Monday, August 25, 2008

Upward Mobility Dept.: Metallica spotted in the New Yorker, Armani

Posted at 03:51 by Carly Carioli

 

In lieu of a review of Metallica's throwbackish new single, which has bitterly divided staff opinion, we'd been amusing ourselves by making up (a la the New Yorker's caption contest) snarky new song titles suggested by this photo -- an image by which we are universally horrified. Feel free to add your own in the comments, but note that the following are taken:

• "Of Wolf and Armani"
• "Harvester of Mandals"
• ". . . And Shopping for All"
• "Enter Salesman"
• "The Shorts That Should Not Be"
• "Sad But True"

And then, just today, Metallica made yet another surprising upmarket cameo -- in the New Yorker itself. The source? Part two of Anthony Lane's Olympic Games wrap-up, thusly (our emphasis):

The other mystery weapon in [Canadian archer Jay] Lyon’s quiver was Phil Towle, a performance coach back in the States, whose online messages had been an inspiration. “He’s also been a psychologist for Metallica,” Ryan said, as if to justify the gentleman. I had to steady myself against a passing volunteer. Metallica has a psychologist? What, exactly, is it repressing in its sylvan melodies?

What makes this exchange particularly amusing is that Anthony Lane is the New Yorker's chief film critic.

Anthony, have we got a movie for you.

Filed under: Metallica, New Yorker

• Jack said:

  I suppose why this the reason this country is doomed,I guess Hetfield can only be keeping it "real" if he's caught at some back alley piss-riddled rag store instead,huh....don't be so fucking close minded....In Europe people don't give a shit about image...it's only in this fucking country that you assholes make a big deal about stupid shit

  August 25, 2008 7:50 PM

• bjorn said:

  right! if u cant do it bad mouth the guy who can. =)

  August 26, 2008 12:41 AM

• wtfek said:

  How can you write a opinion piece on Metallica and write joke lyrics etc and not know about the psychologist thing? They even made a theatre released film following it and it was massive news for months.

  Credibility 0, drain 1.

  August 26, 2008 2:28 AM

• Anthony C. said:

  The guys in Metallica are multi-millionaires, and in their mid-forties.

  Would you rather them be shopping at Hot Topic??

  Get a f*cking life you hacks.   I bet you don't even like metal anyway, so shut the f*ck up.

  August 26, 2008 1:54 PM

• C.M. said:

  NO REMOR$E

  The Plaid that Failed

  The Sale That Never Comes

  August 26, 2008 2:19 PM

• Dick Johnson said:

  Bargains

  Imprisoning Me

  All That I See

  Absolute Savings

  What A Great Deal

  What A Great Find

  Look At These Shorts

  Damn I Look Sexy As

  Helllllllll!

  August 30, 2008 6:47 PM

• The B-Man said:

  Judge not les ye be judged yourself!!!

  The Mighty METALLICA IS the shit, was the shit and will always be the shit!

  Their new album kicks some serious ass, so leave them the phuck alone!

  August 31, 2008 1:40 AM

• Metfield said:

  They re regular people you know?..

  P.S Dick Johnson... that was bloody hilarious

  September 3, 2008 6:08 PM

• Jezz said:

  Agree with Metfield on the P.S. part. Mr. Dick is hilarious.

  September 8, 2008 10:04 PM

• decal said:

  Metallica is a joke.  I don't care where they shop; I just care that they haven't made a decent album since ...And Justice for All.

  September 9, 2008 9:16 AM

• Pastor of Muppets said:

  Most Americans could give a turd about image. It's the contradiction of image that makes us wonder. When you try to pass yourself off as "garage", working-class, one-of-the-guys, etc and then treat your loyal fans to lawsuits, (consecutive!) mediocre albums, etc., then there might be a problem with these millionaires spending that blood money. Metallica will never get another cent from this lost fan. And I never thought I'd see that day. There are better bands out there to explore.

