Ex-connections
I've never been particularly good at remaining friends with former flames, with the notable exception of High School Significant Other. That's because HSSO is cool, normal, and our relationship didn't implode in a messy display of emotional dysfunction; also because that was a decade ago, and because we were each other's firsts and both feel pretty cozy about that. But mostly it's because we've both completely abandoned any desires or hopes of ever again being romantically involved.
As many of us know, that's where most ex-friendships get hung up. "It's . . . very easy to delude yourself into thinking you're cool with things," points out a 27-year-old urban planner, "only to be devastated when he meets someone else and falls in love or something."
That's if you even want to stay friends with an ex. As one petite amigo of mine, let's call her Tiny, says: "My friends are plentiful and amazing — the purpose of having that person in my life was for romantic love and affection — not to go to the movies or the beach or whatever."
But another friend, a Boston writer, has a different perspective. "In part, I stay in touch with them because I loved these people, shared my life with them, and have always railed against the idea that you can have such an important person in your life, and then have them make a total exit," says the 30 year old. "And I feel . . . extremely grateful that these people are still willing to be in touch. A testament to both their ability to forgive me for various wrongs, and to the strength of the foundation of friendship we were able to create and maintain. That said, it's not the whole truth. The truth? I have a very difficult time closing doors. I want them all to always be in love with me."
Indeed, a 28-year-old apple lover calls this the "passive-aggressive, love-me-forever" impulse, characterized by wanting to move on yourself, but hating any idea that the other person might ever be happy without you. Apples blames that tendency for making friendship with an ex "impossible."
Mutual benefits
Which brings me to the subject of benefits — the kind that come with friends, even ex-boyfriends.
Some say that being FWB is equally unfeasible. One person in the non-relationship relationship always wants more, right?
Consider complicated FWB Example A, between Practicalista and her former FWB (though Practicalista hates that term because "it sounded so cheap").
"Even today we have trouble defining it," Plista says of the relationship, in which they saw each other about once a month for years, and considered each other best friends . . . who were sexually attracted to each other. Here's texting evidence, from just a few days ago.
PLISTA Well if someone asks if we were friends with benefits, I don't know what to say because . . . sort of. But we really cared about each other, right?
FWB Right.
PLISTA So what would you call it?
FWB Hell I don't know. What would you call it?
PLISTA I don't know. You were like, "the man in my life."
FWB Oh, man.
PLISTA Hahaha! Okay, but really. If you had to sum it up. With pros and cons. One obvious pro being that I was such a hot piece of ass.
