Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
In seeing a woman for a couple of months I’m starting to notice some strange things. First, she doesn’t seem to have many longtime friends. Although she has always lived here, she lacks even a small group of close girlfriends. She spends her time with me, and sometimes my friends, but hasn’t introduced me to anyone with whom she is close. I know she was going out with a guy before me — I don’t know him — and is on very bad terms with him. She seems to still be angry with this guy and has only negative things to say about him. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I find all this unsettling. Is this odd or is it just me?
_Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Your observations are rather useful and may indeed be red flags. It’s prudent to be wary of those who seem incapable of retaining any long-term friendships. Problems in getting along with people are bad signs. The attitude toward her last boyfriend appears to be part of the pattern. What are her relations like with her family? If that also consists of strained relationships, you might reconsider this relationship. On the other hand, perhaps she’s just a bit slow in introducing you to her close friends. But as Randy Newman sings in the theme song for the television show Monk, “I could be wrong now/But I don’t think so.” Give it a bit more time, but retain your option to head for the hills.
Getting nailed
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
There’s this woman at work in whom I’m very interested, except for how she has these incredibly long fingernails. She paints them different colors and they are her most obvious feature. I think she’s interested in me, although I’m married. What would be the best way to approach her about ditching the nails? I’m pretty certain I can get her into the sack, but — and this might sound stupid or shallow — I just wouldn’t want to be seen with someone with such flamboyant nails. Got any ideas?
_Ready for Action
Dear Ready,
You are quite accurate in your initial self-analysis of being a stupid and shallow person, the essence of which is your scheming to get a co-worker “in the sack” while you are married. The cavalier way in which you toss out that, oh, yeah, you’re married, and you don’t see this as an impediment to having your way with another person, is stupid and offensive.
It’s also revealing that her fingernails are your sole concern. Are you sure the flamboyant fingernails are not the actual attraction? Perhaps upon seeing the nails you thought, “Aha, weird fingernails equals loose woman. I think that I can convince her to have sex with me.” Your wife is no doubt someone with a much more highly developed aesthetic taste. Unfortunately, she is guilty of one unfortunate faux pas: having married a dickhead. My desire is that you get your moronic wish with a roll in the hay. At this time, your co-worker will use her heroic fingernails (in a not-too-subtle allusion to the classic short story, In the Penal Colony, by Franz Kafka) and scratch the name of your crime into your back. Upon reading Ms. Fingernails’ coded message, your wife will then kick your worthless ass out of the house.
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Dr. Lovemonkey: rudycheeks@prodigy.net.
