A bad move
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been with my girlfriend, Tanya, for three years (off and on). For about the past year or so, she has been eager for us to move in together. Within this past year, I broke up with her and dated someone else for about four months. At some point while I was dating the other girl, Tanya and I became intimate again, despite the fact that I told her I was dating someone else. Eventually Tanya told me that she did not want to see me any longer. The thought of losing her friendship alone was unbearable to me and I pleaded with her to take me back and shortly thereafter she did. Since then we've been together for about seven months, and she has given me a very familiar ultimatum: We either move in together in six months or we are history. I have always been honest with her and I trust her implicitly, but now I have reason to feel guilty. I told her that we would move in together, but I am still not sure if I want to make this commitment, primarily because she has an immature vision of life for a 26-year-old. Am I wrong to mislead her into thinking we will move in together in six months time? I am hopeful that we will "mature" together in the next six months, but that's just a hope.
Cold Feet
Dear Cold Feet,
You don't want to make the commitment to Tanya because you feel that she is too immature at present and you don't necessarily see that as changing. If you really don't think that it's a good idea to move in with her, you have to risk losing her friendship. By leading her to believe that you will move in with her, you are merely delaying the inevitable. You're putting quite a bit of pressure on yourself and the pressure will only build as the weeks and months tick by. Things might change in the future if and when the two of you decide to make a go of it. Moving in together in the next six months would be a mistake.
Don't ask
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This is one of those etiquette questions. A friend and I have been arguing about the appropriateness of inquiring about the whereabouts, health, and welfare of a former boyfriend or girlfriend. I say that it's inappropriate and my friend says that it's perfectly okay because everyone was friends at one time or another, even if relations are currently at a distance or strained. What do you think?
Ms. Wager
Dear Ms. Wager,
Dr. Lovemonkey's advice is to not go there. Find out this information elsewhere. Knowing that a couple has broken up does not necessarily inform you on what terms they have parted. You might bring up painful memories and you might also end up on the receiving end of a tirade that may be highly inaccurate or, at the least, an unbalanced account of the former spouse or lover's situation and include far more than you ever wanted to know. I once ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while who was married to an even older friend. When I asked how "Bill" was doing, I got it with both barrels. Unbeknownst to me, they were going through a bitter separation (there was a child involved) and I was not only sorry that I had brought up such a painful subject, but I felt great embarrassment and shame. If the other person wants to bring this up it's okay, but it's a very bad idea to introduce the subject of a former love.
