Horny guy
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am 16 and a gothic Satanist. My girlfriend is from a Christian family. I’m going to meet her family soon and would really like to make a good and positive impression. I think that if they don’t like me it will make our relationship even harder. Do you have any suggestions?
_666
Dear 666,
This does not look like a very reasonable scenario for you. Gothic Satanists and Christians are usually not a formula for success, because one’s beliefs, spiritually and in terms of values, really matter. It would seem that you have very little in common with your young lady friend on this (very important) issue. Her parents may pick up on this anomaly and are likely to dissuade their daughter from seeing you. All you can do is be your friendly, charming and delightful gothic Satanist self and hope for the best. If you dressed in patch madras golfing togs, this might impress them.
Plastered
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A couple of weeks ago, I attended the wedding of a roommate, and to put it bluntly, I got “faced” at the reception. Apparently, I engaged in some rather foolish and loopy behavior. My mate ended up taking me home early and gently informing me that I was seriously in my cups at the event. Should I apologize to family members, or would this end up drawing more attention to my unfortunate behavior?
_Embarrassed to Tears
Dear Embarrassed,
The Doctor suggests a low key approach. Perhaps you could send a modest arrangement of flowers to the wedding couple with a card telling them what a wonderful time you had — maybe too wonderful — and that you apologize for letting the piss juice . . . whoops, I mean champagne . . . that you were swilling . . . er, I mean sipping . . . go to your head.
Big bopper
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I always feel hungry, and subsequently, I’m eating all the time. There is a marked tendency in my family toward being overweight, and I fear that I am about to become a regular member of the club. What should I do? I’d love to be able to look like a fit and normal person.
_Blowing Up
Dear Blowing,
You are a bit confused by seeing the sobriquet “Doctor” in front of my name. Let me assure you that I am as much a doctor as you are Nicole Richie. Your problem is shared by tens of millions of Americans. I will give you some incredibly rare and avant-garde advice: eat less and more healthily, and exercise regularly. I know, I know — it’s a shocking and original concept, but Dr. LM hears that it really works.
Send questions and romantic quandaries to rudycheeks@prodigy.net.