Phillipe And Jorge

And the beat goes on

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:53:54 GMT

Hillary Clinton proves the Rasputin of primary politics
All Phillipe + Jorge can say after Tuesday’s presidential primary is that we are overjoyed the Patriots resigned Randy Moss.

All Phillipe + Jorge can say after Tuesday’s presidential primary is that we are overjoyed the Patriots resigned Randy Moss.

Beyond that, it is obvious that Clintonistas were heavily entrenched in Little Rhody, thanks in part to Billary’s past appearances here, dating back over a decade, when Hillary plumped for her increasingly galling husband.

The bright taken-away this week, as we have seen across the country, is how more people are energized to get out and vote. We credit this to the hope and interest brought to the scene by Barack Obama, who has roused dormant voters, whether they support him or not.

P+J are also pleased to see that Obama, our candidate of choice, lost little in his lead in pledged delegates. Our fear remains, however, that the desperate and ruthless Clintons will find a way to game the voting, buying off the superdelegates, questionably seating the Florida and Michigan delegations, or both. If so, kiss the future of the Democratic Party goodbye. Today’s ’utes are bright enough to know a hummer when they see one.

The Biggest Little cocktail party
The annual rite known as the Providence Newspaper Guild Follies was held last Friday evening, at the Venus de Milo in Swansea, Massachusetts, and the highlight, not surprisingly, was politics, politics, politics.

There is always a lot of political content at the Follies, since the occasion is used to tweak the state’s movers and shakers with skits and song parodies. This year, on the cusp of the biggest presidential primary in decades, there was a real buzz in the air. Escorted by a beaming Sheldon White¬house, a few Secret Service agents, and communications guru Christine Heenan, the very impressive Chelsea Clinton popped up to work the room on behalf of her mother. Chelsea kept her cool even while being swarmed by the multitudes.

As usual, the place was loaded with media types and politicos. We commiserated with Bob Weygand, former congressman and LG, on the waning fortunes of the URI basketball team (Bob is the VP of administration at his alma mater). We got in a quick hello to the old pro, former Governor Sundlun, and touched base with our own profile in courage, Linc Chafee, and his fabulous wife Stephanie. A special shout-out goes to Tom Roberts, husband of the lieutenant governor, and always a joy to see.

Early on in the stage festivities, a wildly exuberant John Kerry jumped on stage and fired off some pretty funny one-liners. If this guy had shown up in 2004, he would have cleaned Bush’s clock. But then the junior Senator from Massachusetts made the ill-advised move of pressing the Barack Obama
cause from the stage. Hillary partisans began to hiss and scream “Hillary!” Kerry quickly got the message and exited stage left.

Suffice it to say that the Guild Follies gang, after 35 years, has it down, and with a minimum of ringers (e.g. stand-up warrior Frank O’Donnell, who shared emceeing duties with the BeloJo’s resident wit, Scott MacKay) and lots of strong performances.

Steve Smith (the Journal guy, not the veteran rocker) directed the show, exhibiting his yowling rock chops on a couple of numbers, and there were some nice soulful vocals, courtesy of the Gomes gals, Lorna Jean and Crystal. The legendary Lonnie Love (aka Bob Kerr) made a rare appearance, at one point tweaking your superior correspondents. We thank him because, as Guild Head Ramrod Tim Schick always points out, the depth of ignominy is to not be attacked at the Follies.

A smack to the head

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:26:50 GMT

Pow! Chafee gets McCain right in the kisser
McCain’s pants-ing moment, as he entertained a typical GOP (all-white) AARP rally, was highly entertaining.

John McCain, carrier of Dubya’s war banner, couldn’t have been happy when he learned that his visit to the Biggest Little would be upstaged by Linc Chafee, his former GOP Senate colleague, announcing his support for Barack Obama that very same day. Our former senator-turned-independent, who had the good sense to oppose W’s war agenda, gave his old (and we mean old) pal John a poke in the head, stealing the limelight on the presidential contender’s Vo Dilun glory day.

McCain’s pants-ing moment, as he entertained a typical GOP (all-white) AARP rally, was highly entertaining. We consider him an honorable man, albeit a cranky war proponent and a denizen of another century, and his capitulation to Boy George, from South Carolina to Iraq, remains a mystery. We also have a warning for Mr. Chafee. Vo Dilun GOP party doyenne Eileen “Jurassic Spice” Slocum has freely admitted she owns a Derringer, so keep your eyes peeled when you are on the Newport social circuit.

Silent assassins
If you see someone walking down the street with a knife sticking out of his back, chances are that it’s political operative extraordinaire J.R Pagliari, our good amigo.

J.R., an esteemed veteran player in Little Rhody political circles, was until recently a top Senate aide to the aforementioned Linc Chafee. Last week, an unseen and unexpected hand cashiered J.R. from his post as Governor Carcieri’s deputy chief of staff (further evidence of the deck chairs being rearranged on — pick one — the Titanic/Andrea Doria/Poseidon.)

The move allowed Bev Najari¬an, the former Department of Administration head, to assume Pagliarini’s position. This went down because Najarian faced a Senate confirmation vote for her DoA appointment for which she had slim and no chance of winning, and her nomination was pulled to avoid ensuing embarrassment.

(Not that this pessimism could be related to a previous Senate Government Oversight Committee report on the Carcieri administration’s use of private staffing firms that said, with all the nuance of a hand grenade, “At this time, the committee cannot make a determination as to whether the [administration] incompetence was due to ignorance, or arrogant and willful violation of the law. However, the committee is certain that the public deserves better.” Oh. Now tell us how you feel.

It was also interesting to see Jerome Williams, head of the Department of Transportation, replaced by Michael Lewis, the former project director of Boston’s notorious Big Dig. The DOT, of course, recently spent $500,000 on a PR campaign to avoid the nicknaming of our own “Iway to Hell” as “the Little Dig,” thanks to the agency’s money-gobbling ineptitude.

