COURTING DISTANCE
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 28 years old and a few months ago I met a 19-year-old woman at a club. We immediately hit it off. Within the first two weeks we were seeing each other almost on a daily basis. We spent the night together four or five nights a week and she would stop by my work a few times a week for lunch. She would even stop by randomly for an intimate encounter. It almost seemed perfect. Then, almost overnight, she seemed a little more distant, not open or as eager to have sex. I started to feel like she was slipping away. Then one day she called me and I asked if she was telling me everything and if she was maybe backing off or getting involved with someone else. She flipped out. She said that she wasn't going to tell me anything and that she didn't want to see me anymore, that she wasn't ready for a relationship. We have continued as friends, but I still want her back. In the past I have showered her with gifts, given her all my attention, and even lent her money. What else can I do? Is there something I'm missing?
In Love
Dear In Love,
You came on too strong. Showering her with gifts, attention, and money subconsciously gives her the signal that she's already in total control and she got bored with you. Remain friends, but put more distance between the two of you. If you're calling her three times a week, cut that down to once every 10 days. See if she calls you. Go out and have fun with some of your other friends and let her know that you are not dependent on her affection to feel happy. Her interest may or may not be rekindled, but I guarantee you that if you persist in giving her all your attention, she'll continue to lose interest.
PEN PALS
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been corresponding with a man who is incarcerated at the state prison. I would like to continue, but his letters have taken a turn toward the erotic. I feel so badly about this guy's situation, yet I don't want to get involved in a way that would imply I'm romantically interested. What should I do?
Sympathetic but Not Crazy
Dear Sympathetic but Not Crazy,
I really, really hope that this is someone you knew before he was in prison and that your relationship is generally that of "pen pal" (a designation with a double meaning in your case). I'd say that the only way for you to continue corresponding with this person is if you write and explain that you have no romantic interest and that that is an area where you and he will not go. This person might have many good qualities, but the fact remains that the vast majority of people in prison tend to have bad qualities in greater abundance. And there is this — when one is in an extreme situation like confinement or incarceration, one's fantasies naturally become enhanced and much more powerful than those in more conventional circumstances. In other words, the possibility that someone in prison will have a completely different and distorted understanding of the nature of a relationship via correspondence is highly likely. Finally, I would suggest that you should talk to someone who is more familiar with both prisons and psychology than Dr. Lovemonkey. This is an area containing substantial risk and requires specific knowledge and understanding.
