(With
apologies to Bill
Brasky.)
Kason
Gabbard is a son of a bitch!
I once saw
Kason Gabbard wave the center fielder off and field a fly ball on the
warning track. Then he ran back in, stepped on second, and threw to first for an unassisted
triple play.
Kason
Gabbard can widen an umpire’s strike zone with the power of his stare.
Sean William Scott paid a Beverly Hills plastic
surgeon $2 million just so he could look a little more like Kason
Gabbard.
Kason Gabbard
sweats Gatorade. And tequila.
He once ate
a catcher’s mitt because he ran out of beef jerky.
His
favorite Neil Diamond song is not “Sweet Caroline,” but “Porcupine Pie.”
Terry
Francona is bald because Kason Gabbard yelled at him one time, causing him to
have a nervous breakdown.
Kason
Gabbard has forgotten more about baseball than Bill James or Peter Gammons will
ever know.
He once
told Dan Shaughnessy that he didn’t really feel like talking to him.
Kason
Gabbard’s the reason we didn’t play the Devil Rays until July. He wanted to
wait until he got a spot in the rotation because he had some “unfinished
business” with ‘em.
He’d rather
be playing softball.
Kason
Gabbard gives Curt Schilling career advice, not the other way around.
And he
gives Julian Tavarez crazy lessons.
He can
reach 103 on the gun, but simply chooses not to.
If you ask
Kason Gabbard for an autograph, he writes “Daisuke Matsuzaka” in Japanese
characters.
His hedge
fund is outpacing John Henry’s by about 70 percent.
Kason
Gabbard once chugged five $6.50 beers between the third and fourth innings,
then came back and fielded 18 ground-ball outs.
He’s
getting tired of pitching and wants to DH next season.
A
twenty-foot-tall, three-ton SOB who uses white ash bats for toothpicks and could
pitch both games of an extra-inning double-header then go home with half the
chicks at Game On!
To KASON
GABBARD!