The end of this month will mark five years since Josh G. committed suicide.

The 19-year-old Canadian, a computer programmer and social activist, had been in and out of psychological treatment for a decade. He had dropped out of school at age 14. He talked frequently about his depression with his mother, Maxine, who says that despite his “off-the-mark intelligence” and loving family, her only son and youngest child “lived a very tormented life, and it was clear, from the time he was born, that there just seemed to be one problem after another.”

Josh, who built his first computer when he was 13 years old, sought solace in a virtual world that was always awake when he was. Somewhere along the line, he discovered a Web site called Alt Suicide Bus Stop (ASBS), defined by its Web administrator, a middle-aged Midwesterner who calls herself SR-71A, as “a medium for the rational discussion of suicide.” The site’s name refers to a euphemism for taking one’s own life: “catching the bus.”

ASBS is perhaps the most well-established of a handful of sites, news groups, and instant-chat forums in which members embrace a “pro-choice” attitude toward suicide. ASBS is not the most graphic, nor the most grisly. There are no suicide-method files like the ones you can find on some sites, which detail everything from effective to outlandish ways to kill yourself. But ASBS does offer a community of the like-minded, who think people should have the right to choose whether to live or die.

“ASBS does not condone suicide, but neither do we condemn it,” SR-71A told the Phoenix in an email interview. “Ultimately, while we all help to support one another as much as we can, we have to accept the fact that the final decision is not ours: it is the inalienable personal liberty of the individual.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Josh found kindred spirits at ASBS with whom he could speak openly about his depression, his desire to die, and many other subjects.

On April 24, 2001, Josh killed himself using helium, which he inhaled through a plastic bag placed over his head until he fell unconscious and died. Before he did, he recorded a home video that allowed him to say good-bye to his mother and sisters; in that video, he said, “I know that those of you who know me well are not asking why, but why did it take me so long to get it right.”

He also left his computer on, with his online journal displayed on the screen. The last entry read, in part, “I’m sorry for the pain I have caused. I left a video in 8 mm for you to watch. I love you all. It was painless. I’m peaceful now. I’ve found my peace. I wish you all the best.”

It was through Josh’s virtual diary that Maxine discovered her son’s connection with ASBS. And after emailing the Webmaster and venturing tentatively into the ASBS chat room, where its members communicate constantly, Maxine also found an unlikely source of support.

“In his mind, most people didn’t understand depression,” Maxine says. Online, however, “he felt that at least other people understood — they didn’t say, ‘What’s wrong with you? Pull your socks up.’ ”

“In that first year, I actually got a lot of support from them,” she recalls. “Somehow, being there made me feel like I was connected to Josh. I told them how devastated I was, and how much I missed Josh. They said nice things about him. They were probably my first support group.”

To this day, Maxine remains a welcome part of the carefully guarded ASBS community. She’s welcome because her philosophy is in line with that of ASBS members: “I think that over the years I began to think it was okay to let someone have the choice.”

Suicide Solution
Last Wednesday, suicide-prevention advocates gathered on Capitol Hill to give testimony to the federal New Freedom Commission on Mental Health. Their goal is to make reducing suicide a “national priority.” (One person in the United States dies by suicide every 17 minutes, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.) Organizations such as the Suicide Prevention Action Network aim both to increase funding for suicide-prevention programs and to decrease the stigma associated with suicide.

SR-71A believes that ASBS fights that taboo in its own way. Talking frankly about suicide “demystifies it,” she says (and also sometimes scares people straight, she adds). “Everyone ponders their own mortality.” But once a conversation moves from death to taking your own life, “people think you must be crazy — because [presumably] nobody wants to die.”