Finally, John Robitaille was named senior adviser for communications. For now, communications head ramrod Steve Kass is on sick leave. Robitaille, if you don’t know him, was the GOP House candidate in Portsmouth who lost to incumbent “Landslide Amy” Rice by nine votes in 2006.

Meanwhile, J.R., one of the most accessible, trusted, and respected people in the Carcieri administration, gets the heavy-handed chop. That’s OK, big guy, we and many others still love ya.

Mark Weiner for President?

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 22:08:06 GMT

Superdelegates are not so super in a punitive democracy
There has been much hand-wringing recently over whether superdelegates will hijack the Democrats’ presidential-selection process.

There has been much hand-wringing recently over whether superdelegates will hijack the Democrats’ presidential-selection process. In the Rhode Island Democratic Party, we have a number of insiderish old-school-types who long ago committed to Hillary, including party chair Bill Lynch, vice chair and national committeewoman Edna O’Neill Mattson, and most surprisingly (could it be?), Sheldon Whitehouse, for whom Barack Obama came to stump during the former’s 2006 US Senate campaign. Perhaps it’s mere coincidence that Obama and Sherbet Whitebread, in their DC stances and their views on Iraq, match up like a set of long-lost twins.

Also on the Clinton list is Mark Weiner, that old Democratic political operative and friend of Billary, who, P+J imagine, is putting the hard word on people like Bill Lynch and Whitehouse to call in favors and drum up support for Hillary. (Speaking of superdelegates, Phoenix contributor Matt Jerzyk has a nice summation of the process on his Rhode Island’s Future blog at rifuture.org/showDiary.do?diaryId=1212.)

Fortunately, we have seen the Patricks — first US Representa¬tive Kennedy, and then Attorney General Lynch, see the light and come out in support of Obama.

This situation bears watching, because superdelegates can cast their ballot for whomever they wish right up to the national convention. Although the tide seems to be turning in Obama’s favor, let’s keep a close eye on this little group of our own players, so Vo Dilun voters can use their own good sense, rather than being co-opted by the deal-cutting Mark Weiners of the world.

Spalding’s job well done
Your superior correspondents don’t even pretend to be objective concerning Curt Spalding, our friend and former colleague, who last week announced that, after 20 years, he will be leaving his position as executive director of Save the Bay.

His contributions, along with those of his predecessors, John Scanlon and Trudy Coxe, made Save the Bay into a national model of what a grassroots NGO can become when it such an obvious sense of stewardship for its resources and for the wonder that is Narragansett Bay.

Curt guided STB through a transition, from establishing a hold in mainstream business and decision-making circles, to being omnipresent at the table in helping to guide major state and regional policy.

All the accolades that greeted his announcement were well-deserved. On a personal note, P. knew that it would be difficult for Curt to follow in the footsteps of the demure, shy, and low-key Trudy Coxe. But Curt, long the silent manager in the background who kept Save the Bay on an even keel, won us over during his first news conference after Coxe’s departure. He wore argyle socks, as much of a stepping-out fashion statement as we had ever seen him present. From that point on, we knew all would be in good hands.

Congrats and thank you, Captain Spalding.

Hey, we’ve got your budget solution!

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:05:55 GMT

The children of the needy will make a tasty meal
What with all the drama about the enormous budget crunch, Phillipe + Jorge hope to offer our esteemed leaders a very solid solution.

What with all the drama about the enormous budget crunch, Phillipe + Jorge hope to offer our esteemed leaders a very solid solution, supported with excellent financial counseling from our old pal, Swiftie.

It is a melancholy thing to walk through Our Little Towne and elsewhere in the state and then see the streets, the roads, and house doorways crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in dirty T-shirts, backward-turned baseball caps, and baggy pants, importuning every passenger for a handout. They don’t compose a useful voting bloc, so the hell with them.

A very knowing Irishman of our acquaintance assures P+J that a healthy one-year-old child, engorged by grape soda, is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled. We make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

We therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the 120,000 children already counted in the state, 20,000 may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which are more than we allow to sheep, cattle, or swine. And our reason is: these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our current Generation X savages. Therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females.

The remaining 100,000 may, at a year old, be offered in sale to persons of wealth and beneficiaries of enormous tax breaks throughout the state. The mother will be advised to let them suck plentifully in the last month, powering some Dunkin’ Donuts down their throats, so as to render them fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

Just the facts

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 21:34:47 GMT

Linc Chafee exhibits typical candor in his forthcoming book
Phillipe + Jorge wake up frightened by a bizarre new concept in the literary world: a book by a politician that actually tells the truth.

Phillipe + Jorge wake up frightened by a bizarre new concept in the literary world: a book by a politician that actually tells the truth.

P+J refer, of course, to the new tome by Linc Chafee, former US senator and Casa Diablo regular. As we wait for our own copy of Linc’s memoir to arrive in its plain brown wrapper (move over, Ulysses), we refer to our buddy Scottso MacKay’s Urinal report on the book. As Scottso notes, “The most startling revelation: Chafee must be the only senator in US political history who says his defeat was the result of voters acting logically.”

Actually, knowing Linc’s reputation for candor and thoughtfulness in examining every event and issue, we are not at all startled. Anyone who has paid attention to Linc’s career is aware that he usually speaks with little concern about the repercussions. Whether you agree with him or not, he at least had the courage of his convictions, and you knew it wasn’t on behalf of greed, power-mongering, or a personal agenda.

Chafee explains the voters’ logic by pointing to how, with the election of a Democratic senator — the equally estimable and admired Sherbet Whitebread — they were choosing to gain a majority in the Senate, potentially offsetting the insanity and impeachable behavior resident in the White House.

(Unfortunately, due to the actions of poor Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader, who was born without a spine, and far too many gutless Democrat colleagues, the Senate still rolls over for Dubya on every major bill that funds the atrocity in Iraq and the Constitution-defying illegal surveillance of American citizens.)

The now-independent Chafee has made it clear that he is equally disdainful of the Senate’s inexcusable capitulation to the lying neo-cons running the country. We look forward to digging in to Linc’s words of wisdom and remembrances.

