Fallen eagle

By MATT TAIBBI  |  April 30, 2008

From now on we’re going to add 10 points for any professional or Division-1 athlete who gets chased down on foot by ordinary, Twinkie-eating police. No one will ever repeat the shame of former Florida State star wideout Peter Warrick, who ran a 4.57 40 before the draft and was chased down from behind by a female cop. But there will be others — even our own Ty Law was chased down by cops in Miami. With the bump, give Strickland 24 points. Not good form, guys, not solid at all.

Last but not least
Speaking of Mr. Law, we have an honorary Ty Law–esque “you can't arrest me, I’m an NFL player” bust, and this one also involves an Indianapolis Colt.

Kenton Keith, a pest of a second-string running back the Colts stole from some hole in Canada, got busted this past week for refusing to leave a club parking lot after closing time. Asked by police to clear out, Keith said he was a member of the Colts and would leave when he was ready.

Turns out they got him ready ahead of time, dragging Keith in on misdemeanor criminal trespassing. Not so tough now, are you, you Peyton Manning lover! Twenty points for the trespassing, 10 more for being a Colt.

When he’s not googling “grounded Eagle” and “stumbling Colts,” Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.

2008 Leader Board
| DUI manslaughter | 90
BRADY SMITH (EX-BC) | being a drunken slob of a would-be rapist | 89
BRANDAN WRIGHT (EX-BETHUNE-COOKMAN) | running dude over with an Isuzu for owing him $200 | 89
JEROME MATHIS (TEXANS) | choking pregnant babymama | 75
FABIAN WASHINGTON (RAIDERS) | red marks on girlfriend’s neck | 70
JAMES HARRISON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend to facilitate a baptism | 60
ANDY CHRISTENSEN (NEBRASKA) | wantonly grabbing unguarded vagina in bar | 55
JEREMY ELDER (EX-ALABAMA) | late-night stickup | 55
CEDRIC WILSON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend, but not in order to facilitate a baptism | 55
CARL ELLER (EX-VIKINGS) | DUI, tossing cops around like birdseed | 50
ADAM "PACMAN" JONES (TITANS) | being a menace to peaceful strip-club patrons everywhere | 50
MAURICE SIMMONS (USC) | being the wheelman for a Compton armed mugging | 50
SHAWNE WILLIAMS (PACERS) | harboring an accused first-degree murderer | 50
JOHN STEPHENS (EX-PATRIOTS) | sex-assault fugitive | 48
DAVID CORNACCHIA (FLA. EVERBLADES) | mid-flight assault, head-butting bystanders, exposing wine-shrunken wiener | 46
KEITH MCCANTS (EX-ALABAMA) | getting Tasered after hurling pliers and crack pipe at cops | 43
BRANDON PETTIGREW (OKLAHOMA STATE) | elbowing Stillwater’s finest | 42
RIAR GEER (COLORADO) | randomly assaulting two students, being an asshole | 40
JOSH JARBOE (OKLAHOMA) | bringing totally unnecessary .380 handgun to track meet | 40
LYNN KATOA (COLORADO) | campus assault | 40
KEITH MCLEOD (EX-PACERS) | being the latest Pacer alum to discharge a firearm in public | 40
JORGE REYES AND JOHN WALLACE (OREGON) | being dumbasses and shooting .22 rounds into a neighbor’s house | 37
CHRIS HENRY (EX-BENGALS) | getting arrested way too many times | 35
STEFON JACKSON (UTEP) | hindering prosecution; attracting fugitives | 31
SCOTT SPIEZIO (CARDINALS) | flipping a car in the OC, staggering away from the scene, going mental at some random citizen | 31
CHANNING CROWDER (DOLPHINS) | leaving the scene, making good early impression on Bill Parcells | 30
DANIEL GRAHAM (BRONCOS) | ambiguous domestic-violence beef; hit a bedpost | 30
JASON HORTON (MISSOURI) | beating up “kitchen help” | 30
KENTON KEITH (COLTS) | refusing to leave a parking lot because he’s a Colt and doesn’t need to listen to anyone | 30
TYRONE NESBY (EX-CLIPPERS) | ginormous child-support debt | 30
DAN ROONEY (STEELERS) | hypocritical defense of girlfriend-punching players, but only the good ones | 30
RICHARD TODD BURGER (EX-JETS) | leg-breaking for Internet gambling site | 28
BRITTON COLQUITT (TENNESSEE) | DUI, hitting a car, hitting tree stump, then walking away from the scene | 28
RYAN O'BYRNE (CANADIENS) | stealing a chick's purse | 27
DONALD STRICKLAND (NINERS) | being belligerent and drunk, getting caught by cops on foot, playing for the Colts at one time | 24
XAVIER HICKS (WASHINGTON STATE) | putting rubbing alcohol in roommate’s contact-lens case| 22
DEMARCUS GRANGER (OKLAHOMA) | stealing winter coat — in Arizona; refusing to appear | 21
RANDY NEWSOM (AKRON AEROS) | sold shares in his future earnings in dicey scheme that Ponzi would have admired | 18
GERALD JONES AND AHMAD PAIGE (TENNESSEE) | Cheech and Chong/Up in Smoke impersonation, while in car | 12
SHAUN WHITE (X-TREME SPORTS) | spraying fire extinguisher, acting like the little douchebag he is | 11
MIKHAIL MARINOVICH (SYRACUSE) | breaking into a school equipment room; adding another arrest to the family ledger | 10
DERRICK JONES (OREGON) | operating a less-than-one-ounce “drug house” | 1
KEVIN FAULK (PATRIOTS) | contributing to the cancer-like misery of Patriots fans | 0.5
BRYAN GRIER (MAINE) | weighing 344 pounds and power-carjacking in New Hampshire | INCOMPLETE (pending psych review)

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