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Bengals and Bulldogs

You can cut that graph out and hang on to it — it's good for use about once per week. In this case, the variables, listed in convenient shorthand:

A_ Clarksville, Indiana; B_ Chris Terry; C_ Georgia Bulldogs; D_ alcohol; E_ cocaine; F_ handgun; G_ possession of cocaine, possession of a handgun without a permit, and public intoxication; H_ Carolina Panthers; I_ second; J_ 1999; K_ two.

From now on, we'll just call this kind of offense a "Bulldog," and to me it's worth 35 points because of the gun.

Matt Taibbi can be reached at m_taibbi@yahoo.com.