As a bonus, P+J offer an “Oh-lee, oh-lee, in come free!” to US Senator Jack Reed. MacKay notes that Linc, in his book, quotes an unnamed, highly regarded fellow senator, speaking off the record about the Dems that caved and swallowed the Dubya/Big Time/Condi Big Lie on Iraq (say hi, Hillary!): “They are afraid the war will be over as fast as Gulf One. Few will die, the oil will flow and gasoline will cost 90 cents a gallon.”

Well, if that doesn’t sound like our own Little Big Man right down to the ground, as he is rumored to be the wise man in question, we would be amazed. C’mon in from the cold, Jack. It will only make us love you more.

A Wire runs through it

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:16:08 GMT

The HBO drama is spot-on in diagnosing newspapers’ woes
Here’s the scenario: Local ownership sells off a mid-market, well-respected and Pulitzer Prize-winning daily newspaper to a huge media conglomerate in a major American city.

OK, here’s the scenario: Local ownership sells off a mid-market, well-respected and Pulitzer Prize-winning daily newspaper to a huge media conglomerate in a major American city. But as readership drops and advertising falls, the media giant offers buyouts to long-time employees at its new acquisition, so they can be replaced in part by a lesser number of newer, less experienced, less-costly reporters. Quality, the amount of real news coverage, and institutional memory naturally suffer, as do morale. Sound familiar?

Yep, this is one of the dramatic focal points of the current season of The Wire, the highly acclaimed HBO series heavily grounded in the reality of urban dynamics in Baltimore.

Oh, you thought it was here in Providence, and that the newspaper in question was the Providence Journal? Well, boys and girls, that is right on as well, but with no need for artistic license.

The Sun, the semi-fictional Baltimore paper (as presented in the show), lent its name to the program, and the execs there must be thinking better of that by now. Owned by the Tribune Company, with its flagship Chicago Tribune and the Los Angeles Times also in its fold, the real-world Sun is living out The Wire’s script.

And as readers of the Cool, Cool World and the Prov Phoenix know only too well (since the Urinal will not report the news of its own cutting back), the Other Paper could have easily been the model.

Post-script: The top editor of the LA Times just got cashiered for failing to carry out Tribune’s edict for making newsroom budget cuts. The New York Times reports that this is “the fourth time in less than three years the highest-ranking editor or the publisher has left for that reason.”

Taking Billary seriously — not
Bill Clinton, as we all know, is a congenital liar, along with his truth-challenged wife, Hillary, and neither should ever be taken at face value when they speak. “I was against the Iraq War.” (A twin triumph in prevarication, that one.) “I didn’t inhale.” “I never had sex with that woman.” “I did nothing wrong with Whitewater.”

So take it with a salt lick when Bubba starts wrongly impugning Barack Obama’s record and his hopes for America. As Don Imus allowed recently on his radio show, there is nothing to which Billary won’t stoop to get elected, including poisoning a municipal water supply.

But while some (including many high-level Democrats in Rhode Island) still pine for the former president, let’s just ask a simple question about the man now doing his wife’s dirty work: “Would you invite to dinner a man who used his station to get BJs in his office from a young female employee — who was not far from the age of his daughter — and who, in addition, stuck a cigar in her nether regions?” Sure, sit down and dig in. You can take the place next to our Mary, who is going to college now. Right.

Stay above the fray, Big O. All this shall pass.

Jockular plus

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 19:07:14 GMT

New England is the home of past and future champions
Phillipe + Jorge have been absolutely giddy, as we have gone crazy about the World Series’ success of the Olde Towne Team.

Phillipe + Jorge have been absolutely giddy, as we have gone crazy about the World Series’ success of the Olde Towne Team. We are also keeping an eye on the amazing Patriots as they horsewhip opposing teams to within an inch of their lives on the steps of their national men’s club, the NFL.

In the midst of this ongoing local celebration of the Sweaty Sciences, here are a few notable observations of those who inhabit Jockworld:

• Fox’s pre- and post-game coverage of the Fall Classic was absolutely horrendous. Jeanne Zelasko, the frantic, blabbering hostess, was essentially unwatchable and unlistenable. Bringing on Eric Byrnes, the Arizona Diamondbacks’ hyperactive and childish poster boy, who looked like a junior high school kid with his shirttail out while he yammered on-camera, was intolerable. Word to this self-absorbed athlete: grow up and shut up. A special message to the jocks and sportswriters who want to sound like they have actually wrangled a GED: using contorted, puffed-up, faux intellectual phrases, like “bat-to-ball skills,” “pitch to contact,” and swing-and-miss-ability,” merely exaggerate how you are an idiot. You’re welcome.

• The quote of the World Series had to come from its MVP, Mike Lowell, the Red Sox’ regular season most valuable player to boot. His superb fielding and clutch hitting made him a deserving winner, but his heads-up base running was an added joy for baseball purists. Asked about his suddenly exposed ability to take chances and snatch an extra base in key situations, Lowell had a great explanation: “You always look faster if you’re safe.”

• It’s such sad news about the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez, presumptive American League MVP, opting out of his multi-gajillion contract with the Evil Empire to go on the free market. P+J say there’s no chance the BoSox will sign A-Hole, because he is a locker room nightmare, and it is unlikely the Yanks will take him back, so he may be left wandering the wilderness looking for a new team. A-Fraud’s chance of turning whatever desperate franchise he lands with into a World Series champ is slim, given his record of putting on the iron suit when the pressure goes up. To paraphrase Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, “No rings for you!”

• Speaking of no rings, the only accessory that should be given to purported reliever Eric Gagne, the BoSox’ official albatross, is a cigar band. Although he did pitch one scoreless inning at the end of the first WS game blowout — an appearance which nonetheless instilled fear in the hearts of Red Sox Nation — Mr. Gag-me was a nightmare acquisition for the team. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Eric.

Our Sgt. Schultz society

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 16:53:17 GMT

Know-nothing nation sleepwalks well into the future
“I know noz-ZINK!” That was the catchphrase of John Banner’s character, the Nazi prison guard Sergeant Schultz.

