If I had a band, I’d name it Slew Magoo, Tomi-Tomi, Radish Fetish, Blue Fear, Lobster Mole, Art Con Carne, Call Me Shirley, Muhammad’s Nipple, Toy Thief, Short Monsters, Deuteronomy Pi, the Sharpsburg Cadets, Awesome’s Razor, Carts & Horses, Saddam’s Sister Eileen, Grésil à Vous, Flog the Cow, Playful Peasants, Torch Thongs, Guileless Bertoni, Lucky Toe, Underage Miners, $5 Movie, Mr. Meister’s Memory, Kiss the Lizard, Big Noisy Smelly Truck, Flaque Jacquette, Sacred Chow, Bin Laden Snow Tires, Ped-X, Pedophile Priestess, Honeychopper, the Botanicals, Big Blue Glasses, Brazen Nuns, Buffy Loves Jody, Broken Cookies, Curls In My Soup, Deaf Chef, Oink-Oink There, Me On a Camel, Slithery Joan, Mustard Breath, Slithery Joan Mustard Breath, Fat Mrs. Zelinka, Be Mitchell’s Savior, Third-Grade Terror, 756JPG, Stolen Toys, Misery’s Company Picnic, My Wife’s Brother Bob, Black Fang & Scorpio, Squanto Basher, Braid the Opossum, Bradybunch/Ladieslunch, Duffle Bag, Miraculous Bovine, Mackerel Snatcher, Guilty Pleasures, Hum-min-nah Hum-min-nah, Canterbury Flail, Bono-fied Tonsils, Clumsy Cloe, Black Germans, Crippled Gay Chicks, An Unexpected Error Has Occurred, Global Swarming, Charlie Gaynor and the Bon-Bon Band, Baby Plug, Last Underpass, Cooking With Oxydol, School Shooting, Saddam’s Ugly Sister Babs, Kibble Queen, Boeing-Boeing, Agar-Agar, Puzzle Pages, Hardly Helping, Skin Cancer, Sammy & Genghis, Miss Floto’s Drinking Problem, Thames Flusher, Big Stick, Fishy Faddle, Priscilla’s Prop, 604 Please, Who Wants Fat Hair?, Goodnight Aunt Mildred, Polka Dot Babushka, Scrawny Little Cabbage, Slip Hop, Sane Alternative, Buddy Rosen and the Insect Band, Totally Nude, Unquestioned Authority, Devils by Day, Teeming Plovers, Backslap Anthology, Tarzan and the Ant Men, Larger than That, Uneven Bedsprings, Tire Iron, Eva Destruction, Soup Can Project, Paint Your Dragon, Halibut Tips, Groaning Muse, Gearbox Dwarf, Short People, Tommy’s Tunes, Sex with Bats, Underarm Victory, Hitler’s Oysters, Churchill’s Ear, Aunt Ida’s Withered Leg, Seen Not Stirred, Syrup Face, Bride of Clarence, Nicotine Fitzgerald, Security Alert, Lite Beer High, Forgotten Virgins, Creeps on Toast, Jangle and the Man, Uncle Orville, Little Moby Plymouth, Fitchburg Folly, Two Weeks in December, Flying with Bugs, Smashed States, Manny Meany Many Manny, Chrystal Cloud, Screaming Red Basket, Exultation of Narcs, Michael from Mountains, Base Miss, Frogger Dodge, Ramblin’ Rogain, Noxema Fight, JonBenet’s Party Frock, Dial 3196, Probable Clause, Sappy Campers, Delivery Boys, Desperate Timekeepers, Father of the Bride, Remember My Face, Lovers on Lois Lane, Athanasius of Rome, Fuzzy Buzzy, Sox for Industry, Clever Pedro, Plume de Radi, Tupple of Rice, Roasted Ravens, Foley’s Boyfriend, Marry the Easter Bunny, Groaning Moose, Cold-Cave Climber, Winsome Blonde, Blowing Up Grandma’s Balloon, Stone Toaster, Bombs on Biplanes, Driven Snow, Timberfeet, Splicedaddies, Recombinate NWA, Medicine Show, Sheep Liver Flukes, Mojo Moondog, Make Way for Judith, Lionel’s Trane, That Dog Slapper, the Plant with Vermillion Eyes, Bite the Hand, Liver on Rye, Barking Novices, Ted’s Old Chevy, Zimmerman Zygote, Gum Snapper, Hot-Air Walloon, Diving for Jello, Quaff, Jungle Louie, 8 Tiny Reindeer, J.P. Jones, Toasty Toes, Misanthrope, Lady Macbeth’s Handprint, Half Moonies, Uggs Polish, Kielbasa