LET IT GO
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend broke up with me almost six months ago and, while I’m pretty much over that, there is one nagging part of it that continues to bother me. When he left, he just left, with no ex-planation or reason. After about a month, I asked him to explain himself a bit, but he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). A little later on, it became apparent to me that he had started up a relationship with someone else a few weeks after leaving me. When I asked him if that had anything to do with his leaving, he claimed that there was no relationship between his involvement with someone else and his splitting up with me. Even though, at this point, I have gotten to where I feel glad that we are not together anymore because there were other problems (that I don’t want to get into here), I am still upset about the fact that he will not acknowledge that this other woman had something to his leaving. Or maybe I’m wrong about that, but I don’t think so. I don’t want to be driving myself crazy about this any more, but it still bothers me. Any suggestions on what I can do?
--Bewildered
Dear Bewildered,
You are probably right about your suspicions if, after only a few weeks, he became involved with someone else. I am assuming that he had known this other woman for a while. The fact that he denies it could be because he is in a sort of denial himself. Despite the fact that this other woman was in the back of his mind for some time, because he didn’t overtly act on it while he was with you, he refuses to make a connection in his mind. Of course, he is only fooling himself there. What he has done is quite thoughtless. People need explanations and he won’t give you one because he wants to appear to be blameless. Move on and know that you’re better off.
TELL MAMA
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I’ve been going out with a woman for almost a year now and we are very much in love. I proposed to her over a month ago and she has accepted. The problem is that she hasn’t told her mother yet. Everything is cool with my parents and we’ve actually been planning stuff for the wedding with them, but she’s afraid to tell her mother because, first of all, her mother has never been very supportive of our relationship. I think that the main reason for that is that she (the mother) is a single parent and Sarah is her only child. They’re really close and I think that the idea of her losing her daughter is really scary. Is there anything that I can say or do to get Sarah to tell her mother about this?
--D.T.
Dear D.T.,
I’d be interested in knowing how old you two are. The fact that your girlfriend is reluctant to confront her mother about this leads me to wonder if you might be rather young. And, regardless of age, the fact is that if you are embarking on a married life, there will be many, many situations in which you will have to discuss important and difficult issues that will not be all happiness and light. You might actually want to slow down the wedding plans for a while and talk very seriously with her about the particular things that con-cern you about her inability to deal directly with her mother. As far as your feeling that Mom fears that she’ll be losing her daughter, I think that you can at least try to assure her that this is not the case. Sarah should be very insistent in assuring her mother that this is not going to damage or in any way be a negative for their relationship with each other, that it just expands the family. You know, “not losing a daughter but gaining a son.” Good luck and really encourage Sarah to start talking to Mom immediately.