“I know noz-ZINK!” That was the catchphrase of John Banner’s character, the Nazi prison guard Sergeant Schultz, in the immortal TV comedy Hogan’s Heroes, a mind-boggling — and extremely popular — breakthrough series. It showed how humor can be pried from even the (fictional) setting of a World War II POW camp.

What is not so funny is that America has become a society of Sgt. Schultzes, refusing to acknowledge the lies, atrocities, unnecessary loss of life, and the distortion of the justice system and the Constitution that have been foisted upon us by the draft-dodging drugstore cowboy, Dubya Bush.

All this has happened as the American public has tacitly said, “We know noz-ZINK!” We have become the new version of the “Good Germans,” who declared no knowledge of their country’s war crimes — an idea recently floated by New York Times columnist Frank Rich.

Our claims of ignorance are as bullshit as Sgt. Schultz’s regular protestations to his credulous Kommandant Klink.

YOU KNOW that Dubya, “Big Time” Cheney, Rummy, Queen Lotsateetha, and the neo-con chicken hawks lied to us to justify the Iraq invasion. YOU KNOW how we have tortured people and expedited their torture in countries that don’t pretend to have the supposed conscience of America.

YOU KNOW we have pried illegally into the lives of innocent Americans, while twisting the Constitution into knots to justify it. YOU KNOW Congress and the mass media are complicit for not having the guts to offer better information about all this, not to mention the drumbeat of war with Iran. You have likely been just like Sergeant Schultz, and gone back to work every day, talking about what Britney and the Red Sox did last night, pretending the kid from the next town over didn’t get killed or have one of his limbs blown off for a lie.

The true lovers of this country realize that the Founding Fathers were men of open minds and free thought, and that they demanded the protection of these values. They had the guts, intelligence, and pioneering spirit to try new ideas and to fight for just causes that would help their fellow citizens.

Now, we have the radical, religious reactionaries — our very own Taliban — who thrive on restricting freedom of speech, who trample on human rights, and who attack any concepts that they do not understand and thus fear. They are stupid and basically traitorous, cowards with a sadistic streak. The inhabitants of Bushworld, meanwhile, have given free rein to our silent Sergeant Schultz society.

Gute nacht, Amerika.

Linc sets himself free

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 19:25:10 GMT

Disaffiliation puts the independent where he belongs
We offer our kudos and congrats to former senator Linc Chafee.

We offer our kudos and congrats to former senator Linc Chafee, one of the finest gentleman of the political arena that we have known, for finally cutting the cord to the Republican Party.

When Linc was castigated for criticizing President Dubya, his delusional and deadly administration, and the GOP Neanderthals in the US Congress, Chafee pointed out that his opposition to Republican positions and those of its drugstore cowboy leader came because the party had left him.

Now it is official, with his having registered as unaffiliated, which has always been P+J’s designation of choice. Anyone who continues to pull (or ink) a straight ticket ballot for either major party probably thinks the voting boot should also include a commode, and is baffled by its absence.

Never mind being associated with a political organization here in the Biggest Little that is associated with the likes of the frothing “author,” Steve “Laugh At Me” Laffey, and which is headed by the doyenne of the Vo Dilun GOP, the derringer-packing Eileen “Jurassic Spice” Slocum.

So a grateful tip of the hat, and our ongoing respect and admiration to that old horseshoeing wallah, Linc.

It is evident to P&J that Chafee stayed at the GOP party as long as he did in deference and allegiance to his father, a giant among men and someone would be aghast at many of Dubya the Dumb’s machinations to weaken our country at home and around the world.

Linc Chafee served us very well for many years, and his decision reveals the intelligence, thoughtfulness, and courage that he brought to his various elected roles. We hope he will remain in the public arena, so that Rhode Island will continue to benefit from his special type of leadership.

Birdland by the beach
Jon Campbell, a Casa Diablo regular and accomplished Celtic and what-have-you music star-cum-pyrotechnic genius — he wrote the famous Vo Dilun theme song, “Winnebacome, Winne¬bago” — tells us of a tale of woe recently experienced with his lady at Moonstone Beach. It is in lyric form, of course, “just a mildly exaggerated account” of his travails by the seashore.

Running A (Fowl) of the Law

Now I like September when the tourists are gone
You can head to the beach and be mostly alone
’Twas a grand view of the Is¬land from Moonstone that day
As the cares of the world like the sands blew away

That pesky First Amendment

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 21:52:44 GMT

The feds seek tight restrictions on religious readings in prison¬
It’s going to be really tough topping the Bush Administration’s efforts to trash the US Constitution.

While we have no doubt that there are Republicans out there willing to give it a shot, it’s going to be really tough topping the Bush Administration’s efforts to trash the US Constitution.

The Bushies have been suspending and distorting civil liberties and disgusting the world with their “defining torture down” tactics and their total disdain for international law. It becomes tiresome even just to list the insults, but here’s a good one — from a front-page story in Monday’s New York Times — that is just one more brick in the wall.

The US Bureau of Prisons recently directed prison chaplains to remove tens of thousands of volumes, books, tapes, CDs, videos, etc., collected over the decades (many were bought or donated by churches or religious groups), which deal with religion or spirituality.

We’re sure you’ve already figured out the “justification.” Why, it’s 9/11, the justification for everything even (especially) when it doesn’t make sense. To keep prisons from being more likely recruiting grounds for militant religious fanatic-types, the Bureau of Prisons is removing all but approximately 150 books for each particular religion. Think about that for a minute.

Rather than removing texts with passages that could perhaps instigate or promote violence, the Bureau of Prisons has decided to impose a blanket fatwa against all but a few religious texts.

Like most matters having to do with civil liberties, it’s very difficult and tiresome to make a specific argument about a specific thing. Instead, the BOP is saying, “Let’s just ban everything.” How many tens of thousands of books of a religious nature do you think there are? The BOP wants to pick a few that “they” think are okay. And who, is “they”?