Surprise, Janitor’s Closet, Pat D’s Mouth, Hostile Social Workers, Street Crossers, Jesus & Dave, Dim Diddle Daddy, Octopus Arm Arm Arm Arm Arm Arm Arm Arm, Wire Paladin, Silly Old Dad, Mammy Yoakum, Dr. Watson I Presume, Aggregate Aggravator, Flying Down to Lowell, Blaw-Nox Bippies, Chaos Causers, Matt the Barbarian, Love Coaster, Plain Brown Rapper, Fill Me In, Color Me Pink, the Chordetskys, Grubbs Garage, White Sox on Dope, Insecure Sidemen, Plastered and Powerful, Dim Lizzie and the Fordettes, Happy Gulch Survivors, Tinsel and True Love, Extra Innings, Borrow Some Money, Mr. Parthenogenesis, Ezekiel’s Heel, Fountain Pen Head, Stoned Phonies, Babysitter’s Earring, Brenda and Fat Brenda, Nasal Congestion, Every Buick Tells a Story, Tom Swift and this Electric Grandmother, Drugged Children, Dragon Wagon, Cops with Attitude, Follow the Ostrich, 9 to 4:35, Open the Hatch, Strings of Steam, Mortally Wounded, Falsetto Canary, A Couple of Cuties, Huggie-Muffin, Mr. Darcy’s Secret, Tupelo Money, Trackstar Twinkle, the Bettles, Carney Clothes, Poorly Planned Parenthood, Room Temperature, Fake Furriers, Big Foot Boobies, Salmonella Stompers, Grateful Gary and the Penitent Ploughboys, Wall Prophet, Bob the Dog, Benny’s from Heaven, Book Bandit, Louise Brown Conspiracy, Slow Natives, Herd of Docents, Baudelaire Haircut, Toasty McNugget, Mulatto Lobster, Hey Wild Bill, Delinquent Doves, Sardonic Sue, Ratso & Huggymuffin, Queen of Puddings, Grim & Ugly, Janice & Toadface, Uncommon Valerie, Gordo Gordo Gordo, Tidal Hog, Beverly’s Anagram, Temper’s Groin, Be-Safe Becca, My Band, Bozica’s Bicycle, Mutchka Mouth, Crittercize, Knobby Kneelers, Franco’s Fury, Revolutionary Rose, Triple String Opera, Just for Pun, Golden Dragon Causalities, Bianca’s Boil, Jo-Jo and the Rhythm Boobs, Walpurgis Dawn, Matabulu Zulu, Cooler Than Thou, Helsinki Chords, the Potsdam Conglomerate, Awfully Friendly, Three Guys with Clarinets, Over the Longbow, Effete Snobs, Khrushchev’s Shoe, Blondes on Lawns, Li Po and the 5 Idlers of the Bamboo Valley, Croatian Vacation, Khrushchev’s Other Shoe, A Musical Group of People, Bunny & the Rabbit Feet, the Improbable Dream, Ketchup Over Long Island, Flanked by Force, Power Popcorn, Portable Perry and the Carry-Ons, Two Gifts of Life, Gunga Dinner, People Who Need Aspirin, Long-Legged Loser, Service Economy, Say Grace, Drain Cleaner, Swelled Headline, Marginal Recovery, Vaseline Valley, the Milhouse Method, Drug-Crazed Goatherds, Ignatz Mouth, Scowling Baby, Roanoke Virgins, Good Shoes, Ape Mania, Lame Dame Mame, Brad Penguin, Inconvenient Ruth, Over the Drainbow, Fake Beard, Roquentin’s Pillow, Trial By Tyre, Doom Spoon Baboon, Devil’s Tomato, Snow Floozie, Unpleasant Overflow, Pipes of Pain, Johnny Fake, Mumbling Peg, A Bunch of Assholes, Poison Penelope, the Unwelcome Results, Holiday on Ike, Brass Wail, Topper’s Bottom, Theophany Collector, Jerks in BMWs, Balsamic Spinster, Mongolian Mongo, 4 Lads from Bemidji, Christmas Vampire, Mulberry Dog, Ignatz Mouth, Bubblegum Keelboat, Stupefied Meat, Bertha Krupp, Scowling Baby, or Weird Evelyn’s Navy.

Clif Garboden is senior managing editor of the Boston Phoenix. He apologizes if any real band’s name was accidentally included. He can be reached at cgarboden@thephoenix.com , but really doesn’t want to hear about it.

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