Rocket science

By MATT TAIBBI  |  September 14, 2007

Places like this, in this case, apparently meant a house in a poor neighborhood in Jackson, where Reed’s friends hung out. How come they never find a “fan” who says something like, “Who cares if he smokes weed? So do I, every night before I whack off to Hustler.”

Anyway, I’m giving Reed a half-point on the crime scale, the half coming for being too stoned to drop the bag before the cops braceleted him.

Return of the Peavy
It might be time to start naming some more-common sports crimes. Already in this column we’ve identified some of the extreme species of jock-bust, in particular the “Probert” — so named after hockey goon-legend Bob “The Bad One” Probert, who was the standard-setter for jocks getting blasted on coke and refusing to submit to arrest without multiple Taser shots. We’ve also had the “Arenas-o-sault,” named after Agent Zero down in Washington, describing the athlete who says, “You can’t arrest me, I’m a pro athlete” as he is dragged into the cruiser. In fact, our own ex-Patriot Ty Law is a pioneer of the Arenas-o-sault.

Now it might be time to coin the “Peavy,” i.e., a bust of an athlete who freaks out at an airport when cops tell him he can’t park in the pick-up/drop-off lane. San Diego Padres ace Jake Peavy had one of those this past year; cops at the Mobile, Alabama, airport told him he couldn’t double-park his car to unload his bags, and Peavy told them, basically, to send him a bill (“Write me a ticket, I’ll pay it,” he reportedly said). Cops were unamused and hauled his ass to the hole.

Normally these stories reek of small-town law enforcement resentment at being big-timed by out-of-town jocks in a hurry. We had a similar story this past week, when Cleveland Browns cornerback Leigh Bodden was busted by police at Hopkins International Airport, in Cleveland. The corner apparently made the mistake of putting his 2004 Yukon (why is it always a Yukon?) in reverse in a one-way arrivals area. When cops told him to stop, he parked the car in a no-parking area. Bedlam and shouting ensued; Bodden then pulled a full Peavy, refusing to move his car from the no-parking zone. Offended law-enforcement personnel eventually deemed Bodden “abusive,” and his ass, too, was dragged away in an outstanding use of taxpayer money.

Bodden is going to get a half-point too; he can keep Reed company at the bottom of the list.

When he’s not googling “Rocket lurch” and “Peavy strikes out,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached at M_Taibbi@yahoo.com.

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