Who knows? The Bureau of Prisons says only that it “relied on experts” to supply the names of the acceptable books, but as the Times’ article helpfully pointed out, “the identities of the bureau’s experts [have] not been made public.”

This is yet another typical story from the Land of Bush — where up is down, wrong is right, torture is not torture, and the First Amendment is just another pesky obstacle to be swept under the rug.

Let them eat car

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 19:56:32 GMT

Poor kids lose child-care while legislative leaders ride in comfort
It might be not just ostentatious, but very insulting and irresponsible, for the state to pay for two new SUVs.

The lovely ladies at the Urinal’s “Political Scene” column, Kathy “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” Gregg and Elizabeth Gudrais, make a very sharp point in their column earlier this week. They ask whether it might be not just ostentatious, but very insulting and irresponsible, for the state to pay for two new SUVs (cost: $1636 per month), so that House Speaker Bill Murphy and Senate President Joe Montalbano have access to comfortable rides, while “thousands of young people are being tossed off state-subsidized child care or removed from the Department of Children, Youth and Families to save money.”

It should be noted that the vehicles in question are spanking, brandy new four-door Ford Explorers of the “Eddie Bauer” line (using an environmentally friendly 15-21 miles per gallon). This is at the high end of the Explorer line, since, of course, our legislative leaders need all the accompanying bells and whistles to which Messrs. Murphy and Montalbano want to be accustomed. What is the obvious message to the kids who got the boot from desperately needed social services? “Fuck off, you don’t vote.”

This is just another unfortunate example in The Biggest Little of politicians who are not just greedy, but absolutely tone deaf when it comes to the real needs of the public, and of what issues should ring most loudly and clearly for any member of the General Assembly, never mind its leadership.

Appearances and perceptions are indeed everything, and if our august friends of West Warwick, really wanted to promote the common weal, they would be driving their own cars to work. Instead, our boys are farting on leather seats. Nice.

Call me irresponsible
Phillipe + Jorge’s longtime buddy, the lovely Pogey Princess, became dumbfounded (or began laughing hysterically, your choice) when she encountered the following instructions at a local Bank of America drive-thru ATM:

“To request Braille or audio ATM instructions, call . . . ”

OK, let’s back this bad boy up for some serious examination and application of logic. While we appreciate the effort to ease the use of the ATM for our unsighted friends (disclosure: Jorge is the director of radio for In-Sight, a nonprofit that serves blind and visually impaired Rhode Islanders, and he had no hand in crafting this particular item), how many blind people are behind the wheel of a car that will pull into that ATM?

And shouldn’t we be told, at least as a basic forewarning, to be extra alert when out on the highway? (At least they aren’t bothered when some typical Vo Dilun driver fails to use his turn signal.)

Then we have the extremely original concept of a person who cannot hear making a phone call to receive instructions. How do the Bank of America operators spend their days? Shouting “Who is this?” with no reply, or “Can you hear me now?” ad infinitum into their phones? Reach out and scream at someone, indeed.

No wonder Bank of America is fleecing us at their ATMs by charging a fee for non-BoA members. It must be needed for those hefty salaries they pay the geniuses who came up with this signage.

Same as the old boss

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 21:54:36 GMT

Congressional Dems were supposed to get us out of this war
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid? What a joke. Meet the new boss . . .

Richard Walton, Phillipe + Jorge’s favorite lefty in the bullpen, throws us an article from the August 27 issue of the Nation, Alexander Cockburn’s “Beat the Devil” column, titled, “How the Democrats Blew It in Only Eight Months.” (Cockburn is what P&J call one of our “long-duration personal saviors,” with apologies to the Church of the SubGenius. Nearly three decades ago, his late, lamented “Press Clips” column in the Village Voice was one of the inspirations for the Cool, Cool World.)

Cockburn hits the nail on the head when he hammers the Congress-controlling Democrats, who have deservedly seen their institutional approval rating slump into the teens. Why? Because they all shouted out their virtues on the promise of ending this obscene Iraq war, and have done shit about it since taking the reins. The war has escalated on their watch, they have approved military budget increases (although our forces are still under-armed and under-protected), and they have allowed the authorization of warrant-less wiretaps.

Cockburn also points out how this lily-livered bunch has been silently bending over to Dubya the Dumb’s demands, while flapping their arms and gums over the disgraced, jumped-up Bush butt-boy and torture enthusiast Alberto “VO5” Gonzales. This has directed attention away from major problems — like an unraveled foreign policy, the abortion that is (still) the Katrina aftermath, and a totally broken health-care system.

P&J join Cockburn in his opinion that there is no excuse for this. Who among the Dems (besides Russ Feingold) has the balls to demand an immediate pullout?

All they are doing now (besides ignoring the US troop death toll, which is pushing 4000, with no end in sight), is trying to figure out if Georgie Boy may have had a point in comparing Iraq with Vietnam.

This claim is so preposterous, delusional, and off the charts of truth and history that it should not have hit the public eye without prompting media suggestions that Boy George is completely insane and a danger in his present office. But, of course, the bulk of the Fourth Estate — except for those with cojones, such as Cockburn — is just as enabling as our all-sizzle-and-no-steak Democratic milquetoasts.

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid? What a joke. Meet the new boss . . .

Tumult at the Town Beach

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 21:00:24 GMT

Superior denizen bites back after metaphoric sand-kicking
An interesting brouhaha involving a bit of homophobia has emerged in Narragansett.

An interesting brouhaha involving a bit of homophobia has emerged in Narragansett, where Steven Storti, formerly manager at the famed Town Beach, is accusing municipal officials of firing him by falsely claiming that he sexually harassing other workers and then demeaning him for being “kwee-aah.” You know — a nancy-boy!

According to the Narragansett Times, this led Storti to allege that one of the those named in the suit, Narragansett Parks and Recreation Director Barry Fontaine, allowed town beach employees to create and sing over town equipment “sexually explicit, hateful, homophobic and outrageous lyrics” that characterized Storti as a “faggot” who was sexually interested in “big butts and boys.”

These ever-so-clever lyrics make a fine addition to Storti’s suit, especially since, according to the Times, they were heard by employees, beach patrons, and the public.

