Just because you puked a lung on New Year's Eve doesn't mean you can't plan another five-alarm rager this month. George Walker Bush is vacating the Oval Office and President-elect Barack Obama is moving in, to face the futile mission of trying to reassemble Humpty Dumpty. With any luck, this kind of watershed moment happens only once, so no matter your political perspective — whether you're making a collage of recent Nation covers as you wave goodbye to Bush and welcome the first potentially post-baloney president, or if you're a stubborn right-winger tearfully gripping your soon-to-be-commandeered trust fund — there are plenty of reasons to fill your hot tub with Asti, your bong with newly decriminalized marijuana, and to call in nauseous on January 20, Obama's first day. Here go our party tips — blue for Democrats and red for Republicans.
INVITATIONS
FOR DEMOCRATS AND INDEPENDENTS It's time to round up all your fellow elated Obamaniacs. But since they'll be invited to at least a dozen such parties (particularly if they live in Cambridge, Jamaica Plain, or Somerville), you need to bring heat with the invitation. For an arresting visual guaranteed to attract liberal hordes, we recommend using Photoshop to recreate a great moment in American history: a picture of W. holding a rolled-up Benjamin over a coke mirror with the following caption: "Remember the first bill that Bush ever passed?"
FOR REPUBLICANS AND BIGOTS It won't be easy to lure depressed neo-cons who have barely left their homes since November 4. But they need to party, too, so your best shot (since there's not much to celebrate) is to disguise your shindig as a gun-cleaning Armageddon-preparation session. The Doomsday-oriented generally sells with this crowd, so we suggest that the invite reads something like: "Come Ring In the Last Inauguration Day — Ever."
THEME SONGS
"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS," QUEEN Since Obama isn't gloating, the rest of us have a mandate to rub it in. And no song sticks it to a loser quite as well as "We Are the Champions." For good measure, protest Prop 8 while wearing a pair of Freddie Mercury nut chokers.
"CHOCOLATE CITY," GEORGE CLINTON & PARLIAMENT FUNKADELIC George Clinton might not get royalties on his music, but he deserves recognition for this optimistic look at black potential in American politics. (Even if he was wrong about Aretha becoming the first lady.)
"THROW YA GUNZ," ONYX As readers of townhall.com are well aware, President Obama plans to deprive Americans of their Second Amendment rights. Throw 'em while you got 'em.
"FEAR OF A BLACK PLANET," PUBLIC ENEMY Who would have ever thought that hip-hop's most politically aggravated outfit would have written the theme song for the current Republican rebuilding process? Not Chuck D.
PARLOR GAMES
OBAMANAMEGAME Clearly the best part of having a president whose name ends in a pronounced vowel is that we all get to make up cool hybrid words like "Obamania," "Obamanation," and "Obamaminium." How many can you concoct in one vapid news cycle?
