WHAT WOULD JIMMY DO?
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am in a quandary. I met the most beautiful woman the other day and asked her to have a cup of coffee. I was naturally quite nervous so I don't think I came off so well. I also happen to be married and she knows this. She was not sure it would be a good idea, but did not say no and asked my name after I gave her my number. Although I am attracted to her, I don't want to have an affair. That is not fair to anyone. I know I need to decide what I want, but I am afraid I might lose contact with this woman. Help. What do I do?
Seamus
Dear Seamus,
You say that you don't want to have an affair, but you're setting yourself up for one. At present, however, you haven't done anything wrong, behavior-wise. That you are worrying about keeping your options open with this woman you met belies the fact that you don't want to get involved with her. Fortunately, this woman has already revealed good judgment by indicating to you that she is leery about merely having a cup of coffee with you. She knows that you're married and seems to also know what is going on in the reptilian reaches of your mind.
What you do is nothing. She has your phone number. If she calls for the cup of coffee, you could go and tell her that, although you find her very intriguing and attractive, you are married. However, I don't think that this is what you are likely to do.
The problem is that, while your more thoughtful self is telling you not to get involved, your loins are delivering a different message. Dr. Lovemonkey is telling you that this is one of those instances where Little Elvis can not be trusted. The more you listen to Little Elvis, the greater the likelihood of trouble. Even if you don't consciously pursue an affair with this woman, you will have to deal with the guilt of knowing that you seriously considered it. Call it "Jimmy Carter Syndrome," in honor of the infamous 1976 Jimmy Carter Playboy interview in which he admitted that he had "looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times." Do the right thing and fuggedaboutit.
AT ODDS
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend and I are always fighting about something. We have only been together eight months. We talk marriage but can never seem to stay happy for more than three days at a time. I am only 21. Please help.
Miss X
Dear Miss X,
Might the talk of marriage be a bit premature? Couples fight about things, but you have to gauge the quality of the fights. For some people, it is in their nature to be naturally combative. They enjoy arguing and, if there are boundaries, the whole experience can sometimes be exhilarating. The frequency of your fights and the fact that you are concerned indicates to Dr. Lovemonkey that this isn't the case here.
If there is a physical element to these fights, then this is serious and you should immediately break off with this guy. If it is all verbal, then you have to ask yourself about the type of arguing you do. What are the fights about? Is he as upset about the fighting as you are? Are the fights about differing points of view on certain issues or are they of a very personal nature? Is what you say to each other abusive? If they are of a personal and hurtful nature, then you have some deeper problems.
One word for you and your significant other — counseling.