According to the Times, town officials also accused Storti of stealing money collected for the beach, a charge that the local gendarmes have been unable to validate. In the case of the sexually related allegations and the purported theft, Storti asserts that officials knew them to be false, hence the backing away by the police.

It will be very interesting to see just how the town reacts to these charges. They likely did not suspect that this “faggot” just happens to have had a 21-year career as a Cranston firefighter, retiring as a lieutenant, and just might know quite a bit about how town government and public servants should behave. Oops. Stay tuned.

Hot time in Old Bedlam
Au courant readers may be aware that Casa Diablo charter guest Bill Flanagan, the one-time NewPaper music writer-turned-MTV executive, has published a new Rhody-set novel, New Bedlam, which is a send-up of the TV industry.

Our old friend Bill, currently a New Yawk resident who does regular music commentary pieces on CBS NewsSunday Morning, is a Vo Dilun native. He conducts frequent visits to relatives who are still ensconced hereabouts, and he informs us he is house-shopping in the Biggest Little. New Bedlam follows in the footsteps of his previous books, Last of the Moe Haircuts and A&R, a critically acclaimed satire of the recording industry, with which Bill is well acquainted.

P&J, living in a self-centered universe, were glad to see the frequent references to local personalities throughout the book, such as Flanagan’s fictional TV star, Mark Cutler; a construction firm called Clancy and Cianci; and most of all, a comedian named Phillipe Jorge, the origin of whose name about which we couldn’t possibly venture a guess.

Mr. Bill doubled the pleasure by pointing out that the TV promo for which Jorge is called in to dub involves speculation over who slept with who among the castaways on the legendary TV show Gilligan’s Island. Flanagan properly credits Phillipe for originally posing this in what was doubtless a late-night warped intellect rant session at the late, lamented Leo’s.

Much luck with New Bedlam (the supposed Rhode Island pronunciation of the fictional town of New Bethlehem, located between the real South County communities of Jerusalem and Galilee), Bill, and thanks for the mention. Your legend lives on at Oakland Beach.

Law and order in Nawt Prov

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 19:47:44 GMT

Woman’s leg used as a wishbone during IWW protest
Nice work by the carabiniere in Nawt Prov, who broke the leg of a young woman who was taking part in a protest .

Nice work by the carabiniere in Nawt Prov, who broke the leg of a young woman who was taking part in a protest outside Jacky’s Galaxie restaurant on Mineral Spring Avenue on Saturday, August 11.

Members and friends of the Industrial Workers of the World were protesting the eatery’s supposed business relationship with Dragon Land Trading, a New York restaurant supplier, which is accused by the IWW demonstrators of having violated labor laws.

Protester Alexandra Svoboda, 22, underwent surgery for the injury to her leg. The officers who jumped on top of her, Sonny Liston and Brute Force, used it as a wishbone to decide who would get the first atta-boys back at the station after they quelled the leftish uproar.

According to the union organizers, Svoboda “was attacked while she was complying with orders by the NPPD to move towards the sidewalk,” after having been told to get out of the street. The group said in a statement. “Alexandra suffered a broken and dislocated knee and a ruptured vascular artery.” To which they would say in Nawt Prov, “She shoulda oughta seen it comin’ to her. Not for nuthin, but we don’t need some effin’ bimbo blockin’ traffic hee-uh unless she works at Foxy. Dragon Lady this.”

Svoboda faces charges of assaulting an officer, resisting arrest, and obstruction of justice, and if you think she’s going to beat these charges, you might as well also bet on Sam Brownback to become the GOP nominee for president.

As P&J go to press, the labor union has announced it may hold further demonstrations, possibly at the Nawt Prov police station. If so, we urge participants to practice accidentally falling down the concrete steps in the stationhouse a number of times prior to their event.

Local color

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 20:07:55 GMT

Another reminder of why daily newspapers still matter
Local readers and nature lovers were saddened to hear of the passing of Ken Weber last week.

Local readers and nature lovers were saddened to hear of the passing of Ken Weber last week. Weber had been a longtime editor and reporter but, most memorably, he had written essays for the Commentary pages of the Saturday BeloJo on nature, wildlife, and the great outdoors. His columns were cherished by a legion of readers, the extent of which you had probably never imagined until his passing and the many people who commented on the loss.

The fact that this is a death felt personally by so many who did not really know Ken Weber except through his writing reminds one of the intimacy of newspapers. It also reminds us that while we, like most of you (we’ll bet), regularly bemoan the quite obvious deterioration of the once-mighty Other Paper, there are still things that the BeloJo provides that you just won’t find anywhere else. Ken Weber’s writings on nature are exhibit A.

Despite the rollback on so many news fronts (in particular, local city and town coverage, where the Other Paper has become quite regularly trumped by coverage from many smaller regional papers), no one has anything approaching the photojournalism team at the BeloJo. Is there a better reporter/columnist than Bob Kerr? From P&J’s perspective, Kerr is world-class, with depth and empathy (something you rarely see among columnists anymore, certainly not Phillipe & Jorge) and a propensity to expend shoe leather to nail down a story.

There are a number of other things unique to the daily paper that we will miss terribly when they are gone. Sometimes it takes something as sad as the passing of the irreplaceable Ken Weber to remind us of this fact.

Mr. Man Republicans
There’s nothing that your superior correspondents like more than the authentic article. When it comes to Republicans, we like ’em white, male, and so grotesquely macho that they provide the sort of entertainment value that Republicans can be good for. Top of the line for your superior correspondents these days is Tom Tancredo, the US Representative from Colorado who, miraculously, has appeared in public walking on his hind legs as opposed to his natural all-fours gait.

Tommy Boy is running for the GOP presidential nod with a campaign based on warmongering, xenophobia, and your standard muscle-flexing to an extent that makes Dick Cheney look like Linc Chafee. Last Sunday, at the debate between the GOP candidates in Iowa, Tommy Boy stole the show by advocating the bombing of Mecca and Medina as retaliation in the event of another major terrorist attack on American soil.

