Skell of the year

By MATT TAIBBI  |  December 18, 2007

When he’s not googling “Pacman game over,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.

LEADER BOARD
LAVON CHISLEY (PENN STATE)
| murder | 125
PACMAN JONES (TITANS) | multiple offenses, leaving dude paralyzed, having rocks in his tiny head | 110
JAMES "JIMMY" LEON WILSON (MONTANA) | murder (case pending) | 99
LOREN WADE (ARIZONA STATE) | murder, second degree | 98
STEVE SWINDAL (YANKEES) | DUI | 98
RON ARTEST (KINGS) | starving Socks, domestic violence, intimidation | 95
DOMINIC JONES (MINNESOTA) | cell-phone video rapist (case pending) | 90
JAMES RYAN NORRIS (TENNESSEE–CHATTANOOGA) | a rape and sexual assault at the same time | 90
NATHANIEL PORTER (COLLEGE OF THE SEQUOIAS) | carjacking, officer-involved shooting | 90
CURLY-HAIRED BOYFRIEND (GLOBE) | making strange, heated phone calls to strangers | 90
O.J. SIMPSON (CITIZEN OF THE WORLD) | being just too funny for words | 88
MARIO TYNES, ERIC BROWN, RICKEY JOHNSON (CCU) | pistol-whipping, home invasion, toting pounds of doobage | 85
JULIO MATEO (PHILLIES) | punching, biting wife, sitting in bullpen with Brett Myers | 85
JOSEPH CARROLL (EX–GEORGIA BASEBALL) | attempted child-fondling | 84
ELIJAH DUKES (NATIONALS) | stalking, threats, weed, multiple busts, being a dick | 82
GREG COLEMAN, JERAMY PATE, AND MIKE SHELTON (MONTANA) | kidnapping/Tasering/home invasion | 80
TOM PARROS (RETIRED, RAIDERS) | creepy teen sex assault | 80
RICHARD SEIGLER (STEELERS) | pimping | 79
MURIETTA JOCKS (MURIETTA FIGHT CLUB) | various | 75
DERRICK DAVIS (MONTANA STATE) | punching, throwing things at women | 70
CLAUDE TERRELL (RAMS) | breaking wife’s nose | 70
A.J. NICHOLSON (BENGALS) | hitting girlfriend, inducing her to say she hit herself | 69
TONE TAUPULE (IDAHO) | pistol-whipping, armed robbery | 62
JORDAN MURCHISON (WASHINGTON) | girl-beating, hair-pulling, being a dick | 60
TIM DONAGHY (NBA) | spearheading the NBA’s own personal Black Sox scandal | 58
JASON KIDD (NETS) | grabbing large-girl crotch; acting six years old | 55
DANA BROWN (IOWA) | girl-punching | 51
DOMINIQUE DOUGLAS (IOWA) | stealing $30.02 worth of DVDs from Wal-Mart, online hat shopping with stolen credit cards | 51
RAFER ALSTON (ROCKETS) | getting medieval and then blaming it on money-seeking victims | 50
BRYANT MCNEAL (RAIDERS) | bilking a pawnbroker and, worse, a dentist | 50
JUSTIN MILLER (JETS) | accidental girl-punching, getting caught on foot by cops | 50
SIX FOOTBALL PLAYERS (GUILFORD) | assault | 50 (downgraded)
MICHAEL VICK (FALCONS) | canine hijinx | 49
SCOTT OLSEN (MARLINS) | getting Tasered, getting beat up by one’s own teammates, being a boorish clown with a lollipop breaking ball | 48
KATSUHIKO MAEKAWA (ORIX BUFFALOES) | DUI, hit/run | 47
ADRIAN BANKS (ARKANSAS STATE) | emptying a gun “so no one gets shot” | 45
RONNIE FIELDS (MINOT SKYROCKETS) | sex assault | 40
MICHAEL SIPILI (COLORADO) | breaking dude’s face in three places | 40
MIKE GILLESPIE (FLORIDA A&M) | lurking, pseudo-stalking | 38
ANDRE JONES (TEXAS) | home invasion (case pending) | 38
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER DEWAR (CMU) | window peeping | 38
