Lemon laws

By MATT TAIBBI  |  July 9, 2008

Too many individual Dawgs to give points to in this issue — let’s just give the whole school 34 points, for generally being drunken, truant batterers. But hey, why spoil that top ranking? The starters on the football team should all have their cases disposed of before the season starts.

Supplemental draft, here I come
Make room for JaJuan Spillman, a University of Louisville wideout who wins this week’s dumbass award for having a joint in his mouth when police pulled him over early this past Friday morning.

Louisville cops say that Spillman refused to stop for several blocks, and that, when he did, he was smoking a blunt. Yanked out of the car, he slurred his words and had trouble standing up — but managed to impress upon police over and over that he played wide receiver for Louisville. Shades of Ty Law and Agent Zero — I love it. Police tacked on a concealed-firearm charge, and coach Steve Kragthorpe announced Spillman’s release from the team on Sunday night.

Give this kid 25 points for the DUI, plus 10 for the repeat violation (he pleaded guilty to possession after a car accident in February 2007), and five more for being so high that he forgot to pull the joint out of his mouth. That makes 40 points total — go Cards!

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