“If it is up to me, we are going to explain that an attack on this homeland of that nature would be followed by an attack on the holy sites,” Tommy Boy explained. Way to handle things, Tommy Boy! Let’s extend this into the next few decades until the entire earth is in smoky ruin. We’ll bet that Tom’s really big on torture too. Here’s hoping that he adopts the tail end of the famous Vietnam-era Country Joe McDonald ditty, “I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die Rag,” as an un-ironic campaign theme song: “There ain’t no time to wonder why/ Whoopee, we’re all gonna die!”

The Victory Day ‘confusement’

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 20:06:29 GMT

Historical amnesia spreads far and wide
The late, great Professor Longhair used to describe a complicated situation as “the time when all the confusement comes in.”

The late, great Professor Longhair used to describe a complicated situation as “the time when all the confusement comes in.” Every August, in Vo Dilun, we are the only one of 50 states to observe Victory Day, the anniversary of the day when the empire of Japan surrendered and World War II ended.

Because of the way that war ended (with the dropping of atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki), the ensuing debate on the racial implications of bombing an Asian nation, the way in which we commemorate Veterans Day and Memorial Day as official holidays, and a few other minor elements (ain’t it nice to have a holiday in August!), your superior correspondents have always had mixed feelings about Victory Day.

For many years, our good friend Dr. Lloyd Matsumoto, a biology professor at Rhode Island College, has collected data and empirical evidence revealing that xenophobia and racism die hard and that there continue to be abusive incidents involving Asian-Americans on or about Victory Day.

A recent story in the New York Times gives another dimension to this and it continues to annoy P&J. This is the attitude of the Japanese government toward honestly confronting the past. It just hasn’t happened. On Tuesday, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe expressed irritation at a resolution, passed by the US House of Representatives, calling on the Japanese government to “formally acknowledge and apologize” for its wartime coercion of women into sexual slavery.

But the government of Japan continues to have a problem acknowledging the past and telling it as it is. Japanese history books for school children are notoriously inaccurate. The usual way of people who do not want to acknowledge reality is to, as Abe pointed out a few days ago, “The 20th Century was an era in which human rights were violated. I would like to make the 21st Century into an era with no human rights violations.”

Redress of past violations is a necessary part of setting the conditions so that current conditions and efforts improve on the last century’s truly pathetic record. So, “Victory Day” continues to be a dubious holiday, in many respects. Still, P&J can’t get too worked up about trying to put an end to it as long as the Japanese government cannot bring itself to honestly acknowledge that country’s past.

Straight outta Kafka

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 19:44:56 GMT

The Bushies’ enthusiasm for torture is indefensible
We want to get into the shower and not emerge until November 2008.

We all know that the list of bad results emanating from the Bush administration’s poorly conceived and even more poorly executed foreign policy and “War on Terror” is long and growing longer. That these acts that have eroded and badly damaged the heretofore deserved reputation that this country has long enjoyed in many quarters, as a source of freedom and fairness in the world, is truly infuriating (and simultaneously, depressing).

A front page story in Monday’s New York Times touches on one such issue — Guantanamo Bay. When one mentions our military base in Cuba, a number of thoughts come to mind. One is the torture. Torture — not “aggressive interrogation techniques.” Using the bullshit phrase “aggressive interrogation techniques” is, to P&J, a bit like the constant referencing of “the N-word” regarding last week’s Papeet-gate saga. The word is “nigger.” The administration of George W. Bush sanctions torturing human beings in the name of the United States of America, and then says it’s not torture.

Apparently, the belief is that the American public has become so incredibly dumbed-down that it’ll believe up is down, two and two is five, and torture is merely an “aggressive” technique.

More so than torture, one associates Guantanamo with a broad suspension of civil liberties; people being held indefinitely without charge; the presumption of guilt, rather than innocence; paper-thin evidence that cannot be challenged; and detainees being regularly denied access to legal representation. In other words, this is the sort of hell we have come to associate with despotic regimes, totalitarian governments, and the oeuvre of Franz Kafka. And we’re running this show, the liberty-and-justice-for-all gang, the U.S. of A.

William Glaberson, who wrote the piece in the Times, profiles Stephen Abraham, a decorated counterespionage and counterterrorism specialist who served 22 years as a reserve Army intelligence officer (attaining the rank of lieutenant colonel). He is also a lawyer, a self-described political conservative who says he “cried when Richard M. Nixon resigned the presidency.”

As a skilled intelligence officer, Abraham had been posted to Guantanamo and he became so appalled by the Kangaroo Court that is the Paul Wolfowitz-created CSRT (Combatant Status Review Tribunals), he started talking. It would seem that what bothered Mr. Abraham about the process was that there was no process. No need for such frills as corroborating evidence (or any evidence at all, for that matter).

Little Papeet can't jump

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:55:37 GMT

Octogenarian rap enthusiast roils Roger Williams University
L’affaire Papitto is one of those stories so stupid and ridiculous that no one could have made it up.

L’affaire Papitto is one of those stories so stupid and ridiculous that no one could have made it up. Saturday’s front-page BeloJo story indicated that Ralph R. Papitto, who is known (around Casa Diablo, anyway) as “Papeet,” the founder of Nortek and longtime chairman of the board of trustees at Roger Williams University, had been pretty much running the RWU board as a personal fiefdom for years.

Considering how it was comprised of Papeet’s doctor, Papeet’s CPA, Papeet’s successor at Nortek, etc., the board’s juice seemed to flow directly to Papeet.

Under Ralphie, various board by-laws, such as six-year limits on service, and a requirement for at least two alumni board members, were ignored, and a weak committee structure prevailed, for what can be the only reason: so that Papeet could remain in full control.

And what does a real American board of directors do when its chair blurts out something really embarrassing and stupid? Why, run out and hire a PR firm, and then start treading water, no matter how ridiculous the in-house spin!

RWU’s board of directors showed that it knows how the world works. It immediately called the RDW Group and its ace spin-meister, Mike Doyle, to handle matters. While Mike knows his stuff, it’s sort of tough when you’re dealing with a homegrown genius like Papeet.