DAVID “CIRCUS” KIRCUS (BRONCOS) | breaking dude’s face | 36
LEE GRAY (EX-IOWA) | slinging rock and X | 35
CHRIS PERRI (COLORADO) | pounding on dude who tried to protect his girlfriend | 36
JUSTIN JACKSON (TENNESSEE) | slinging rock | 33
JERRAMY STEVENS (SEAHAWKS) | DUI, weed, throwing used condoms | 32
JOSE OFFERMAN (LONG ISLAND DUCKS) | hitting dudes with bat | 31
ANTHONY BOWMAN (IOWA) | online hat shopping with stolen credit cards | 31
LIONEL SULLIVAN (BGSU) | stealing video games, being a dumbass | 31
DEX REID (COLTS) | weed, gun, being a Colt, sucking while a Patriot | 30
MARVIN JONES (IDAHO) | dealing coke to undercover cops, getting caught for same | 30
MIKE TYSON (N/A) | coke, DUI | 28
RASHAUN BROADUS (BYU) | DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name | 26
GUSTAVO CHACIN (BLUE JAYS) | DUI, having cologne named after him | 26
PETER GARDERE (TEXAS) | DUI | 25
TONY LA RUSSA (CARDINALS) | DUI | 25
RYAN KRAUSE (CHARGERS) | DUI | 25
HENRY MELTON (TEXAS) | DUI | 25
TANK JOHNSON (CHICAGO BEARS) | DUI | 25
MAURICE PURIFY (NEBRASKA) | DUI, etc. | 25
GAINESVILLE POLICE (FL) | entrapping with dimebags, being sneaky fucks | 23
DONTRELLE WILLIS (MARLINS) | DUI, peeing | 23
BATMAN CARROLL (JAGUARS) | gun, ecstasy, sucking | 22
CHARLES SHARON (JAGUARS) | stolen gun | 22
DARRELL REID (COLTS) | weed-in-car, being a Colt | 20
RANDY FOYE (T-WOLVES) | fighting | 20
MINNY P.D. (MN) | Tasering | 20
KWAME BROWN (LAKERS) | Being verbally demonstrative with Georgia cops | 18
KRIS LUCHSINGER (OHIO) | bar fight | 18
CHESTER PITTS (TEXANS) | weird roadside resisting rap | 18
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | gun, speeding | 17
TINSLEY, DANIELS, MCLEOD (PACERS) | fighting | 15
TARELL BROWN (TEXAS) | pre-draft weed bust | 11
QUINCY CARTER (BOSSIER-SHREVEPORT BATTLEWINGS) | for the ten-thousandth time, weed | 9
STEVE GARCIA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | keying a professor’s car, not getting away with it | 9
ROBERT ANTHONY GRANT (FORT HAYS STATE) | fugitive balling | 6
ERIC SCOTT (UCLA) | weird-ass burglary case | 6
MOBILE P.D. (AL) | being dicks | 5
ANTHONY WATERS (CHARGERS) | assault | 5
TYRELL GATEWOOD (TEXAS) | weed, driving while holding outstanding warrant | 5
SHAWNE WILLIAMS (PACERS) | driving without a license, making Larry Bird miserable | 3
TODD MARINOVICH (EX-RAIDER) | skateboarding on meth | 3
ANDRAY BLATCHE (WIZARDS) | soliciting undercover cop-chick on eve of contract signing | 3
ANTONIO HENTON (OHIO STATE) | also soliciting, but for less money than Blatche | 3
HOWARD STIRGUS (DENTON) | bomb threats | 3
DERMARR JOHNSON (NUGGETS) |getting Tasered | 2
MIKE TAYLOR (IOWA STATE) | stealing $11.06 | 1.5
WILLIE WILLIAMS (LOUISVILLE) | weed | 1
KYLE MCALARNEY (NOTRE DAME) | weed | 1
TERRANCE DESHAWN HOOKS (BYU) | weed | 1
JUSTIN REED (ROCKETS) | failing to drop weed baggie | 0.5
LEIGH BODDEN (BROWNS) | pulling a “full Peavy” | 0.5
BRANDON RUSH (KANSAS) | getting hosed by traffic cops | -3
BRANDON JAMES AND BRANDON POWELL (FLORIDA) | victims of petty weed entrapment | -9

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