Mom breaks bended kneecaps, and other drama

Engagements, break-up motives fly under the radar

Dr Love Monkey

Re-Meat the Feebles

WHAT’S THE QUESTION?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a truck driver from Utica, New York, working out of Rhode Island. Each week my friend and I get the biggest kick out of your column. Here’s my problem. My friend is a woman that I have known for years and it seems that in the past few months I’ve re-meat [sic] her. She comes from a very strict family who knows where she is 24-7 and never gets to do everything (I need not go on). I’m good friends with her parents and they are not into this relationship at all. I don’t want to lie about everything going on with us. She’s outstanding in every way. She has a full ride to a school in Pennsylvania, a great opportunity. For someone from a small town that hasn’t seen much, I think it would be unfair for me to ask her to go to a school near here. She’s the type of person that tells me to shut up and gives me a kick in the ass when I need it. I always thought seeing your unborn child in a woman’s eyes was crazy, but let me tell you it’s true. Well, I guess I’ll start learning to like Amish foods.

--Deer Hunter

Dear Deer Hunter,
I searched and searched but could not find an actual question in your letter. However, I now know far more about you than is necessary and would strongly encourage you to spend more time in Utica.

SEEK HELP. NOW!

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been engaging in online fantasy discussions for some time now that have to do with sexual activities with pre-teen girls (nine-, 10-, 11-year-olds). I don’t have any children nor do I spend time with any, but I have created this fantasy where the girl is my stepdaughter (I don’t have a stepdaughter either).

I have never acted on anything like this and it is all in the realm of fantasy, but I must tell you that I am very excited by these fantasies. Do you think that there is anything wrong with this?

--A Fantasizer

Dear Fantasizer,
Indeed I do. An adult who has lustful feeling for children (and cut out the “pre-teen” label here . . . nine-, 10-, and 11-year-old girls are children) needs help. I implore you to seek counseling. You may not have acted on these fantasies yet, but that could be coming. Dr. Lovemonkey is not a professional in these matters, so I beg of you to schedule meetings with a real-life therapist. Your desires are unhealthy and dangerous.

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DID YOU MEAN TO SEND THIS TO MISS MANNERS?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My wife and I go to a fish and chips place on a regular basis. We really like their food but we find it rather annoying that they serve it on paper plates with plastic knives and forks. We were wondering if it was okay to bring our own flatware into the place?

--Concerned Eater

Dear Concerned,
Be thankful that they don’t serve the fish and chips in traditional English-style by wrapping it in newspaper. Bringing your own flatware is not, to Dr. Lovemonkey’s way of thinking, a bad idea. Eating with plastic cutlery is, indeed, an affront. The other suggestion would be to order your fish and chips as take-out and eat it at home where you have the proper tools.

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