Papeet decided to have a public phone conversation with John “The Journalist” DePetro, to explain how a racial slur “just slipped out.” DePetro, reportedly, did not roll off his chair in uncontrolled laughter when Papeet explained that he had “never, never, never” previously used the n-word. Going even further into the realm of the surreal, Papeet, an 80-year-old white man, claimed that the first time he heard this “was on television, in rap music or something.”

Sure, that makes perfect sense. A wealthy 80-year-old white guy who lived through the Jim Crow and Civil Rights eras, who undoubtedly hung out with lots of other rich white men (like those he put on the RWU board, which he controlled), never heard the word “nigger” until he chanced upon it while enjoying some rap music on TV, a standard entertainment choice for wealthy white octogenarians.

You must pardon your superior correspondents. We have to go and change our clothes, having just moistened our trousers from laughing at Papeet’s explanation.

Son of a beach

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 20:11:47 GMT

Leave it to state minions to spoil a perfect summer day
The beach at Casa Diablo is closed.

The beach at Casa Diablo is closed.

Reminiscent of Bill Clinton’s Monica defense of “What does ‘is’ mean?”, the folks at the Department of Environmental Management soiled the bed by putting up an electronic message on highway signs on Sunday, July 8, informing motorists heading to South County that beautiful day “Beaches closed.”

Not.

What they really meant was that the parking lots were full, quite a difference from an oil spill, wastewater infusion, or some other event that would prompt emergency measures.

Unfortunately, with DEM director Michael Sullivan out of the country, the explanation was left to his deputy, Larry Mouradjian, who ignited even more flames when he tried to defend the signage during radio interviews the next day. Larry said the “closed” message was designed to help drivers ensnarled on Routes 4, 1, and 1A consider an “alternative activity.” Such as blowing their brains out after having packed the car and headed someplace they could take a dip?

Semantics notwithstanding, P&J have been told that due to the crush of beachgoers, the police in some towns asked that the “Beaches closed” warning be displayed. This was evidently causing traffic hazards, as people waited for cars to depart from the packed state beach lots (and others), and a genuine concern was posed about access, if necessary, for emergency vehicles. This was indeed what is deemed by local pundits a “full Vo Dilun.”

Anybody even vaguely familiar with South County beach traffic knows you have to wait at least an hour to get to your shore side destination, which is why people make sandwiches ahead of time and fill a cooler with beer. (Or smoke a joint and put on Amy Winehouse, our new personal savior, at high volume on the car’s CD player, and make faces at weird people in other cars while she’s singing “Rehab.”) But unnecessarily alarming the public that a Jaws-sized shark has perhaps invaded the coast and bitten someone in half at Scarborough is a bit much, given the quite lively imaginations of the local citizenry.

Hell, just take the back roads, hit the Twin Willows in Narragansett, have a cold one and chill. Phillipe & Jorge are not doctors, nor do we play them on TV, but that’s our prescription.

Chimp Boy hits and runs

PHILLIPE AND JORGE — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:08:51 GMT

Warmonger’s handlers make mockery of 1st Amendment
Gosh, what an honor when Dubya the Chimp Boy finally had the balls to make an appearance in the Biggest Little last week.

Gosh, what an honor when Dubya the Chimp Boy finally had the balls to make an appearance in the Biggest Little last week. Of course, he dodged the great unwashed and was whisked by helicopter from Quonset Point to the Naval War College, where he gave “a speech.” As is the wont of his handlers, who fear that Boy George might break down in tears if anyone criticizes him, the audience was the usual adoring throng of military men and women and foreign military officials, who are obviously told to be on best behavior and to attach their lips to Dubya’s buttocks.

Outside the Navy Gate on Connell Highway, 200 protesters let Georgie the warmonger know that he should get out of Little Rhody ASAP (a sap, indeed), lest we be judged by the company we keep. The TV highlight of the rabble-rouser coverage came when JARhead Larry Estepa was doing a stand-up for the news at five, and with the easily visible sign of a protester behind him: “Bush 9/11 Murdering Scum.” It took the cameraman about 15 seconds to catch on to this background, and he was no doubt alerted when the horrified shriek of Betty-Jo Cugini, WJAR’s lovely news director, could be heard all the way from Channel 10’s Cranston headquarter. The ensuing extreme close-up was so tight on Estepa that we thought his head might pop.

The other charming episode, showing the White House’s fear of any media not in its back pocket (take a bow, Fox News), came when Dubya the Dumb was departing from Quonset after meeting with yet another handpicked audience of National Guard reservists and the like. As described in the Urinal, Channel 12 reporter Jarrod Holbrook called out to the president, obviously trying to ask a question. One member of Bush’s entourage promptly pointed at Holbrook, and when he called out again, he had his press credential ripped off his belt. Holbrook, who was booked for an extended stay at Gitmo, later indicated he had wanted to ask if Bushie he had enjoyed his visit. Oh yes, beware the press.

The capper was how Boy George then flew to Kennebunk¬port, where he was to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Since, as Maureen Dowd said, the Russian leader put the Putin back into Rasputin, this was clearly done so that Poppy could protect Poopy. The Drugstore Cowboy — what a man.

Scooterball
P&J occasionally play the Powerball, in the hope of retiring to Tahiti or some such paradise. And like any good Vo Dilun gamblers, we always look for those “magic numbers” to achieve the virtually impossible. These are normally birthdates, street addresses, Big Papi’s batting average, the number of husbands boned by Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor — you get the idea.

Well, we have zeroed in on our combo for this week, and we’re working on pulling our picks from 28301-016. That happens to be the new federal inmate number of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, veep “Big Time” Cheney’s dirty trickster, who was convicted earlier this year of lying and obstructing an investigation into the leak of a CIA operative’s identity. What would be more satisfying and rewarding than cashing in on the little weasel? Scooter’s hired mouthpieces are trying to keep him out of the can until his appeal can be heard. Go get ’em, Patrick.