Monday, July 09, 2007

Sweep. Get swept. So it goes. And so ends the first half.

We shuffle into mid-summer having maintained the best winning percentage in the majors, with a double-digit lead over our closest rivals, and a record that stands at 19 games above .500.

Some momentum would have been nice, of course. And perhaps a lineup that doesn’t hit like nine lead-off men. And the fact that our hot-hitting shortstop is a runner-up for SI’s “Least Valuable Player Award” is nothing to crow about.

But we're still in first place. In the meantime, so many questions.

Is this as good as it gets?

Whither Wily Mo?

When will our erstwhile ace pitch again? (Even he doesn’t know.)

Are we really the best team in baseball?

We shall see. Onward march. Let us just hope the latter half is a lot more like this one (or at least this one) than this one, this one, or this one.

In the mean time, a final look back at the first half.

I was trying to figure out a way to pass judgment on our guys. Letter grades are OK, but they bring back bad memories of report card Fridays. Never mind that they're sort of glib. "Imagine spending a year and a half to get a B+ from some asshole at the Village Voice," as Lou Reed put it. “Fuck you. I don't need you to tell me I'm good."

So the other day, I was thumbing through my dog-eared copy of Rock, Rot, and Rule. Written by the esteemed music critic Ronald Thomas Clontle — see my interview with the man himself here — the weighty tome is meant as meant the “ultimate argument settler” when it comes to an artist’s worth.

To rule, obviously, is to be the best; to rot is to be the worst. So it is that in Clontle’s book, Aerosmith rule. As do the Who. The Beatles merely rock. (“Birthday” is a kick-ass song, but “Penny Lane” kinda sucks.) And, of course, David Bowie (“too many changes”), Hanson, No Doubt, and Kansas all rot.

Why not apply this methodology to our roster?

The results are in. If you disagree with me, you are wrong.

Josh Beckett - Pitches pretty decently. Hits for power. Responsible for the entry of the word “avulsion” in the Boston sports fan's vocabulary. Verdict: RULES

Manny Delcarmen - Local boy done decent. Verdict: RULES

Brendan Donnelly - Ladies of the bleachers make passes at middle relievers who wear glasses. Verdict: ROCKS

Kason Gabbard - His name is kind of cool. And he really does sorta look like Stiffler. Verdict: ROCKS

Javier Lopez - Handsome, with a dynamic, unorthodox delivery. Tidy 3.00 ERA. Has a psychology degree from University of Virginia. Obviously thinks he’s better than us. Never let your LOOGY get uppity. Verdict: ROTS

Daisuke Matsuzaka - We spent a lot of money on him, so he must be really good. Sells lots of t-shirts. Verdict: ROCKS

Hideki Okajima - “I am the hero in the shadow.” His post-game interviews sound like haikus. How cool is that? Verdict: RULES

Jonathan Papelbon - Sometimes, even after he’s nailed down a win, I have nightmares about that stare. Verdict: RULES

Joel Pineiro - ERA over 5. I always spell his last name wrong when blogging about him. And that first name should be pronounced JOLE. One syllable. Learn it. Verdict: ROTS

Curt Schilling - Fast typer. Tangles with CHB. Eases the boredom of being on the DL by pretending to be a character named “Scythehands Voxslayer.” Verdict: RULES

Kyle Snyder - Really tall. Verdict: ROCKS

Julian Tavarez - Really crazy. Verdict: RULES

Mike Timlin - Really old. Verdict: ROTS

Tim Wakefield - Innings eater. Signed to a pretty cool contract. Mensch. His cabernet is actually not that bad. Verdict: ROCKS

Doug Mirabelli - Wakefield is a nice guy, but I’m not sure he’s worth having this offensive black hole taking up roster space. Should eat more chicken parm. Verdict: ROTS

Jason Varitek - Nice rebound from last year. Writes “TEK” on his equipment and refuses to wear hockey style catcher’s masks. Verdict: ROCKS

Alex Cora - Remy thinks he's really smart. Coming from someone who's built himself into a one-man cottage industry, that's really saying something. Verdict: ROCKS

Mike Lowell - Pulled off the hidden ball trick twice. Has one ball. Verdict: RULES

Julio Lugo - Elevates sucking to an art form. His, truly, is some next level shit. Even while going 0 for 33, he never once lost his cool. Verdict: RULES

Dustin Pedroia - Looks like a shrimp on NESN but in real life is an inch taller than me. Verdict: ROTS

Kevin Youkilis - Must think hitting .328/.419/.502 makes it OK to wear a small woodland creature on one’s face. Verdict: ROTS

Eric Hinske - Super Sub! Can play first base, third base, left field, right field, hits for power, makes awesome diving catches, can play a mean “Baby Elephant Walk” on the Fenway organ, and doesn’t card when enlisted to fill in pouring beers at the right field roof deck bar. Verdict: RULES

Coco Crisp - It’s one thing to have a unique batting stance, but that pouting moue, the scrunched-in chin, and those twitching fingers really bug me. Especially when they’re just a prelude to a GIDP. Verdict: ROTS

J.D. Drew - I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile. Ever. There’s a fine line between being mellow and being a cyborg. Verdict: ROTS

Wily Mo Pena - “When I hit a ball hard, I can hit it far.” (And when he boots a ball across centerfield, he can boot that far, too.) Verdict: ROCKS

Manny Ramirez - Seems happy. At last. But now he’s not hitting. Never thought I’d say this, but I’m sort of looking forward to the midseason drama, whatever it is. At least that would be a return to form. Verdict: ROTS

David Ortiz - He used to rule, of course. But this season — so far, at least — he’s down a rung in the rankings. It ain’t easy being superman. (Do you think Vitamin Water was mad that he missed games because of dehydration?) Verdict: ROCKS