Rube awakening

A former Jail Blazer returns to action. Plus, hugging it out at Portland State.
By MATT TAIBBI  |  December 2, 2009

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Couldn’t you feel that void, that emptiness resulting from the failure of former LA Clipper and Portland Trail Blazer Ruben Patterson to get arrested for anything at all recently?

For years, Patterson was in the sports-crime Super Friends, a regular at the Hall of Injustice along with J.R. Rider, Lawrence Phillips, Darryl Strawberry, and Bob “The Bad One” Probert. Patterson was (as far as my research can determine) the first NBA player ever to have to register as a sex offender. He won that honor after his 2000 guilty plea for the attempted rape of his child’s nanny (he allegedly forced the nanny to perform a sex act on him).

Only months earlier, Patterson had been convicted of misdemeanor assault, for breaking the jaw of a guy who scratched his car outside a club in his hometown of Cleveland. He was suspended by the NBA for three days.

He’s also been arrested for assaulting his wife, and would eventually become a founding member of the Portland Jail Blazers club — perhaps the greatest concentrated collection of sports criminals ever assembled. Even among this crew — which included dog-abuser Qyntel Woods and Zach “Wake Up, Honey, My Dong Is in Your Ass” Randolph — Patterson was probably the baddest bad guy. His arrival on the team inspired many famous incidents, including one in which Patterson scrapped with Woods until Randolph stepped in and, while a teammate held Patterson’s arms, Randolph sucker-punched him in the eye, breaking a bone.

The sad thing is that Patterson could really ball — for a while there, he might have been the best defensive player this side of Scottie Pippen and Ron Artest, and his self-proclaimed title of “Kobe stopper” was not totally undeserved. He could even score a little if you switched off him nine or 10 times in a row.

Anyway, Patterson is out of the league now; he was last seen playing for a club in Lebanon, but is apparently just pub-crawling in Ohio these days. He was in Columbus last week at a bar called the Buckeye Hall of Fame Café when an altercation broke out. A woman was leaving the bar during the scuffle when a shot rang out, and she realized she’d been hit in the leg.

Patterson wasn’t the shooter, but he was there, and when police tried to arrest him (which may have had something to do with the fact that he was carrying a gun), Patterson resisted. Cops ended up tasering him. He was charged with resisting arrest and carrying a concealed weapon, and was released on a $10,000 bond.

This sounds like a 40-point incident; it’d be 35 for someone else, but Ruben has at least five lifetime-dick points added to the mix.

You mean that's a crime?
Memo to college football players: if you get blasted and have nothing to do, do not go wandering into the dorm rooms of random co-eds, offering to hug them and grab their ass. Especially if you are, say, a 285-pound defensive tackle.

This frightens women. It does not put them at ease. In fact, they may even be inclined to call the police and have you arrested for harassment, third-degree sexual abuse, and third-degree assault once you’ve left the room.

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Related: Spring fever, Bland theft auto, Rocky pot, More more >
  Topics: Sports , NBA Northwest Division, Portland Trail Blazers, J.R. Rider,  More more >
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