTEST (KINGS) | starving Socks, domestic violence, intimidation | 95
CURLY-HAIRED BOYFRIEND (GLOBE) | making strange, heated calls to strangers | 90
ELIJAH DUKES (D-RAYS) | stalking, threats, weed, multiple busts, being a dick | 82
TOM PARROS (RETIRED, RAIDERS) | creepy teen sex assault | 80
JULIO MATEO (MARINERS) | punching, biting wife | 80
RICHARD SEIGLER (STEELERS) | pimping | 79
MURIETTA JOCKS (MURIETTA FIGHT CLUB) | various | 75
DERRICK DAVIS (MONTANA STATE) | punching, throwing things at women | 70
A.J. NICHOLSON (BENGALS) | hitting girlfriend, inducing her to say she hit herself | 69
TONE TAUPULE (U OF IDAHO) | pistol-whipping, armed robbery | 62
BRYANT MCNEAL (RAIDERS) | bilking a pawnbroker and, worse, a dentist | 50
JUSTIN MILLER (JETS) | accidental girl-punching, getting caught on foot by cops | 50 
SIX FOOTBALL PLAYERS (GUILFORD) | assault | 50 (downgraded)
KATSUHIKO MAEKAWA (ORIX BUFFALOES) | DUI, hit/run | 47
RONNIE FIELDS (MINOT SKYROCKETS) | sex assault | 40
MIKE GILLESPIE (FLORIDA A&M) | lurking, pseudo-stalking | 38
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER DEWAR (CMU) | window peeping | 38
DAVID “CIRCUS” KIRCUS (BRONCS) | breaking dude’s face | 36
JUSTIN JACKSON (TENNESSEE) | slinging rock | 33
JERRAMY STEVENS (SEAHAWKS) | DUI, weed, throwing used condoms | 32
LIONEL SULLIVAN (BGSU) | stealing video games, being a dumbass | 31
DEX REID (COLTS) | weed, gun, being a Colt, sucking while a Patriot | 30
MARVIN JONES (IDAHO) | dealing coke to undercover cops, getting caught for same | 30
MIKE TYSON (N/A) | coke, DUI | 28
RASHAUN BROADUS (BYU HOOPS) | DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name | 26
GUSTAVO CHACIN (BLUE JAYS) | DUI, having cologne named after him | 26
TONY LA RUSSA (CARDINALS) | DUI | 25
RYAN KRAUSE (CHARGERS) | DUI | 25
CHRIS CHAMBERS (DOLPHINS) | DUI | 25
HENRY MELTON (UT LONGHORNS) | DUI | 25
TANK JOHNSON (CHICAGO BEARS) | DUI | 25
GAINESVILLE POLICE (FLA) | entrapping with dimebags, being sneaky fucks | 23
DONTRELLE WILLIS (MARLINS) | DUI, peeing | 23
BATMAN CARROLL (JAGUARS) | gun, ecstasy, sucking | 22
CHARLES SHARON (JAGUARS) | stolen gun | 22
DARRELL REID (COLTS) | weed-in-car, being a Colt | 20
RANDY FOYE (T-WOLVES) | fighting | 20
MINNY P.D. (N/A) | Tasering | 20
KRIS LUCHSINGER (OHIO) | bar fight | 18
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | gun, speeding | 17
TINSLEY, DANIELS, MCLEOD (PACERS) | fighting | 15
YAMENE COLEMAN (BAMA) | stealing bad pizza | 12
TARELL BROWN (TEXAS) | pre-draft weed bust | 11
STEVE GARCIA ( SOUTH CAROLINA ) | keying a professor’s car, not getting away with it | 9
ROBERT ANTHONY GRANT (FORT HAYS STATE) | fugitive balling | 6
MOBILE P.D. (N/A) | being dicks | 5
ANTHONY WATERS (CHARGERS) | assault, being a Charger | 5
HOWARD STIRGUS (DENTON) | bomb threats | 3
DERMARR JOHNSON (NUGGETS) |getting Tasered | 2
MIKE TAYLOR (IOWA STATE) | stealing $11.06| 1.5
KYLE MCALARNEY (NOTRE DAME) | weed | 1
TERRANCE DESHAWN HOOKS | weed | 1
BRANDON JAMES AND BRANDON POWELL (FLORIDA) | victims of petty weed entrapment | -9

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