The dumbass chronicles

By MATT TAIBBI  |  April 8, 2010

Mills has sued Holmes and has also recently decided to press charges, changing her mind after initially opting not to file. One police report indicates that Mills was smiling and touching Holmes’s face after the incident, so who knows what’s really going on. But Holmes has been in trouble before, with one disorderly conduct charge (later dropped after he paid a fine), a domestic-assault charge (involving the mother of one of his three kids; also later dropped), and a weed charge. A nightclub incident beefs up his sports-crime résumé, but he still needs an unregistered-handgun arrest and a bust for vehicular ramming to score the rare NFL sports-crime pentafecta. Give Roethlisberger 60 points and Holmes 58, and stay tuned for more on both cases later.

Matt Taibbi can be reached at m_taibbi@yahoo.com.

LEADER BOARD
BOGDAN RUDENKO (COLORADO SPRINGS GOLD KINGS) | murder | 90
BRENT VINSON (EX-TENNESSEE) | accessory to murder | 89
MIGUEL STARKS AND REGINALD RICE (THE CITADEL) | Clockwork Orange–style home invasion | 88
ROBERT MITCHELL AND KELLY WHITNEY (EX–SETON HALL) | eight — count ’em eight — counts of kidnapping | 85
TYLER CAMPBELL (COASTAL CAROLINA) | kidnapping and pet assault | 70
WARREN SAPP (EX-BUCS) | girlfriend-choking | 63
BEN ROETHLISBERGER (STEELERS) | another sexual assault allegation | 60
GARY BROWN (FLORIDA) | girl-hitting/scratching | 58
SANTONIO HOLMES (STEELERS) | chucking a glass at chick’s face in nightclub | 58
LAMICHAEL JAMES (OREGON) | girlfriend-choking | 58
DEON ANDERSON (COWBOYS) | scary gun-waving incident | 50
GERALD AND BRANDON LAIRD, AND THEIR CRAZY-ASS GRANDPA (TIGERS, YANKEES) | messing with Eddie House's wife, attacking security guards | 48
GILBERT ARENAS (WIZARDS) | fun with guns | 40
CHRIS TERRY (EX-CHIEFS, BENGALS) | a standard "Bulldog" | 35
DUSTY DVORACEK (BEARS) | being a big hulking drunken menace to bouncers | 31
TERRANCE TOLIVER (LSU) | resisting arrest, getting himself Tasered | 31
KIKO ALONSO (OREGON) | DUI; another arrested Duck | 25
RONNIE BROWN (DOLPHINS) | DUI | 25
CHRIS CHELIOS (CHICAGO WOLVES) | DUI | 25
REY MAUALUGA (BENGALS) | driving drunk en route to teenie ménage a trois | 25
JEREMIAH MASOLI AND GARRETT EMBRY (OREGON) | boosting laptops | 20
GUY MORRISS (TEXAS A&M COMMERCE) | suppressing First Amendment | 19
SHAUN ROGERS (BROWNS) | putting loaded .45 on airport metal detector | 19
RYAN LEAF (EX-CHARGERS) | being the worst quarterback of all time, stealing hydrocodone | 17
TERRY GLENN (EX-PATRIOTS) | blew off rental-car bill | 9
CHARLES ROGERS (EX-LIONS) | violated court order by passing out drunk in a plate of Mexican food | 8
COREY STOKES (VILLANOVA) | peeing between cars | 0.43

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