Easy policework

By MATT TAIBBI  |  February 20, 2008

As a result, Colquitt has been suspended for the first five games of next season and also has had his scholarship stripped. (Why does the son of an NFL player need a scholarship, anyway?) He will be required to undergo alcohol counseling, as well as “other internal punishments.” But if all goes well, he’ll be back for the bowl game next year.

Meanwhile, give him the standard 20 points for the DUI, plus eight for walking away from the tree stump. There’s nothing lower than a hit and run.

We were just trying to help
Problems arose at Indiana University over the weekend, where freshman linebacker Darius Johnson had what some might describe as a bad night. Police found Johnson, 18, passed out on a stairwell early Saturday morning and called an ambulance to take him away.

Once inside the ambulance, Johnson went completely mental, waking up and “kicking his legs and swinging his arms at the ambulance crew,” which could not have been pleasant for most involved. He is said to have “knocked over items all over the ambulance,” which was part of what led police to charge him with resisting arrest, in addition to public intoxication.

Seems unfair to me; the guy was passed out, then wakes up in a strange vehicle, being hauled God knows where. I’d resist, too.

Meanwhile, across campus, teammates James Bailey (a wideout) and Demetrious McCray (a running back) were arrested for disorderly conduct, your garden-variety loud-music beef.

All three have been released from Monroe County Jail. IU says discipline will be handled “internally.”

When he’s not googling “Alabama slammer” and “fourth and very long,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.

| DUI manslaughter | 90
JEREMY ELDER (ALABAMA) | late-night stickup | 55
ADAM “PACMAN” JONES (TITANS) | being a menace to peaceful strip-club patrons everywhere | 50
JOHN STEPHENS (EX-PATRIOTS) | sex-assault fugitive | 48
DAVID CORNACCHIA (FLA. EVERBLADES) | mid-flight assault, head-butting bystanders, exposing wine-shrunken wiener | 46
BRANDON PETTIGREW (OKLAHOMA STATE) | elbowing Stillwater’s finest | 42
CHANNING CROWDER (DOLPHINS) | leaving the scene, making good early impression on Bill Parcells | 30
DANIEL GRAHAM (BRONCOS) | ambiguous domestic-violence beef; hit a bedpost | 30
JASON HORTON (MISSOURI) | beating up “kitchen help” | 30
TYRONE NESBY (EX-CLIPPERS) | ginormous child-support debt | 30
RICHARD TODD BURGER (EX-JETS) | leg-breaking for Internet gambling site | 28
BRITTON COLQUITT (TENNESSEE) | DUI, hitting a car, hitting tree stump, then walking away from the scene | 28
XAVIER HICKS (WASHINGTON STATE) | putting rubbing alcohol in roommate’s contact-lens case| 22
DEMARCUS GRANGER (OKLAHOMA) | stealing winter coat — in Arizona; refusing to appear | 21
RANDY NEWSOM (AKRON AEROS) | sold shares in his future earnings in dicey scheme that Ponzi would have admired | 18
GERALD JONES AND AHMAD PAIGE (TENNESSEE) | Cheech and Chong/Up in Smoke impersonation, while in car | 12
SHAUN WHITE (X-TREME SPORTS) | spraying fire extinguisher, acting like the little douchebag he is | 11
DERRICK JONES (OREGON) | operating a less-than-one-ounce “drug house” | 1

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