  D. Johnson: Hilarious. I pissed me knickers

  September 9, 2008 9:46 AM

• saccodicazzi said:

  The Mall of Ktulu

  The Thong That Should Not Be

  The Shortest Shorts

  Don't Tread On My Prada Loafers

  September 9, 2008 9:55 AM

• helas said:

  If Metallica hadn't "sold out" with the Black album, most likely they'd have broken up or might still be chugging along as a much less financially successful state fair act...so who's to say which would be better, for us, for them...? At least they gave us four great albums (the first four). As for trying to make us all think it's cool to dis them for shopping at Armani, as if they're selling out their 'metal' image, well, that happened long ago, so, hey! Welcome to 2008! Get with the program. As another poster said, they're grown men in their forties, and they can afford some nice clothes. What's the big deal?

  September 9, 2008 7:49 PM

• Kev D. said:

  My top three favorite of the submitted song titles:

  #3. The Plaid That Failed

  #2. Mall Of Kthulu

  #1. The Thong That Should Not Be

  Funny shit. Yeah that picture of James is a bit disillusioning, but what are you gonna do? They're middle aged millionaires. They probably golf, too. I hope the new record kicks some ass. I wasn't a big fan of the single. Why not just rock out without a slow sing-y first part. I know, dynamics <sigh>. That's one good thing about St. Anger..it rocks just about all the way through.

  September 9, 2008 8:21 PM

• Kev D. said:

  By rocks, I mean loud/fast.

  September 9, 2008 8:34 PM

• Hate your mama said:

  Europeans don't give a fuck about image? Stunning.

  Metallica suck. Sorry. Listen to Meshuggah instead.

  Does Hetfield hunt in Armani? Rad, duuuude. Rad.

  September 10, 2008 9:46 AM

• Bruce LeBruce said:

  <.it's only in this fucking country that you assholes make a big deal about stupid shit>

  Seen any soccer riots lately, you misanthrope?

  <When you try to pass yourself off as "garage", working-class, one-of-the-guys>

  Yeah, cause we all know Metallica was secretly obsessing about their golf handicaps all throughout the 80s and 90

  <treat your loyal fans to lawsuits>

  "Loyal" implies that they'd be loyal enough to pay for the records, genius.

  <these millionaires spending that blood money.>

  Look at Metallica's tour schedule for the past 20 years and tell me that's blood money.  Metallica came across their fortune in a more straightforward and honest way than anyone else in the music business and probably 90% of most business, period.  

  <2. Mall Of Kthulu>

  THAT's fucking funny.

  <Sorry. Listen to Meshuggah instead.>

  Are you fucking serious?

  September 12, 2008 11:34 AM

• DeathFromAbove said:

  ahahah ROFL@ dick johnson's post

  <Bargains

  Imprisoning Me

  All That I See

  Absolute Savings

  What A Great Deal

  What A Great Find

  Look At These Shorts

  Damn I Look Sexy As

  Helllllllll!>

  internets hasn't made me lol like that all week.

  September 12, 2008 6:02 PM

• doberman said:

  The Plaid That Failed wins.

  September 13, 2008 5:42 PM

• Blookmoon said:

  Just a few Song Ideas for the LATE Metallica. May they Rust in Peace:

  Fade to Black Tie Affairs

  Visa or Mastercard of Puppets?

  Bargain of the Day

  Am I Gay?

  To Live is to Buy Unnecessarily Expensive Clothes Made By Starving Children in Singapore Sweatshops

  So What (if I'm Gay)?

  The Band That Should Not Be Anymore

  My Credit Bills are Bleeding Me

  We Belong in a (Sanitarium)

  Outfit Torn

  Creepy Shorts

  September 13, 2008 8:49 PM

• pnut166 said:

  KILL `EM ALL. METAL(GUCCI SHADES) UP YOUR ASS. MASTER(CARD) PUPPETS. THE WAIT(IN LINE). HERO OF THE GAY. HELPLESS(LY GOOFY). TRAPPED UNDER PRICE. SO WHAT( IF I`M RICH AND YOUR NOT). THE LOOK THAT FAILED.

  September 14, 2008 4:39 AM

• pnut166 said:

  HIT THE WHITES. THE FOUR CLOTHESHORSE MEN. Seriously, what were they doing here? Getting their suits for the Grammy`s to accept "Album Of The Year".

