BUTTS OUT
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend and I recently moved into the first floor of a two-family house. Because we both like to hang out at home a lot and are planning on getting a puppy in a couple of weeks, we eagerly cleaned up the backyard, which was in a very bad state; lots of beer cans, trash, high weeds, and gutters clogged with cigarette butts. We ended up with a dozen big plastic bags full of waste, from a very small yard. About a week after this cleanup, before we'd had a chance to plant anything, we discovered that the backyard was being desecrated again, mostly with cigarette butts. Our upstairs neighbors have a porch that overlooks the yard, and it seems that they throw the butts over the edge. I'm thinking about going upstairs and giving them an ashtray, but my boyfriend thinks that might be seen as too aggressive. What's the best way to handle this?
Tired of the Butts
Dear Tired,
These seem to be "the world is my ashtray" subset of smokers. Your idea to give them an ashtray will surely be interpreted as a hostile gesture. You could go up there with some other sort of small non-threatening sort of gift and say you've been meaning to introduce yourselves. Then, at the end of the introduction, mention that you hope they enjoy the new look of the backyard, explain you're planning to do some landscaping, and you wonder if they could dispose of their cigarette butts elsewhere. This will probably still piss them off, but it is probably the least confrontational way of delivering the message, and it is a message you need to deliver.
PUTT PUTT
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My husband and I live only about three miles from where I work and, for economical reasons, I'd like to buy a Vespa scooter for the commute. My husband is convinced that riding a scooter anywhere in our town is nothing short of suicide; a friend of his died in a motorcycle accident when he was younger. (The fact that his friend had just consumed a six-pack before the accident apparently doesn't play into his thinking about this tragedy.) He is obsessed with motorcycle/motor bike accidents and will go so far as to show me accidents on YouTube. I'm not talking about riding at night or on the four-lane roads or interstates, just back and forth to work. My husband's thought is that we can buy scooters after we are retired and living at the beach because he'll be able to ride with me. But since that's about 30 years away (and we don't have a beach house), I think that my life is being controlled by his (largely irrational) fear. Am I wrong about this?
Scooter Lover
Dear Scooter Lover,
Despite the fact that your husband's objections seem to be over-the-top to you, that he is so concerned for your safety is rather thoughtful on his part. Waiting for 30 years is, of course, ridiculous. If you are serious about the only-during-the-day/back-and-forth-to-work/staying-off-big-highways part of your pitch, it seems more than reasonable to Dr. Lovemonkey.
BUTT OUT
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
