Headlines following the 10-strikeout win earned by Daisuke Matsuzaka, a/k/a Dice-K, on April 5, his first victory pitching for the Red Sox:
Dice-KKKKKKKKKK (Boston Globe)
Dice-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K (Boston Herald)
Dice-KKKKKKKKKK Mania! (Lowell Sun)
Headline writers of Boston, let’s make this easy. There are a) a finite range of things that can happen to Matsuzaka this year, on or off the field, and b) a limited number of lame puns that can be crafted on the basis of these happenings. In the future, instead of agonizing over which headline to use — only to have the same thing appear in every other paper — simply choose from the following:
Cold as Dice: after three or more consecutive losses
Dice in his veins: after eking out a close win, preferably over the Yankees
The Diceman cometh: best for pre–All Star game write-up; if Matsuzaka doesn’t make AL squad, use as necessary
Dice work if you can get it: if Matsuzaka gets a hit (preferably several, and/or for extra bases) during interleague play
Dice Dice baby: best for breathless treatment of “Dice-K mania”; can also be used when there’s a story but no real news
Dice cube: also good for stories without news; variation: Matsuzaka and Ice Cube photographed together
Special K: for puff piece on Matsuzaka’s first season and/or adjustment to Boston
Roll of the Dice: Matsuzaka comes back from unspecified injury. Is it too soon?
Dice princess: Reserved for negative “Inside Track” coverage of Tomoyo Shibata (variation: “Dice queen”)
Dice saw the light: Matsuzaka has vision problems, is examined by optometrist
Dice saw the sign: Matsuzaka gets pickoff prompt from Varitek, executes
Dice sculpture: Someone, somewhere crafts a Matsuzaka bust or figurine
Dice age: Matsuzaka pitches well, becomes Sox’ top starter
Dice box: Matsuzaka struggles with MLB strike zone; variation: Matsuzaka gets strike calls other pitchers don’t
Black Dice: Matsuzaka is depressed, complains, and becomes negative clubhouse influence
Fried Dice: Matsuzaka is physically/emotionally exhausted, goes on DL (WARNING: may be seen as inappropriate)
Dice pick: Matsuzaka plugs teammate for All Star/MVP/Gold Glove; variation: Matsuzaka lobbies for trade or free-agent signing
The Postman always dings Dice: Ex-mailman cracks MLB line-up, takes Matsuzaka deep on multiple occasions
Dice guys finish last: Matsuzaka finishes last among Cy Young vote-getters
Dice guys finish first: Matsuzaka finishes first among said group
Put it on Dice: at season’s end, team’s success/failure attributed primarily to Matsuzaka