  September 14, 2008 4:49 AM

• lenred said:

  Nothing beats Dick Johnson's post.

  Capri Diem Pants Baby

  Crash Course in Bad Shorts

  Disposable Sandals

  Buyer's Eve

  For Whom the Sale Tolls

  Older Than Thou

  My Friend of Shopping Spree

  No Other Sale Matters

  Shop and Destroy

  The Frayed Ends of Fashion

  The Manpris That Failed

  Wasting My Cash

  Wherever I May Shop

  September 14, 2008 1:32 PM

• Kenshiro said:

  lyrics by Mr. Dick should be in the newest album.

  i hope this should be too, it's called:

  2 for 4

  Outta my way, outta your pay

  Outta your purse and into mine

  Shopping is fun, buy a new one

  Paying low prices is not a crime

  September 14, 2008 11:21 PM

• Meshuviel said:

  Holy crap!!! A married multimillionaire was shopping with his wife at an expensive store during his spare time! He should be shot in the head, cut into pieces, and fed to the paparazzi raw!

  September 15, 2008 12:07 AM

• lars said:

  nothing else flatters

  September 15, 2008 10:06 PM

• BorisLort said:

  Who gives a shit???!!!

  Metallica could be shopping in a fucking porn store and that wouldnt change anything. Their music is still great.

  Britney Spears could be working as a stripper and it would be just as "who cares" as this.

  September 16, 2008 7:09 AM

• Nik said:

  kill a mall

  September 16, 2008 8:32 AM

• missy said:

  Metallicouture.

  Frayed Ends of My Shorts.

  Unforgiven IV.

  September 17, 2008 4:33 PM

• Diabetik said:

  To any one who gets sensitive about Metallica being criticized in this manner, I say this:  They very much deserve such criticism because they have become that which they used to criticize!!  They have become the cliche which they used to stand against.  No one cares if Bon Jovi does this kind of thing.  Some call it "evolving", I call it hypocrisy.

  September 19, 2008 11:13 AM

• Mentalman said:

  The Unforgiven

  September 21, 2008 2:45 PM

• metaller said:

  Fade to Buy

  The Unforgiven XXI

  and the best: "Kill a mall" xD

  December 10, 2008 5:40 PM

• ... And Just Us For All said:

  dick johnson and lenred are funny!

  otherwise, keep buying metallica merchandise; fck they need the money...

  January 3, 2009 2:31 AM

• Antipodean Aristocrat said:

  Disposable Income

  Jump In and Buy-ah

  Enter Blandman

  For Whom the Bill Tolls

  One (more boutique, then we can go home, honey, honest)

  Image Damage, Inc.

  January 5, 2009 3:03 AM

• Ceaphipilance said:

  If either party is under the age of 16, a court order is required in order to obtain a license. And then he capitalizes on the contrast he's created a straw man of. A part from being too distracted to nurse much, Nora was very well behaved. Indeed, the church severely sanctioned those who did not respect its law, for instance in the laws about the age of marriage. Even the sun turned up next day.

  January 23, 2009 8:37 AM

• sabsab said:

  lmao some of the things you write are hilarious.

  but seriously whoa cares?!? hes got the money and he likes the clothes. the way they dress doesn't change there awesome music. jeez you people are such idiots.

  "to live is to shop"

  "seek and buy"

  "the mall that jack built"

  my body my clothes

  this clothes its stylin'

  step into the mall that jack built....

  "where the plaid things are"

  hah sorry thats fun. but i really dont care about him doing this. so what if he shops here? i shop at hot topic and wet seal. and a bunch of different places. and if i had the money, id get clothes i like at expensive places to!

  February 26, 2009 3:21 PM

• ADsF said:

  here's a comment,

  shut the fuck up.

  April 8, 2009 12:25 AM

• Jay said:

  Bargains, Imprisoning me

  all that i see

  absolute savings

  what a great deal

  what a great find

  look at these shorts

  damn I look sexy as helllll!

  May 14, 2009 5:19 AM

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